You had never been more scared of her. Intimidated. It’s one thing to see her beautiful bliss and turbulence in words on the 21st Century screen, and it is quite another to speak with her face-to-face on the same screen.

But the first time you saw her in person, it really put you in your place, dinnit? 🤣Crazy as it sounds, you actually benefited from him being there, so you could know at least feel on a higher branch than someone. Yes it’s callous to say, but the way of things.

Sure, she’s beautiful, but that wasn’t it. Your competitive side kicked in, and you were fine. Familiarity melted away much of the initial shock quickly.

The Crow is just… more… than what she might seem.

Took you a while to figure out what it was… she had a sense of appreciation…of respect for you…and you wanted to live up to it. She was excited to see you too – and admitted to being nervous as they drove up. (Damn that helped… 😌)

But there was more to it still. More to the Crow. More than even she perceives? Yup. No way around it.

Her home looms on yet another screen before you and you remember that feeling passing above Wynyard, Saskatchewan.

It’s….a throwback emotion these days. Lump in your throat in high school every time you spoke to Kelly Jacobs. Butterflies. And you had so forgotten how good they actually felt, for reasons that you will literally never, ever understand.

It’s nothing like it used to be… but in February, and…now… you feel that… “glow” inside (for lack of a better word). Heart beating slightly faster. Smile getting brighter. What once almost paralyzed you in nervousness maturity had thoroughly blunted, save for the memory of those butterflies.

That tells you something though – something you already knew about the Crow – but worth remembering regardless.

You see her in the same vein as Kelly Jacobs. Someone your mind chose (without consulting you…) as a transformational presence in your life.

You’re not 17 anymore, but damn if you haven’t felt like it on occasion. 🤣

Kelly tore you out of the cage of introversion you’d been put in by the likes of the car accident that shredded your face not two months into going to a new school knowing no friends. And she didn’t even notice. She eventually would, and you would eventually lose track of her and most everyone else from high school, but the memory of those first clashes with that side of yourself after so long being buried beneath introversion comes right to the forefront as each pixel brings you closer to Edmonton.

You really made an idiot out of yourself back then for her. I mean WOW… 🤣 But it was normal for a 17 year old kid – and – that’s what made it wonderful…

When your eyes see the Crow in just a few hours, you’re going to feel it again. Probably much shorter of a time. Maybe it won’t even be but for a brief moment. Raw emotions of youth eventually find balance, after all.

But…remember, and more importantly cherish that feeling and what you finally learned that it means – something you can’t even put into words…

Growth. Emergence from darker times. Comfort with reaching, while rejecting settling. A desire to prove yourself worthy. To equal the impressions you’ve built up.

And…to what end? Meh, don’t worry about it. Just know it’s a good one. And cherish that faint echo of butterflies you once used to know so well (and often). Makes you feel young again…like you haven’t wasted as much time….

The pilot announces 30 minutes to landing. Another deeper than normal breath. Just a shadow of the feeling that once was… but True.

Damn you can’t wait to see her… 😊

No matter what becomes of that chance encounter on yet another screen five years ago… she’s dragging you into a new chapter of your life just as Kelly once did.

One you’d thought was dead and buried, now a Phoenix from the ashes. The Muse sings once more. That song of inspiration, fear, joy, then eventually courage… and ultimately… the dynamism you once knew.

You just really wish you’d gotten more sleep… 🤣🤣🤣

You know… even though you kind a have a phobia of arrogance, there is something about your personality that you really do appreciate.

It’s mirrored in your work ethic – being laid-back, casual; easy going, You’re not particularly prone to driving have a long into crazy levels of stress or sadly building towards doing more with your life. Things would be different if you had a family to provide for, but when it’s just you… it’s alright. Just find smooth waters…

Until…

Something happens. And then all hands on deck. Crunch time. Every single physical object in your presence and finding a kitchen sink to throw in too…

It’s great for a busy season at a job.

And when one of your friends needs help.

I mean come on let’s not pretend the obvious when it comes to the Crow. Something really bad goes down and you’re able to help – then notice how fast your mind can adjust for her. You’re mind starts running left and right; considering problem and seeking solution.

First priority make sure things are OK now.

Second priority make certain things are OK for tomorrow.

Third priority….

Fourth…

It could be any one of your closest friends and your mind goes straight to this mode. You’re not even necessarily thinking of her in any other way at the moment. Oh don’t worry you’ll be neckdeep in heart stuff again soon…

…But for right now your friend needs you and she is willing to have you to help her. She doesn’t need anymore drama, or for any ulterior motives on your part… And wow… The mind just responds.

Another friend whose wife just had their second child referred to the first few months of having a brand new baby as “wartime”; and honestly that’s such an apt analogy.

So for all your bellyaching over your faults and whining and fears for this future and that… there is something you’re pretty good with. 🙂

Be what she needs; not what you want. This is the Crow. You are not going to win her heart. That’s just not how this works. She knows who you are. If one day she wants to be with you, she will choose to be with you. If she doesn’t, she won’t.

Simple as that. So no pressure. 🙂

But she’s going to have to go through the process of getting to where she finally needs to be. She’s going to have to work on herself, so she doesn’t need anyone… but just wants someone to share the adventure of life with.

Be true to yourself and to her.

Be true, and all else will be well.

Be true, and you will never have to have a single regret.

And when it comes to the Crow… having few regrets… is all you could ever want. 🙂

Internet outages are a time machine back to 1995.

Good year 🙂

You clearly see it from outside, just as the few others she’s allowed to see into her life obviously do. And you have been watching good women struggle with leaving terrible “men”. And honestly that’s become baggage to an extent.

But you know that feeling too. And you know how difficult it is. It’s part of life though, and once you get to a certain point – several years in – it’s important to remember the Definition of Insanity.

Do what you’ve always done; get what you’ve always got.

But there’s something more in play here, and you know it.

This is a toxic relationship. The kind that is damaging and where escape is difficult because she has literally become dependent on the emotional manipulation and abuse. Like Stockholm syndrome, but worse.

You don’t know what it’s called but you sure as hell know what it is. When you can’t even begin to list just what you know he has done to her, and yet somehow she fixates on the tiniest detail so she can blame herself and absolve him.

That is what emotional abuse looks like.

There’s nothing more for her to learn. She knows what he does and that he’s never going to change – he doesn’t care enough about her to change.

It’s plain as day – even to her. A passionate woman tormented by what you can only call malevolent spirits that constantly weaken her resolve when it comes to abandoning things that need to be abandoned. Albert. Mike. The Art Teacher. Strife.

And now he’s even been physically violent to her. There is no future there, save for a downward spiral that will destroy her.

You know she has it in her. But this apparently has a stronger hold on her than even ‘Albert’. And there’s nothing you can do do, but keep praying every single day.

He will destroy himself and will not change course. If she stays with him, she will go down with the ship, and suffer more each day in the process.

Lord, help her fight what she doesn’t see. That is what is blinding her. Time away from him Will eventually save her.

Knowing what she must do and doing it are two separate things. She’s known for over two years.

Give her strength.

This is killing her. Starting with her dreams. Then her hopes. Her happiness. Her feeling of safety. Her job. Her Financial security. And it’s not going to stop getting worse.

This beautiful woman is being Destroyed; she knows it and is barely able to care. The longer she stays, the more damage will be done to her.

Give her Strength and Wisdom, Lord. Take what you need from me if you must. Give her strength and wisdom.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast;

it is not arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way;

it is not irritable or resentful;

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

As for prophecies, they will pass away;

as for tongues, they will cease;

as for knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.

When I was a child, I spoke like a child,

I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.

Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three;

but the greatest of these is love.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13 ESV‬‬

* * *

The entire chapter is important; there are so many messages within the one that flows through the consciousness of the reader if they seek the wisdom within. Verse by verse. Sentence by sentence. Mindful of meaning.

Worthy not just of reading but meditating upon for an entire lifetime.

What does Love mean?

It means…..more.

Bring me peace…

I’m so tired….

So tired…

Everything you ever dreamed of.

Everything you have ever waited for.

Finally No one else is in the way.

You remember her words like they were yesterday… “If it doesn’t work out this time… I’m your girl”.

It literally took your breath away for a second. And yeah, you are used to The Crow changing her mind. It’s always been one of the difficulties in reading her.

And obviously she seems to have changed her mind now… and you understand why given the circumstances.

And you can’t count on anything. It’s not like she is going to announce a long plan to heal, accomplish X, Y, and Z just prepare to be with you.

That would be Amazing, but come on…get fing over yourself… 🤣

If you lived there it would be different. A few months ago your parents even told you not to worry about them and if you loved her…to go. But that was before the hospitalizations.

And you flat out can’t do that to them. You don’t deserve this magnificent people. Sure everyone has parents but not like them. Endlessly compassionate. Frugal yet Giving. Hard-working and simple. Understanding and encouraging. They have done so much for you it is unfathomable to leave them now when they need you. And Mom could not make it in Canada.

They’re older and when they’re gone… you will go anywhere if she wants. Canada. Colorado. Outer Mongolia. She will have given so that your Duties could be met; she will have earned the right to decide where you will spend your future years together.

There is some anger there as well. The folks are a reason. Not wanting to move because you’ve already moved somewhere once is an inconvenience.

If she moved here you would sell your house so you could get her a suitable house for her shop. No-brainer; it’s just a house. She’d be everything.

You’re not going to give up your faith, so you really don’t have any right to have expectations of her changing her views.

Of course there is the obvious desire for her to share your faith – That’s what any Christian would want for any non-Christian. You’d do your best to be an advocate – which means respecting her views and not pushing her away. Be the example you wish to set. Few folks can do that. It sounds terrifying. You’re game though. 🙂

You know what is in your heart, and if you listen to it and are wise enough, maybe she will give it some consideration.

But even if she doesn’t she will never be loved one ounce less.

Then there’s biblical wisdom of seeking a Christian wife. You don’t care. If she’s never going to follow Christ, then you don’t want to be Wise. If you’re wrong, you’re the only one who will be hurt. And If you’re right? Zero problem whatsoever rolling those dice. 🙂

More than anything you want to go to her. Out of fear and terror that you will miss this tiny little crack of a window that you might have. If she asks you to come, you will be there literally as soon as you possibly can. Maximum two weeks so you don’t get fired.

Because you’ve been so scarred when it comes to those damned windows.

But you know what?

She kinda knows, Atreyu….

There isn’t some magical argument you can come up with to convince her of anything when she has made a decision.

Respect it or ride off into the sunset. So others might have gotten their way by pestering. You aren’t them. Be someone she can’t wait to talk in the afternoons.

Regardless of what you want the Crow to be, first understand what she actually was put in your life to be – The Muse. Whether it’s her or she helps guide you, you know she’s a part of that journey.

You decided long ago that she would get approval rights for any relationship you started. If a girl met her approval…. you would be okay.

You know the irony deep down that as protective of you are of her… deep down she is very protective of you was well.

Maybe that’s why you have difficulty sleeping…. wondering why she just won’t give you a chance… with all the stars aligning…

And that’s the frustration born from thinking the linear way you did before you met her and she taught you a new dimension to it all.

You really are an idiot sometimes. 🙂 Trust her. If the answer is no now, it’s no for a good reason.

Is he really gone this time? You don’t know. You really don’t. You don’t even know what happened and you don’t want to, because if it is beyond devastating and she does let him back in…. no more. Just no more.

If her needs are overwhelming her you will “sacrifice” the last 17 years to keep her away from him. Yeah like that would be a sacrifice to make your wildest dreams come true with that magnificent woman…

Whatever. The fact that you’re scared means you aren’t trusting her. And there’s only one way to fix that.

Trust Her.

Because if you can’t, nothing else even matters to begin with.

So shut up, smile, and make her smile. Something tells you… she won’t forget that you like her. 🤔

Now be her trusted friend and Do Not Wait for her. Try to find someone else. Because that’s the hard thing to do – and just how life works these days…🙂

But what if she finds someone else and you miss out again?

What do you think? It’s gonna hurt. But that’s no reason to turn into a whiny, lovesick husk of a man. Act your age, and work to be someone’s lottery win.

Time Squared.

Badly wounded knee; internal injury. Bruises and cuts all over from various injuries due to athletic life and rough childhood. Health scares. Threat of blood clots and weak heart. No health insurance. Job in constant danger. Wrestling with alcoholism. Smokes like a chimney. Terrible depression from losing everything in divorce; kids all the way down to her 17 year old cat. Stalker constantly pestering her.

Is this really a good idea?

Fuck it. She’s a nice girl. The woman wants to cook for you ffs, and God has slammed every other door in your face. And… yeah… ya like her. 🙂 Stop thinking the next one has to be It. Try it. See where things go.

Feel really excited and…

Oh. You again. Figured. Fuck off.

Yeah yeah, see you tomorrow… 😒

https://youtu.be/8wLwxmjrZj8

You’re sick to your stomach too. Knotted up tight. Can’t eat or even vomit. Just bad enough to force you to stay home and be miserable, but cause no problems to keep you from bright-and-earlying tomorrow.. 😒

You haven’t had a thing to drink since last night. You know what’s happening. Another convergence. Work, social, and spiritual turmoil all in rapid succession. Within 48 hours to be honest.

You are so tired. Warned the Crown of your issue, but left to her if she still wanted to come over. Canceling would send the wrong message considering she stopped by on the way out and knows you’re hurting, and you really wouldn’t mind seeing her.

It’s not official but it pretty much is. And it kills you that you’re so down. Seriously…your last actual “relationship relationship” ended in 2011.

So much energy earlier today. Drive. Desire to fight on a second front to balance the universe out so another could fight her battles alongside you without you interfering.

That is the way the universe works after all. Actions taken by one do have strands of connectivity with actions taken by others. Some may call it karma. You recognize it clearly as a hidden web of possibility And impossibility, balanced by positive and negative energies of various sorts. You don’t see it but you know it’s there, represented in your mind in some small way as something you could conceive of just in order to get your fingernails on the concept.

The last chapter of the book of James declares that the prayers of a righteous man carry more weight than that of the unrighteous. So every time you failed to be righteous, your prayers carried less weight.

Rudimentary trial and error had the anecdotal evidence smack you in the face with truth. Coincidences of timing would soon prove to be statistically impossible.

Praying for someone became two front battles. Leonidas holding his ground at Thermopylae as Themistocles protected the seas at Artemisium. Both must hold strong or both lose. There is an inherent weakness there, but also an inherent strength, to be wiser and more righteous in knowing how to pray for those you care about.

Laying on the couch with tingling throat and stomach feeling as if filled with mud. Space ambient music vid on the TV surround sound with LED accompaniment. Wasting one of the 522 Wednesday Evenings of your 40’s.

A Bible’s next to you but you haven’t opened it. It sits next to a cat patiently waiting for the arbitrary moment of the secret food sound.

There are just some things in life you cannot understand, and tonight, you’re grappling with several.

Rather puts things in perspective… how could we understand the vastness of the universe and the decisions that God makes if we can’t even understand how our friends think.

Writing helps. The pain lessons slightly. It is all connected. Time, Space, Prayer, Possibility, Light and Darkness. Energies of many forms, almost all of which we can’t see with human eyes or technology.

You don’t know why she hurt you. But you know her well enough to know what was influencing her. You could see its fingerprints on the texts.

The very same woman that saved you from porn and ironically the last porn you saw was of her… under the same influence. A picture made to stab you in the heart, and successful.

The Crown is very late. No word. Not getting nervous yet. Used to being stood up. Victim of timing.

Getting tired now. Music is good. Got this one from Crow. Of course it’s good.

You took 5 July off from work to have a four day weekend two weeks from now. No plans. Just knew you needed some time off. Work is insufferable and will be until the Teacher comes back to work actual projects with.

You just don’t understand.

Finally heard from the Crown. Seems lateness is normalcy. Many friends all confiding in her, needing shoulders to cry on, and that fits her bill.

Honestly you’re really not much different… other than the fact that you seem to have chosen friends that are more mature and have less drama. Well, you hope… while understanding that that is going to get annoying very quickly. She wasn’t immune to standing you up either.

You just don’t understand.

And you don’t want to anymore. You’re so sick of it all. It fills your stomach like mud but you can’t purge and vomit it out. You can’t get away.

So tired.