Night or Day?

You really don’t know. You’re trying your best to ignore your feelings, but you can’t. Any success on your part comes from what you truly want for her and her request to find it.

She can see right through you, so there’s no reason to act otherwise, other than to keep up appearances so you don’t get in the way.

Maddening, isn’t it? Lol maddening in a different way though… maddening in a way you can actually handle because no matter what this is good for her. Finally what is good for her.

So what about you? So much going on around you. Swirling vortexes of many different folks are surrounding you, and each day at work you are almost on an island, alone and able to focus…. only this tiring problem rearing its ugly head out of nowhere robs you of it.

What the Crow learns in the west rhymes with you sleeping on a bed for a week, and the two voices become one – His. Was wondering when He was going to show up, lolz…

Damn that uncomfortable thing. If the mask isn’t on just ride it sprays air straight into your wounded eye, drying it out even more than staring at a screen for 20 hours.

But He wants you to wear it. And He is showing you her concern for you to do it. Yeah, that’s almost a cheap shot, lolz…

Part of acting your age is acknowledging that you’re statistically over halfway to the grave – if you’re lucky of course. Nice to know that people care enough about you to want you to max out what time you have left.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way was it? You were supposed to be a heck of a lot more. A lot more meaningful. A lot more respectable and well known. At least have a better career, and more money.

Maybe the reason you never did is because you have nothing to fight for. By yourself you’ll be fine. Not great but fine. Likely dying in a nursing home alone in about 35 to 40 years.

Memories of various pets adopted here and there. A sense of loss, but at the very least not a sense of unhappiness. It would be stumbling into the next world as safely as possible.

No wonder you’re attracted to dangerous women… 🤣 You can afford to be – so long as you remember where you came from and hold true to rule number three.

Fascinating how so many things happen at once. It was merely three weeks ago you were with her…and it seems like ages.

You are in tonight. The honest reason is that you are very tired and don’t want to go out. Which is a shame because you honestly have many options tonight. Oh sure you’d love to talk to her tonight… but… you know she needs a break from you.

Maybe that’s what the source of being down is…

… but then she asks you for some funny pictures of your teeth… and you remember that she does really care about you. Even if it isn’t meant to be, she does truly care about you.

And that makes literally everything better. So no…nevermind. There’s no question after all.

It’s Day. 🙂

You just don’t know what time. And right now you don’t care.

God bless that woman, and keep her safe.

May God grant you clarity in the other paths that you travel.

The Crow was right about your former coworker the Celt. She was put in your life for a reason also. And though romantically there’s not much there… you’ve gotten to know her a bit better. Been shown some of her pain. And wow it’s… in many ways worse than any other you’ve ever seen.

There’s something about her that holds a key to brighter future for one of you, and that is a reason to be grateful.

She knows about the Crow and your feelings, which is one reason she is probably more trusting of your intentions then she would otherwise be.

The Crown is reaching out, yet being distant. You don’t know what to do with that.

Friends need you. Coworkers need you. And yet you’re alone in so many ways.

So what’s next?

Well… anytime you ask, you know what the answer is. And you’ve been keeping Him waiting for a while now.

One hell of a broken promise to explain, that you didn’t see coming.

And the fact that you have difficulty regretting it… leads you to even more worry.

What will the consequences be? You can’t punish yourself to get out of them, that’s one lesson you sure as hell have learned.

You know what you fear the most, and how you would interpret that. And you really hate yourself for it because there’s no way you could put that on her.

So you can’t do it. What you gave her was meant for your wife. And that’s why it felt right. But it was your decision. And you would never hold that against her. It was the world to you but you can never risk even an appearance of machinations. Just the thought of that sickens you. Thank God you’re better than that. If she’s right… you used to not be.

You really don’t even know how to process it. Still. All you know is that you will never be happy unless He is on your side.

Oh fun…a paradox. Well… make it easy on yourself. Be honest with yourself. And Him. And her – if she asks. Otherwise don’t burden her.

Well then… seems like it’s late afternoon after all… 🤔

It’s alright… take solace in the fact that things are moving… and you actually have finally started to learn from her…🌷🙏 🕊

You are truly blessed… never cease giving thanks… and never cease sharing those blessings with those dear to you…🙏

Detached

A toast to the Unknown… into which you now sail bringing your hopes and fears… Alone…

Sharpen your tools. Drill the crews.

Battle awaits. Today, you call it ‘crunch time’…

You’re not ready.

It’s fine.

You never are in the beginning.

You’re worried about things far greater. Just a feeling right now. But a lingering one. He feels so distant… and you don’t know why.

You’re doing something wrong.

Stand Tall, Dammit…

…and shut up. Yeah, you detect something. Good for you. She’s only screaming it as loud as she can without saying anything. Wow, you’re a veritable mind reader, lolz.

Look – The truth is that you really do mean what you’ve said to her. You want her to find herself. Work on herself without some guy causing problems for her. “Be single and find wisdom.” And yeah, you were right.

Well here it is, so shut the eff up. Be her friend, because by your own admission… anything else is what you want her to avoid…

Yeah, yeah your heart, blah blah. Truth of the matter is if you are to ever have something with her, you want it to be for The Duration – not just ‘another guy’. The only way that can ever happen is if she goes through this growth that she needs.

Selfish jackass. Yeah you want to have it on your terms because you trust yourself, know you care for her, and know the goodness that fills your soul and bursts out of your smile.

Yeah you’ve just got God’s love just bursting out of your eyes, smile, and asshole. Good for you! 😇

Well guess what, genius… the girl don’t work the way you work, and despite naïve dreams, this is just not going to work with you showing her your world and her magically inspired to share your path.

I mean she’s doing what you want her to do – be single. So just shut up. Yeah, yeah, after two weeks ago? What you shared??? (clumsy as it was on your part after so long)… Your heart was going to spin.

Aaaand…okay. It’s good and spun, and even Ray Charles can read the tea leaves right now. So stop thinking about your damn self.

Be there for her the way she needs you to be. She knows how you feel. You can tell she still enjoys your company. She’s not upset at you, so stop being paranoid and keep it that way.

What she doesn’t need… is romantic bullshit. Yours or anyone else’s.

You told her your biggest fear was losing her. And that’s true. But probably not in the way she thinks.

You love who she is. And you’re really terrified she’s going to change. Outgrow you in some way. I mean this is “going into the hardwiring” stuff…

The ultimate paradox, lolz… The one thing you know deep down she needs most – to grow and find herself – scares you the most.

Well guess what… Time to find out if you’re full of shit or not.

Your feelings for her supposedly transcend simple romantic love. You see her as family. What she calls a soul group. Her happiness is more important to you than your own.

So be there for her; what she needs. At the very least don’t be what doesn’t freaking help, lolz 😂

Yeah you want to be with her, but you know that if she somehow chose to be with you without choosing to be single for a while…. it’d be doomed.

And maybe she’ll grow in a different direction and you won’t have a chance anyway. So suck it up.

You’ve already told her how annoying it is to hear her say “I have to do things my way”…

…But this time she is absolutely right and screw you if you can’t see it.

Be family for her. Not some whiny guy that even in passing could remind her of the one she just left.

You say you want her to have a good man. So prove it.

She won’t forget your feelings. Stop reminding her. She needs you in a different way now. Maybe forever. But at least for now.

Have faith in her. In the good woman you know her to be. That’s what she needs right now. Not your baggage.

Stand with her.

Trust her.

And most of all… Don’t let her down. 🙂

Learn from your own words that you left for her. You meant them for her no matter what you would ever be to her, even if nothing at all.

Now man your post.

Dismissed.

July 19

Two very dear friends having birthdays today. Both of them you’ve known since college. They’re great; lifelong friends. They’ve actually even met once or twice…

It’s raining shit on most everyone else you seem to care about though…

Lucky Donielle and Matt. 🙂

And you… you can be there for everyone else… and today that’s better than the alternative… 🤔

Off

They just seem off.

Mood seems off.

Feelings seem off.

Wrong season to hike.

Wrong weekend to rest.

Wrong time to stagnate.

Church is being renovated; no desire to meet in a high school cafeteria.

Really could use His counsel though.

Feeling so distant from those I want to be close to.

Feeling too close to what I want to be distant from.

Miss her so much.

Have no right to.

Have to just shut up and hope.

Dislike shutting up; Hate having to hope.

Been missing Outside for a while. Didn’t go as much this spring.

Yosemite theme from Star Trek V mixes with sounds of rushing streams and cool breezes walking on solid boulders of Table Rock.

High is 90 with scattered thunderstorms Saturday. There goes that.

Folks want to help me paint inside my house. Please not now though. Need the weekend for peace.

Realignment.

Go back to acupuncture? Consider heading back to yoga? Those work over time.

Impatient.

You’re being impatient.

You have every right to be.

But there’s nothing there that will help you with that mindset now, is there?

Is there?

Good things come. Not on their own, but they come.

Mind doesn’t know what to do. So Soul is in charge for a while.

Great. Naivety replaces Fear.

You fear for her. Yet again.

Don’t know why. Yet again.

Deal with it. Soul’s in charge.

https://youtu.be/_PRxN-KNqLs

Scatterbrained

Creative endeavors are so often the most fruitful ones.

The skies are bright today.

But as yesterday proved that can change very quickly.

Thoughts are scattered all over.

Anxiety over something but not certain what.

Bill cuddled last night heavily. Only way he really knows how. Senses something from me. Just had vacation but I need another one so bad. Or just a change of scenery.

Warmth of the Seabreeze.

Wind in the hair.

Absolute freedom before me.

Just a pulled muscle in the soul; Nothing to worry about in the longrun. Would be wonderful to have the afternoon off though.

Just so wonderful.

Sometime soon.

Mind needs rest. Let the soul take a few shifts. It’s just a pulled muscle.

The mind really needs rest.



Mysteries

No it’s not just one night. 🤔 There are definitely some disconnects…. but oddly enough… while occasionally annoying they seem to define much about your interactions with each other.

As you slowly sail closer together, you see at least one potential disconnect on both sides… but each seems… like it might be part of what makes you appeal to each other. Well, a guy can hope, right? 😊

You just can’t read her. At least not at distance. I mean you understand general thoughts, definitely pick up on strong emotions, but you really do have difficulty looking past the obvious with her. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why you find her so mysterious. 🤔

But part of the problem with being the Crow is that to an outside observer, all manner of things are possible, and for someone kind of heart, this inevitably brings concern.

But… all things considered that’s…. maybe not a bad thing….

Honestly that kind of concern is something that has tormented you in the past. Being at home trying to stay distracted while someone you care about is out, in your mind at least not caring about the worry that you’re having for them.

She doesn’t know about the baggage regarding that and that’s for the best. Besides… the Man upstairs has a way of making you confront your pain to conquer it, so it doesn’t scar you in the future as it has in the past. So salute this old tormentor on the field of battle with the intent of vanquishing it.

The Crow knows your heart. So if you can’t read her you can take comfort in knowing that she can read you.

But therein lies the irony…..

It’s very possible she has her own shortcoming… as time goes on you’re really starting to think…

Maybe… she really doesn’t understand you. 🤔

Not just a good man in the way a good man believes and behaves. Her dad was a good man, so it’s not like she doesn’t have experience being around them.

But at the end of the day it doesn’t really seem like she truly understands much more than the simple things when it comes to you. (Good thing there’s not much more lol…) Sure she knows the obvious stuff, but… on many occasions her actions really did not bring forth responses she was expecting.

And she is wise enough to know that you’re not the kind of person that’s pushover at the end of the day no matter how strongly they feel for someone. You’ve told her of a few instances where you’d placed a Rubicon in front of her without telling her that she unexpectedly turned at the last second and unknowingly avoided crossing.

She really doesn’t understand the joy in your heart. She’s marveled at it more than once which deep down made you even more giddy truth be told. 🤣

Part of you feels like she is still shocked by the fact that you’re still around. Maybe she thinks you are a pushover… but… no, you don’t think so…

Oh there’s no doubt that anyone could be pushed away if they have a strong sense of self-respect like you in fact do… but it’s just unlikely that she would push you to that point given the sort of person she is.

Still it is interesting… 🤔

There’s no way she would believe that you still don’t consider yourself a “sure thing” for her given the vastness of your feelings for her. That while you wait for her… and make plain to her your intentions… she actually could still lose you.

And even if she did believe it, she probably would not believe how. One way would be for her to drop everything and come to you – though not something you’re worried about – because you actually are serious when you say she needs to heal.

Lol and to be honest, you don’t have a plan for that… 🤣

If and when she meets the folks she will likely understand you a lot more. But she really doesn’t understand at the end of the day what really makes you tick.

Maybe because you’re just from two different worlds. Maybe because the world has bent her into negativity so harshly, positivity as a default might seem alien.

Meh… hopefully that changes one day.

She’s both kicked you in the teeth and warmed your very soul many times – each without even meaning to, almost to the point where you’re used to it.

Maybe that’s why you have become more and more comfortable being unable to read her…

Or maybe you’re just as blind as ever, and she gets you in ways you could never comprehend. 🤔

Feel that heart beat, Atreyu. Didn’t used to be that strong. Not in decades and Not until her. This is one of those disconnects that makes things so irresistible to you. Hopefully in someway to her as well, but definitely to you.

She knows she put some fear into you tonight. She also knows that you want her to be happy and trust her in every way – but the one she asked you not to…

…Which ironically happened to be tonight. 🤣

You do have a tremendous fear deep down for her, but it’s not what she thinks. Well, probably not at least. You also have a fear about your own turbulence that has been regenerated.

There are other fears of course, but if you can steel yourself and cultivate that mutual trust… there will be nothing to fear.

Be True. Just Be True.

And seriously – calm down. You know she’s protective of you too. That means she gets you – even if she never really truly understands the how or why… she gets you. And that’s actually even better. 🙂

And in all of your hopes, dreams, fears, and loves… whether she realizes it or not… She’s helping you heal your wounds too.

ROFLMAO #HowHeRolls 🤣🤣🤣

Wartime

Want to just show up, do a good job, earn a check, contribute to a positive work environment, and go home.

Alright, fine. You don’t want to play that game. Hate it. Want to be above it. Just so pointless. So old. So distracting. And there’s a reason it’s a chore instead of a fear to you…

Son of a……. 😒