My Beloved Crow…

Sail as safely as you can on your journey into stormy seas. You voyage into dark places filled with struggles and spiritual enemies that will certainly prey upon you.

But you must take this voyage. For yourself. Because of your rules, and the way of things.

For your reasons, this is what you must do to purge the plague that weighs heavily upon you.

Godspeed to you. Do what you must. It will be painful. You will be vulnerable.

But I trust in you. And will never leave you adrift. Journey where you must. Let my light never leave your sight, no matter how distant it may get.

Always know it will be there, for when you need to find your way home.

No matter what becomes of you and me… of either of us and anyone else… this is why I am in your life.

Love,

Orson

What can you do?

Be True. Stand there and take it. Be there for her when she needs you.

You love her. And she’s hurting.

You can always tell when she’s hurting because she torches you. The last time it happened, she stabbed you in the soul. Please not again. Just not again. You can’t lose her like that again.

You don’t know why she’s upset at you. You do know you’re at least collateral damage this time though.

Just don’t push her. The Crown chastised you for not doing more for her last night, but it was you that reassured her that your beloved Crow must fly on her own path in times like these, and when she is hell-bent in flying into a storm… she will.

And all you can do is be there for her when she needs you. You were prepared for something like this for when she finally broke free. You wish somehow it would’ve been different, but you knew it wouldn’t be easy.

Maybe there is some hope for you.

Good thing. Because you won’t stop dreaming of being with her anytime soon, no matter what.

Hold Fast.

You don’t know what role the Crown has to play, but if you are ever meant to fly with the Crow, you know neither of you are ready for now.

But the Crown….cares about your friends. She has suffered for hers as well, and is just as much a caring soul as you are. No matter where things go, be thankful she’s in your life as well. You’re going to need her.

Take comfort in Wisdom, and that those wheels are finally turning. And when she wakes up tomorrow it will be with something other than the cancer that has plagued her.

Long ago, when her divorce finally reached your ears, you drank and wrote. A preview of what was to come. What she was going to do to you. Why you needed to go through it. What you needed to learn.

You never shared that with her. It might make good reading tonight.

Your beloved Crow. Even you don’t realize how thankful you really are to have her in your life – no matter what.

* * *

Hold her in your arms, Lord. Every second I can’t hold her in mine.

Keep her safe.

Let her be happy.

She is Sacred to me.

And always will be.

She has the time. For a few more weeks. The money is available. You’re single.

Though now there is someone that’s now on record as wanting a next level with you… and you really need a resolution soon.

It’s honestly not fair to ask for anything from the Crow. And yet… you have to; logistics being what they are… 😔

Just a simple friendship visit would require you being single; Any woman you were with that saw her visit you would become tragically insecure within seconds, and truth be told, you didn’t want pressure for anything past a friendship visit anyway because you understand she’d need time.

The only thing standing in the way is her stubbornly keeping a relationship that she knows has no future, with someone she knows will never change.

There is literally no downside. And yet… she waits. 

What terrifies you is the idea of all the stars aligning except the one that won’t last, and the opportunity vanish.

Then for it to fall apart later and you still not get your chance.

Why? Because it never works for you – and you can already see it coming. The disappointment. The regret afterwards just like the regret she had for inviting him back in two weeks before you visited.

Oh well, missed your chance – yet again. Yet fucking again, as the universe shrugs with that eternal shit eating grin.

Even with the Crown here desiring you to hold her, the universe taunts you… 

Just like Match, eHarmony, that friend your friend was going to introduce you to before the trip got canceled, and literally every single time a door opened and got slammed in your face.

Everything is in place but the splinter that just won’t go away, even when it is slowly going away.

Sigh… No negative vibes. No pushing. But this is the chance. You can live with Yes or No. But this Question Mark is a noose around your neck.

Now is the time. The Timing is as close as it will ever be – for both of you… but it’s razor thin.

May she use any excuse she needs, and just have the courage to do what you did in January. Take the Leap.

Think outside the box. Be decisive. Take a chance. It’s not like he’d kick her out of her house. It’s not like she owes him anything, especially at this point. He’d be right there at the airport when she got back, begging for her to go back to paying his bills.

You need to be strong though. If she goes back to work without having come to see you, just accept it. And just hope and pray that if she ever is interested in visiting you haven’t found someone else.

Because that would be… devastating. And you’re really not sure what you would do.

Hope is a jackass.

There is no greater virtue than Truth.

All of the strength, knowledge and wisdom in the world are meaningless if Truth is absent.

Falsehoods substitute illusion for reality, and damage those who hear them because their actions become misaligned with reality.

They sing songs that comfort when one needs to act, and songs that foment discord when one needs to keep a level head and calm heart.

Lies ruin the harmony of the world around us. Like viruses they can only exist by multiplying, as more and more lies must be told to keep the truth hidden.

If one lies to a friend… the illusion is more important to them than the friendship.

If one lies to a loved one… the illusion is more important to them than their love.

But by far the most destructive kind of falsehood is the kind it takes a willing party to believe. If someone else lies, that lie can be found out. The record corrected. Truth restored. The wound healed.

The worst falsehood…is to lie to oneself. The illusion is so destructive because the wounded prefer an illusion to healing. Reality itself shatters around them as lie after lie compounds and they soon are swallowed up by them. The longer it goes on… the more painful the realization is… and the harder it is to dig out of the pain.

And regret is as tenacious as truth – and it will have its due, whether in the conscious mind or a far deadlier battlefield…

Spent the night and most of the weekend with a really nice girl. Smart, funny, attractive. Now it’s Monday, and plagued by a tinge of sadness. Not just because it’s Monday. You don’t know why. And you really don’t want to ask.

Just go to work.

Bright mundane lights on a dreary Monday morning.

Absent my best ally in the trenches and with mounting frustration at what is.

It could always – and has been – far worse, but maybe it’s finally time for you to move past all that.

Life is too short to wait for hope to get its act together. You’ve learned that if you want most things in life, you have to reach out and pursue them.

Happiness has no inertia to come and find you. Action is the order of the day.

That’s the difference between Hope being a curse that enslaves one to fantasy and Hope being what can keep you going when nothing else will – action.

Fear keeps you from moving forward. Fear of the headaches. The panic attacks. The rejection. The uncertainty you have the needed skills. Of having to start over again.

Things are going better; why rock the boat, right? Maybe happiness will make its rounds and run into you again…

No. Not good enough anymore.

You know you need to start being more decisive. Happiness is always moving. You used to be happy when you were a kid when you got a new toy. That won’t cut it these days.

It’s a moving target, and stagnation and fear will chip away at it. The only thing that remains in the long run to keep you happy is love, because love grows along with you, unless you let it get stale.

That’s one of the reasons you need to get in touch with your inner Crow. You fall victim to stagnation so easily.

Something’s got to give here. You’ve got to build something. Do something. You’re entering data. Sending invoices. Pulling inventory.

Make them give you a challenge.

Anger keeps pushing, but you seem to have it contained for now. You’re dancing with depression again; dynamism just isn’t there. Nothing’s helping. Just shut up, do your thing, and be thankful.

Health. Work life. Love life. Social life. Spiritual life. All in the doldrums right now. All in holding patterns. All stuck and frustrated wondering what to do next. All filled with concern, if not fear.

Again… Dammit…

One of the reasons you notice vicious cycles so quickly is because of how vulnerable you are to them yourself. And the way out is always the same.

Mix it up. Think outside the box. Approach things from a different perspective. Take some risks. Isolate what’s plaguing you and get rid of it.

Ennui’s a dick. Feeling young again always pisses it off… and you really love pissing it off… 😊

Every time I meet a nice girl and it might lead somewhere if the universe would just cooperate…

🤣🤣🤣 Gotta learn to laugh… 🤣🤣🤣