Four floors?  No. three floors and the bottom room. Sort of a man cave, but larger. Nicer. Not a basement but where one would be. You or someone in your family bought the house. It was nice, you got to live there now. Middle floors were square shaped. Bedrooms were nice and on the second floor.

Elsewhere on the second floor was another room, far more convenient to get to. Nice big TV and surround sound stand speakers. It was already set up.

But that bottom floor… built-in massive screen. Either a huge TV built into the wall itself or a projector. Huge speakers built into the walls. Luxurious leather couches set up in the most amazing “screening room”  you could imagine. Built-in cupholders and everything.

All you had to do is set it up. There was a manual, And you were really looking forward to it. Learning how all the speakers interconnected with the receiver and the projector and you would be watching and hearing movies, video games or whatever else you could imagine. 

Days passed. You didn’t go down to that floor to set it up. Anytime you wanted to watch something you just used the one on the second floor. You didn’t have people over as much; so you just didn’t worry about it. 

There was very little to this dream when you had it what 10, 15 years ago? You don’t remember where it went or what even happened.

Actually forgotten entirely until tonight. And for absolutely no particular reason it swells to the surface. 

There was that study that showed that brain damage from sleep apnea was reversible. You’ve been trying to sleep with the stupid machine. Who knows. Maybe for some reason it’s just something you remembered because you fixed a synapse or something.

The upstairs room was brighter. It was nice enough. Smaller, but pretty much what you have now. Come to think about it if you’re going to be dreaming about things, it’s rather lame to dream about a home theater system. Live a little. Dream of a castle floating above Jovian storms, not a stupid entertainment room.

Oh well whatever.

Just odd how much of a dream you remember all of a sudden from when you were younger. Probably nothing to it. Symbolic representation of something your subconscious was thinking about at the time. 

You think your subconscious is on your side. Hope it is at least. You have fought it before; well it tried to warn you and you ignored it.

You’re lying in bed unable to sleep. You stare at the fan. It’s on the slow setting.

You always thought it was funny when you stared at a fan.  The blades moving around clockwise.  but as you stared and let your mind go blank the blades almost seem to reverse in a choppy fashion. What is that?

You don’t have very many recurring dreams or many dreams that you remember to begin with.

Impossible roads that go almost straight up and stop so that you have to make a jump but that’s normal.

Old, decrepit massive church sanctuary. Unstable, but for some reason they are still giving tours of it until it falls apart. Too damaged to be preserved. So much waste.

The house with the nice, unused mini movie theater on the bottom floor.

Leonard Nimoy singing The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins stuck in your head.

Well it looks like sleep is not going to happen. Virtual church tomorrow at 10:30  thanks to coronavirus, and Bill has a vet appointment at 12noon.  Drop off procedure. No other plans.

Breathe. Feel the wind surround you. Bathe in the sun. Feel no darkness.

See the world for what it can be. Your world. Reject the sameness of the ruts you fell into. You are in control of your destiny. Do not adorn yourself with chains. Adorn yourself with dreams.

Have a really weird feeling. Really hope she’s alright.

Nose bleeding out of nowhere. Bill agitated. Odd sounds that seem to flee soon as you notice them.

You haven’t been using distilled water in the CPAP to moisten the air blowing into the sinuses. Celt’s dog walking around Bellerophon’s eminent realm. You know you’re not the only one in the house that’s having trouble sleeping.

All perfectly reasonable explanations.

None assuage the weird feeling.

You need to talk to Him. Now.

Ephesians 4.

And stop forgetting to water Percy.

Just weird. It’ll be fine. Calm and Peace fill your heart. But weird just won’t freaking leave.

Hold her in your arms Lord. Every second I can’t hold her in mine. Please.

She said I thought she must be lying… and yet I can feel her desire to protect me.  She doesn’t see what I see.

Love is an ocean. Shallow in some areas. Deep in others. Sometimes warm, sometimes cold. Sometimes monsters you can’t imagine emerging from the deep. Sometimes bordering a cold, rocky cove, and others a jubilant sandy beach fit for a blissful family.

 There is much to consider here.

Now let’s talk. Idiot over here is lost again…

Lions with struggles fit for Lambs.

Lambs with struggles fit for Lions.

Ironic how much more we can lose in a land of plenty.

Yeah screw it. You know what? You’re going back to this again. You ran across something about games. Reminded you of that amazing little place that you shared with the Crow.

That little bar that was a game place also? Really seemed nice. I mean what wouldn’t that week?

Why the hell, Atreyu? Why the hell can’t you get past it? I mean right now it’s forgivable… you can’t date when you don’t have a job. When you don’t have a job it’s an insult to the fabric of your being. Your purpose is to be a man and that means being a fucking man. Having a fucking purpose. Earning a fucking living.

And yeah, given the circumstances it’s important to get your medical issues solved before getting another job.

But you still can’t date. Because you still aren’t worthy. And you know what? You are so thankful for that view. You have standards for yourself. Standards that you must meet before finding someone to share your life with.

Oh you absolutely despise materialism in women… but the reason for it is just a part of your soul. You are useless until you can care for others that you love.

Useless.

Well that sucks doesn’t it? You feel that pain? You damn well better.

You’re not a man right now. You’re a boy.

And any woman that’s worth a damn would pass on you until you get your shit together.

No excuses.

None.

It doesn’t matter. You’re still in love. And thus… still embarrassed.

So why on earth did you grow that new heart? So far it doesn’t seem to be any different. You know that it is, but right now it doesn’t seem that way.

Whatever. Fuck it. Right now you have a good excuse. You couldn’t imagine dating anyone else anyway. Take it and go with it. For right now….. you have a decent excuse.

And that excuse is….. your existence is meaningless until you can provide for Someone you care for.

And don’t you fucking forget it.

Now, find out what the hell is wrong with you. The way the universe works if you continue on your path you’ll die alone for some absolutely, truly, inconceivably mind-bogglingly stupid reason.

Get your shit together. It’s just not happening. Destiny no longer exists.

Deal with it.

So the hamster might just be fine. The wheel just has a bunch of gunk in it. Here’s hoping…

Don’t know what’s going on.

Anywhere. 😕

She has been excited for March 4. I have no idea why, but I’m excited for her. That’s the next happy thing I see on the horizon. What a fun February.

…get what you’ve always got.

Just how many people in your life cannot seem to grasp this?

How fucking hard is it to understand?

You’re one to talk alright, but to your credit for once, you have at least gone outside the box – and recently – to look at things from different perspectives, leave your comfort zone, and realize different paths you thought may have made you happy didn’t. Sometimes you know why; others you don’t.

Now here you are at the beginning of something new in your life, and you keep getting pinned down in frustration looking at others as they continue to repeat the same mistakes they have learned from time and time and time again.

Is there a comfort in an endless cycle frustration? Celt, Crow, Flame. Each one with their own kinds of cycles, unwilling to break free.

Maybe you’re so sensitive to them now because you’re trying to avoid falling into one of your own.

Either way… it’s self-sabotage; you see it plain as day. And it royally pisses you off.

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome is literally the definition of insanity. And the longer it goes, the more it angers you – within you and within others.

Understanding the realities of various situations and the long-term damage that people do to themselves when they stay trapped in the same endless cycles is a key part of finding one’s way through life.

The Celt is transfixed on her own idiosyncrasies to the point of mental paralysis. She boxed herself into parameters and comes up with more along with endless possibilities instead of determined focusing on what she wants at the moment. She says she can’t function when the house isn’t clean… after making a mess… and she fixates on that… rinse, lather, repeat… anything to avoid getting around her own engrained habits.

The Crow will not rid herself of her parasite. Yet another new plan where she’ll shoulder the burden. She read the book all the way up to the parts she needed to before stopping. Now physical violence against her is even in the picture and she still – *still* – refuses to purge herself of the Lizard and Tragedian in her life even though she is literally right back where she started three years ago. Only now with blood on her beautiful face too. There is no reason for her to give up, yet she constantly does in order to justify the cycle. Or ignore. Either way it’s painful.

The Flame is virtually a lost cause. She was so proud of herself because she drove a car the other day. She gives up constantly, and is only motivated when you talk to her and motivate her. She has no drive of her own to be independent in any tangible way, and abuses medication for her back pain to escape the frustrations she has in life. How do you square that? She wants you, badly, and she wants to see you , etc., but you know deep down or only interest in improvement comes from your expectations in what you want as a partner in life.

By herself she wouldn’t do much if given the choice. You made a mistake by fucking her. Yeah, it did you some good, but now she is of a different level mindset when it comes to you – and you don’t want that for her.

She’ll do just enough to try to impress you and make you feel like you could be together. Then degenerate into unhappiness because she’s treated like she doesn’t do anything – because she doesn’t.

Which brings us to you.

Your endless cycle is forming on cue – procrastination and anxiety and taking the steps needed to return to stability so you can be there for others – which as a non-parent is really the only meaning you have in life, at least for the moment.

That swirling vortex is right in front of you and it’s pulling you in. Thank God you have already fought it enough to know what you need to do. Re-orient your mindset to perceive this as an opportunity. Be gregarious in reaching out to others and learn what you want to do in life rather than take the opportunities that are tossed your way.

Realize where you’re vulnerable and go at it head-on.

Play to your strengths, and use them to tear down your comfort zones. You are beholden to no one. You have a lot of work to do and even more learning to do to truly embrace the path that you have always wanted to be on. You don’t even know what it is. Recognize the precarious opportunity for what it is, and challenge yourself.

Address your health concerns while you still have insurance. The folks are going to cover you like they always do, But that’s the mindset you’re trying to avoid.

If you’re truly suffering from MCI, find out about it now so you can incorporate dealing with it into your plans.

Don’t leave scary things hanging. You are a world champion procrastinator; admit it so you can address it.

The. Cycle. Must. End.

She loses the job on her second day… and loses her contact in the placement agency on top of it.

Take nothing for granted. 😒