Just a painting seems appropriate. A photo would be real. But a painting will do for now.

Bask in the warmth of home. Be thankful for your trials. They will make you wiser and stronger, and you desperately need to be both.

And they have only just begun.

You asked for this years ago. Now you have it.

Hold fast. The real sky is much stormier than you know.

You spent the night at a friend’s house, holding her as she cried. Divorce. Loss of children. House. Pets. Everything. Not to mention terrifying health concerns.  Sneaking blood clot. Exhaustion after walking five minutes.

It was good for you. You need to be there for others. You want to be retired from this gig. But you can still do good work. So focus on work. Let that heal your petty wounds…

Now back to the storm…on no sleep…again…

You’re honestly trying to ponder the meaning of her words, because from your perspective they don’t make much sense. That’s why you’re so frustrated…you think it could actually be a misunderstanding. Or maybe you just hope…

You mentioned to her the dam bursting…but never really got to elaborate with her on what that meant…and that it was a good thing for both of you, and your friendship.

If she’d known the whole story…would it have happened like that? Who knows. That’s why you’d agreed to resolve issues by at least speaking with each other.

Examining things from her perspective is difficult, because as much as you get her, you really have no idea how she thinks. That’s one of the reasons why you’ve always been so intrigued by her. She’s given her share of mixed messages over the past few years, but they always seemed to hold true to the then. As in, she changed her mind a lot…which is normal for many women…and normal to be misunderstood by many men.

You realize that for her to get that upset with you for what you considered to be a normal walking-in-the-door, she’s likely been dealing with her perception of you in her mind already…possibly for hours. When you finally do speak, you’re further into the Danger Zone than you realize. Again, normal for people, and you do it probably more than she does.

You said earlier you have nothing to apologize for, and when it came to the last conversation – what really exploded – you feel aside from one moment of weakness, you don’t. But now? Looking back? You were the one who put her into that mindset box – making it easy for her to fixate frustrations on X, Y, and Z on you because she began to associate you with them. In your eyes, there was no warning. That might be because you prefer direct communication.

You honestly don’t think you did anything wrong, because…you honestly always had difficulty reading her. You had no idea she was to that point. And you still think there are other things in play, but…

Rules.

The Rules you always followed. What is appropriate. What isn’t. How to treat women who are in a relationship. How to respect the people they chose to be with. Being diplomatic. You got excited, and abandoned those rules. Well turns out you had them for a reason now, doesn’t it?

Honestly? You wanted to learn from her. See things through her eyes. Embrace your passions. Unlock that side of you that’s been sleeping so long, suffocated by Rules – because hey, it has… One can hope there might be a happy medium.

You just want your friend back. You don’t understand everything going on, but you know you could have simply avoided so much of it if you just acted more like yourself, and not the way you used to be.

Rules exist for a reason. And you just hope one day you get to live by them again with her in your life. Because truth of the matter is…you gave up on being with her… and the pressure was off – for you…but not her.

That doesn’t mean she didn’t still mean the world to you. Being excommunicated from someone’s life that you’ve shared deep, meaningful time with…that you consider as close as family…it hurts as bad a romantic breakup. It’s not your love or your friendship that’s being rejected…it’s rejecting you and everything you are.

Just a chance to communicate. Be honest. True. And if there needs to be rules, let there be rules. You did fine before you started breaking yours. You just want your friend back.

But not now. For right now, quite simply, you’re both sick of each other’s perceived issues. Not even a sign is a good idea. Things have got to be purged. Feelings. You can’t see her that way. It causes problems. And you were already on your way.

You are who you are because of the rules you’ve chosen to live your life by. You never wanted her to adopt them per se – her chaos is something you appreciate the most. But for your part? Be true to yourself, and the rules that made you who she wanted to be friends with in the first place.

And take your time; you aren’t ready yet.

 

Wasn’t even my idea. We haven’t had a family tourist outing in years…

 

Personal Opinion: Learning to find joy even in the oddest places is a trick that will truly sustain one in life.

Next week the workload is really going to blow up; might as well use that as inspiration to have a blast this weekend, lolz….

 

 

 

 

 

Someone always has it worse. 🙂

Five years. I saw her soul for five years. It was beautiful. Passionate. Intelligent. Scarred, but resolute. And all in one fell swoop she did what she swore she’d never do… instantly. Zero explanation.

I could handle one, but not both. No “look…I’m sorry, but here’s why I can’t ___.” Nothing. I never once told her I deserved or was owed anything from her. Quite the opposite.

We spoke literally every day. I love her. I’ve always loved her. Friend. Family. More. Less. I don’t even fucking care anymore. And I would not have been in this mess nearly as bad if I hadn’t been trying to help her find You.

You put me here. Gave me insight I’d never known. Told me when she was in danger, even though she still sliced her hand and she’ll never finish that damn book. You’d never done that for anyone else. My whole life. Just her.

Did you set me up for failure? Her anger at me has got Your name all over it. Me being loyal to you is one of the reasons she’s so bitter.

I don’t know what the hell your plan is. But it has cost been an awful lot of pain. Sleep. More time mourning then for anyone I have ever mourned.

My heart was a lamb to the fucking slaughter – and you knew it.

I broke every rule for her I could, Because of everything that happened to her that shouldn’t. And fine I’ll break that rule too – Shouldn’t. Have. Happened. To. Her.

No, you didn’t appoint me to “save her”. Only she could do that. But I wanted to at least be someone to put brightness into her life. Show her life through my eyes. And I was up against things… not… of… this… world.

And as optimistic as I am I just flat out didn’t see any backup on Your end. And after what I saw when I was there? You want me to go up against…that??? I don’t want to know what your plan is. I hate it.

Now I’m supposed be going out to lunch with a really nice girl, and I can’t even be excited about it. Is this to build my faith or something? Some test, like I promised her you don’t give?

I don’t even care anymore. At least right now. I gave her my heart thanks to your plan, and the new one just ain’t ready yet. I’m going to be angry your damn plan for a long, long time.

But…No. There is no question. No shame. No regret. I trust You. And put me up against the same thing 10 times over if you want, but just please…

…make it worth it. She will always be sacred to me. No matter how furious or hurt. No matter how shocked and crestfallen.

Bring her true happiness. That’s all I’ve got left to ask for right now. Never let her feel she can’t talk to me. Ease my pain so I give her no reason to hang up on me for good.

I’m her officer. Her protector she said. I don’t know what that means, but she is one of my dearest friends. and now she won’t even let me try to protect her…like I was doing any good to begin with.

No, I’m not okay. I won’t be until I’ve found the wisdom I need.

For her…I need the wisdom to just be… Quiet. I am as confused as I am crestfallen. Not one sip of alcohol until I trust myself. Purge my anger. I hate again for the first time in 19 years. That’s the first thing that’s got to go. Only you and I know how dark it got; she’d be shocked. I don’t ever want to be that guy again. 

But above all, please help keep me fucking Quiet, for her sake.

No matter what Your plan is… I’m honored that You put her in my life. I don’t know why right now. But one day I will remember the five years of having that treasured woman in my life, and not the last five days of absolute pain.

I just want my friend back. I won’t apologize for anything, because I didn’t do anything wrong. But please…I just want my friend back. Never let her feel my door is closed, or give her any reason not to open it again.

Barring that, Lord…please put your arms around her every minute I can’t. Please never let her forget how much I want her to be happy. And please, Lord…take care of my favorite Jennifer.

Amen.

Would you prefer to be aggrieved, or thankful?

“Out of my distress I called on the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free.

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?

The Lord is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.”

“The Lord has disciplined me severely, but he has not given me over to death.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭118:5-9‬ and 18

#May14

…when I can begin to be surprised. 🙂

#May14

Not even noon yet on Monday and you can tell this is going to be a trial of a week. And you still know the storm on the horizon hasn’t really even begun to churn yet.

Life just never hits you piecemeal does it? Well maybe it does, but it’s not so bad because it is just one at a time.

You’ve been through far worse and you will be through far worse in the future. That’s not the problem. Problem is the storm is bigger than just you.

One of your dearest friends is neck deep in anger at you and honestly has been for a few weeks, for reasons you really don’t understand. You’ve tried to stay positive, then she tried twice to stab you in the heart when you failed her. She’s pushing you away. She must have her reasons, but you’re really worried about her. How can you not be? Mixed messages for months and months and you literally just don’t know what’s truly going on in her mind…or heart. She seems like she wants to hurt you and there’s only one way left that she can. And that wouldn’t just hurt; it would devastate you.

A new friend and coworker is fighting her own battle just to come into work. You feel you need to make it as easy on her as you can or she’ll crack. Considering you can’t even make it easy for yourself, an uphill battle begins… along with the hell of having to go back to where you spent eight months of misery for “a little while”.

You can see it in mom’s and dad’s eyes they’re afraid for each’s health, and you know they’d keep you away from the stress as much as they could – so it’s worse than you think. That’s all you can know. Which makes it worse.

Tiny slivers of silver lining can be found, but this is no time for Optimism. But that is why Optimism is more important than ever.

It’s hitting in May for a reason. Just hope the reason isn’t because it would destroy you some other time.

You hark on the virtue of Wisdom, but that’s because what little wisdom you actually have, you treasure – because you’d suffered so hard to get it.

And that Wisdom tells you…trust Him. No matter how mad you are at Him. No matter how hard it gets. No matter what you don’t understand.

And if you lose everyone you love, and everything you have, and god forbid everything you are…

Be nothing but thankful for the days you got to have them in your life…

…and hold fast. Because the page is about to turn…and the new heart you’re building isn’t ready yet…