You are under no obligation to hurt for no reason.

You are under no obligation to pretend there is no problem when there is one, and it hurts you.

You are under no obligation to be there for someone on a conditional basis – defined by either one of you.

You are under no obligation to sacrifice your well-bring in the form of bottled-up stress, for someone else to demand to ignore it.

And most importantly – no one is obligated to any of this regarding you, either.

Blame yourself for the actions that you have committed – but only those actions. Hold others accountable for the actions they have committed.

Do not ignore wrongs committed against you, regardless of the wrongs you may have committed. If forgiveness is asked, grant it; just as you would hope forgiveness was granted to you.

But in either case, do not forget.

Do not forget that to ask for forgiveness also means that you strive to avoid committing the same wrongs. And that means taking steps to find ways of stopping them – and each of us must see clearly our own lives, faults, and truths before we can do the same for others.

There is no more greater virtue in this world than Truth. 

When you don’t know what to do, and you feel locked and trapped by your feelings, you must think outside the box, and find another way of looking at things so you can see the truth for what it is.

Each of us is our own worst enemy. We want what we can’t have, and the more we struggle, the worse we make it for ourselves, and the more it hurts.

We are under no obligation regarding each other in life but what we choose; our obligation first and foremost must be to Truth.

Otherwise, we don’t deserve self-respect, much less happiness. And without true Self-Respect – not its evil twin Arrogance – we can never have what we want. Because what we want doesn’t exist.

Either place your trust in God, or in yourself. In Reality, or Fantasy. In Truth, or in Falseness. In Selfishness, or Self-Respect.

You can’t control the world. If you haven’t figured that out by now, it is your responsibility to find a way to figure it out. That requires you to stop making the same mistakes and start listening to others who can help you.

It’s not like your problems are unique. There are others who understand what it is like to feel trapped by one’s feelings, and to know how they can hold one’s life completely in check.

If you want to be there for someone you claim you care about… you must be right with yourself first. 

Because you are the only one you can change. 

Be true, or be wrong.



You remember it plain as day. You were in a dreadful depression for a while thanks to stupid little decisions that you kept making and they kept  causing a problem for your grades. What’s really funny is that in retrospect you don’t even remember what most of them were. So much of it was self doubt, most of the rest was simply failing to prepare. Economics is a very highly complex science and much of it is theoretical. Different aspects and different systems. Different models and different variables. All plugged into varying scenarios knowing that any one scenario involves utilizing more than one model and trying to figure out which is the priority.

You got torched in so many courses because you failed to prepare and didn’t really sit down and chew on what you needed to learn. Eventually you have to start re-taking courses you got D’s in just to up the GPA. Tremendous frustration because they average to the grades rather than replacing them, so if you got an A the second time around, The D and the A averaged to a C+… which is wrong because you got an A! It just took you taking it again.

So there you are with an A knowledge of a subject but treated like you only have a C+ knowledge of the subject. That’s pretty shitty for university to do considering you’re the one paying for it and it cost you a shit ton of money to take a course again just to get a better grade. It’s your time and your money. That’s plenty cost to pay for screwing around the first course.

Depression built on that… you would take a course hoping to up your GPA and you might take a hit in midterms from failing to prepare as much as you needed, and before you knew it you were behind the eight ball because just getting a C didn’t do much good. And every C you got would make it even harder to dig yourself out of the hole.

So if you took a course three times, you would never get out what you needed of it even by getting an A.

And for what? Because jackass ivory tower intellectual Decided that if you can’t figure it out during their allotted time you don’t deserve your degree…. But they deserved to the reap the financial reward of you trying over and over like you were struggling in quicksand of you paying them semester after semester.

It still pisses you off, and rightfully so because that is lawsuit material like you have never heard of. But still you took responsibility for your actions by signing on the dotted line, and there you were.

Late 97 or early 98… Banking. The same 300 level course that dad told you bit him so badly at Clemson; he got a D and was thankful to just get out of there. Torched you even worse. You still remember the final exam. You studied and you thought you were ready to give it a fighting chance, despite the fact that it was going to be seriously tough to overcome how bad the rest of your grades have been all semester… and after waiting an hour for the sake of your dignity so you wouldn’t be the first to turn it in, you turned in the final exam blank with a simple note to Dr. Clary that you would see her next semester.

Be straight with yourself, Atreyu. You had given up. Seriously. As far as you were concerned,  you had no plan. You had no idea how you were going to make it out. And you kept digging yourself into a hole.  taking some elective business administration courses helped some; bringing in a couple of B’s, but then you got bit by the intermodals and another C and D.

Spring of 98 honestly the smartest thing for you to do was cut your losses and leave school. You were spending way too much money per semester to even dream of being able to graduate. You were better off taking that money and trying to restart at a tech school or something. See if you could find a way to just get everyone to ignore the massive failure that you had dug yourself into.

That sinking feeling in your heart that you are so fucking familiar with begin to introduce itself to you. The one that you really don’t feel when you think about it…. but you know it’s always there. Impending loss. Failure.  like living on savings and slowly watching it disappear… wondering what’s going to happen when it’s all gone.

Mom and dad took you to lunch and you were trying to vent as they tried to listen. You said “I Just don’t feel motivated anymore.” Dad said “Then you need to GET motivated!” One of the biggest captain obvious moments you could ever imagine but it actually did happen to you at some restaurant, lolz.

Dad was retired Army reserve. Lieutenant Colonel, 28 years in. Executive VP of his company. He didn’t live in a world where you can depress yourself into failure. It was just an alien concept to him, and he was absolutely no good to you in terms of helping, probably for the first time in your life… and he didn’t know how to process that.

Your trauma – if you can even call it that – was a result of diagnosed chronic depression, determination to avoid the resources of the college provided to those with attention deficit disorder, and a fixation on denial… to which a counselor told you was the natural response of many people to stress – focusing on things that don’t matter to avoid stressing over the things that do… and thus making them worse.

That shit was real though, and you have never gone through anything like it before. You’re pretty intelligent and breezed through high school without much effort; you’d never had to fight your inherent weaknesses that way before.

It pretty much took direct action by God Himself after all of that cost you Flame (well maybe; maybe not now that she finally got her side of it), but God isn’t the one that finally rocked midterms. God isn’t the one that actually sat down and did what you knew you always could have done. You were. God can show you the way but it’s meaningless if you don’t do your part.

But you did, so here you are. Yay.

Different people have different weaknesses. You have yours; and they are fairly mild thanks to blessings you’ve lost count of. Others have wounds that are far deeper. Leading them to places in retrospect so much worse than mere quicksand depression.

You remember staring at the phone with utter disgust as an ex-girlfriend who was trying to be friends with you went back to her boyfriend who hit her. Lil Cathy. She really wanted to be with you, and your time together was fun but… just wasn’t really a good idea, and she really had let herself go while she was married to the guy in the Navy. She and a friend were visiting and her boyfriend at the hotel punched her. You, her friend and one of yours got her out of there and to your friends house  where she’d be safe for the night. She hadn’t even really been with the guy for that awfully long, but to hear it this was the first time it’d happened.

In your mind there is only one logical conclusion; dump the bastard. It’s not like you wouldn’t make sure she got back to Virginia separately. Problem solved.

So the next afternoon when you get off work and heard she had just gone back to him and the two of them left together… she fell into the category so many girls in high school had. Fucking stupid.

I mean you had had it with the nice guy schtick. You’d tried be there to comfort so many girls who just wouldn’t leave jerks, but never physical abuse because A guy hitting a girl was an instant relationship kill in your mind.

To this day you have contempt for poor Cathy. Last you heard she got married. Hopefully to someone else.

You really do have utter contempt for women staying with jerks. You accept that jerks are jerks. You understand they are obstacles through the course of life, and by your nature you are protective and supportive of others. You cannot comprehend certain things through the lens of anything other than absolute fucking stupidity.

Fascinating.

All these years… and you never tied it together with dad and “getting motivated.”

It is objectively clear to you that abusers need to be tossed. It’s not even a question, and frankly you don’t have an ounce of respect for anyone that keeps sticking their hand in what they know is a wood chipper. Simply put… you honestly just don’t have time for that kind of bullshit.

Neither did dad, for a different kind of bullshit.

To people who are emotionally or physically abused, they know what the deal is. They’re not stupid. They understand full well what’s happening but they can’t get past their feelings of coping… just like you couldn’t get past your quicksand of depression.

So… you have two choices. You wash your hands of people in need like you did with Lil Cathy… or you try to find a way to understand the hidden problem that they keep fighting and losing to. 

Your judgment was sunk in a swamp of sadness before God came to you like Falkor from above to save you. As you struggle to come to terms with this realization, two things become clear. You are no Falkor, and if you care, you’re going to have to learn about overcoming wounds you’ve been blessed to never have.

This isn’t the first terrible relationship she’s been in. She seems to gravitate towards them – and she needs help from people that understand a hell of a lot more than you ever will what her quicksand is.

Pray. And learn what she needs from you. She’s not stupid, so stop acting like she’s stupid. She’s wounded. Deeply, and probably for a lot longer than she realizes. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it but learn how best to support her.

And that means shelving your frustration. So yeah… definitely start with prayer.

And if you can’t get past it, do what you need to not make it worse.

Just like dad did for you.

 Start here. https://www.thehotline.org/2017/02/16/supporting-someone-returning-to-abusive-relationship/

And here.

https://www.thehotline.org/2016/09/21/why-do-i-love-my-abuser/

Now… shut the fuck up about it until you have a better idea.





How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship

If you are being abused, remember:

• You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
• You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior.
• You deserve to be treated with respect.
• You deserve a safe and happy life.
• Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
• You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.

Signs that your abuser is NOT changing:

• He minimizes the abuse or denies how serious it really was.
• He continues to blame others for his behavior.
• He claims that you’re the one who is abusive.
• He pressures you to go to couple’s counseling.
• He tells you that you owe him another chance.
• You have to push him to stay in treatment.
• He says that he can’t change unless you stay with him and support him.
• He tries to get sympathy from you, your children, or your family and friends.
• He expects something from you in exchange for getting help.
• He pressures you to make decisions about the relationship.

If you’re in an abusive relationship

Why doesn’t she just leave? It’s the question many people ask when they learn that a woman is suffering battery and abuse. But if you are in an abusive relationship, you know that it’s not that simple. Ending a significant relationship is never easy. It’s even harder when you’ve been isolated from your family and friends, psychologically beaten down, financially controlled, and physically threatened.

If you’re trying to decide whether to stay or leave, you may be feeling confused, uncertain, frightened, and torn. Maybe you’re still hoping that your situation will change or you’re afraid of how your partner will react if he discovers that you’re trying to leave. One moment, you may desperately want to get away, and the next, you may want to hang on to the relationship. Maybe you even blame yourself for the abuse or feel weak and embarrassed because you’ve stuck around in spite of it. Don’t be trapped by confusion, guilt, or self-blame. The only thing that matters is your safety.

*****

No – it doesn’t matter if you hit him first. His abuse was emotional before it was physical.

Being blunt. Sorry, not sorry. Good friends care about you, whether it upsets you or not.

Please…at the very least… seek help from people who understand what I can’t.

If you can’t leave an abuser, there is a reason why: Emotional damage, and you must come to terms with it. Must. 🌷

Love,

Orson 

So much made of the field of battle. Technological revolutions will do that. At the end of the day it was a simple field between two rows of trees. Was a bright blue day when we saw it in the spring of 1995. Where Henry’s Longbowmen seemed as if they’d be washed over by a tide of French cavalry that greatly outnumbered them. That was the day the Knight died, and took Feudalism with it. The Knights were the French nobility, and their numbers were devastated by arrow fire. Unlike the pleasant afternoon we enjoyed, that day was cold, wet, and muddy. The horses clopped onto the soaked field between the two thick tree lines and tried to charge the English at the top of the hill… but their numbers were too large. Ironic… if they had merely a tenth of their number, the French Knights would have been harder to hit by massed fire, perhaps been more able to maneuver, and actually had a chance. Just a few dozen heavily armored knights getting to the top of the hill would have spelled doom for the English army. But in the mud, they could barely hold formation, and with their numbers, they were packed so tightly they could barely draw their swords. They never had a chance. The best of the best of all of France were mowed down helplessly en masse with wave after wave of that bastard Plunging Fire…and there was nothing they could do about it but look around as everyone died around them as they waited their turn.

Women often complain that chivalry is dead. It wasn’t modern society though, blame the Yeoman. English Archers weren’t even really seen as professional soldiers; most often they were commoners that were commanded to train at the butts one day a week, all day. Drawing the weight of a heavy longbow isn’t for the weak; requiring building up of muscles almost no one else ever uses. But compared to the brightly-colored banners and tabards of the French nobility, more often than not with a good portion of their family’s worth invested in the glistening armor and gear they carried, they were common folk. Nobodies. Feudalism was ended on a soggy October afternoon by a bunch of nobodies. By the end of the Century, the Age of Discovery had begun and Mercantilism began replacing Lords and Barons. 

Asked the folks to bring down the photos from those trips, but they were mixed in with other albums. They found Portsmouth, Cologne, and a few each of Waterloo and Aachen, but Agincourt and Bastogne were nowhere to be found. Need to do some searching. Photos from those days are important. Found so many of us touring Navy ships. Dad always supported me, and when I was dead set in going into the Navy, he took me to bases on both coasts to tour as many ships as we could board. He really cared. Still does. I so wanted to share that with you. 

I don’t know what to do, sweetie. Typed up a bunch of feelings that I don’t want to send and you don’t want to read. None of it matters. You know already, and even sprinkling in some humor won’t make it new.

The song you sent that night hit me really, really hard. 

It hit me hard because… you don’t need to be tougher anymore. You’ve suffered. You’ve hurt. You’ve cried. And… you don’t need that anymore. It doesn’t need to be that way anymore. There is so much more… and I want so badly for your heart to be at ease. For you to be with someone you can breathe deeply and know would never hurt you. Who’d give you in the second half of your life everything that was stolen from you in the first.

Who understood… and if you accidentally reacted out of past pain and dug your talons into him, he’d know you didn’t mean it, knowing some wounds just don’t heal in this world. Being as tough as you want… but never *needing* to be tough again. 

And then…it came out. All of it. Everything I’d held back. I’m still embarrassed.

Look… I hate it too. But this is how it has to be… I just can’t pretend I’m fine with you being with someone who abuses you. No one who cared about you could. Nothing has changed in four years aside from it now being physical abuse instead of just emotional.

I just can’t deal with it. And if our roles were reversed, you would feel the same way.

My negativity would bleed through. It would spoil my words, my thoughts. I’m no good to you if I have negativity in my heart. Eventually we’d fight more and more and one day we’d  leave each others lives in bitterness and ‘good riddance’. 

There is no way in Hell I’m going to let that happen. I have no idea what’s going on now, or in the future… but no, I’m not letting that happen. You are sacred to me. You always have been. Sorry not sorry. 🙂

I want my presence in your life to fill your heart with peace, joy, and vibrance. To do that, I need to find them myself. With my health and career both in shambles, the only way I can do that is to share my thoughts here, and hope you continue to do the same.

I unblocked you after only two weeks. I got every text. Every message. I read your blog every day, though honestly I have to be wary any time you post a picture now.

It made me sick to my stomach to not be there if you truly needed me. I gave you my word, and I will always keep it. Now you know. Please don’t unless you feel you really have to.

For now, this is the way we can share each other’s lives. Please trust me. It has to be this way. I don’t know for how long.

Don’t you ever think I don’t love you, sweetie. 

Orson 🌷

 

This. You’ve wanted to do this for so long; ever since you first heard it searching for D&D music. This is your land. You need a win. Something productive. Something accomplished. Doesn’t matter if it doesn’t matter. Nothing is stopping you except wanting to stay inside and sulk in the Holy City. In May.

You need a Win. Any kind of win. Let’s do this… 🙂

LOL everything about this has been a disappointment… but… disappointment layered within disappointment in such a way where it loops like a Mobius. You really don’t know the Bible; never read it as an adult, and no, it’s not just like a novel. A collection of 66 books by numerous different authors spread over, what, a thousand years… Every book is a different story. And…several years back, you thought “Why not find an uplifting one?” Well, yanno, there’s plenty, but for some messed up reason you always identified with the Old Testament more than the New Testament. Maybe it’s the D&D geek in you, or the contrarian when everyone else seems to fixate on the main thing – stuff like the big four gospels and the two Corinthians books where they always seem to draw on. Maybe it’s a Baptist thing. Who knows…

So, fire up the old Internets to find the old “give me a quick summary of what each book is about” one day when you’re in the waiting room at Doctor’s Care back in 2016 or so and ironically you’re drawn more to obscure books in the Old Testament. Began with Habakkuk because you were amused by the idea of a prophet – a true holy man – throwing up his arms in frustration and metaphorically yelling out “What the fuck, God?!? Why are you letting this happen?” Seemed like a great book to draw upon to have an answer to those questions when either posed to you or when you pose them to Him. You even brought it to Bible Study and led for a few weeks. The Bible Project YouTube channel made it easy. Cliff Notes. Truth be told, you wanted to be able to bounce it off the folks there just so you could actually comprehend it. Being unable to even read…well, don’t beat yourself up; you were an idiot, and you’re trying to properly sleep your way out of idiocy.

You saw Ezra also, and the description was:

“The story of the return of the Jews from the Babylonish captivity, and of the rebuilding of the temple.”

Well that actually sounds like a pick-me-up. Something to inspire you; something where things finally went right. Not the gloom-and-doom with a promised silver lining like Habakkuk, or, well…half the other books it seems like…

And…the whole book is actually about grandiose expectations and crushing disappointment. I mean you can’t make this stuff up. 

So much disappointment in the last few years in your life. Everything seems to be as if it’s coming together; like you’re finally getting to where you want to be in life. With your career. With love. With your health. Actually feel like being an honest-to-God forty-something adult that resembles where you thought you’d be. Where Mom and Dad were in the late 80’s. I mean you can’t even comprehend either one of them being as behind as you feel right now… And one by one, all of those inevitabilities were crushed. Some were your fault; some weren’t. But as you often say “There is a difference between ‘fault’ and ‘responsibility’. There is. But, at the end of the day, it’s not one that matters.” 

Yeah, you do think a little too highly of yourself sometimes, but you have confirmation from a few folks that that actually was a pretty wise thing to come up with, lolz…

Ezra. Microcosm. Grandiose moments heralded by an edict from Cyrus of Persia to allow the grand rebuilding of the Temple, after the dark days Habakkuk was warned about in his “Biblical ‘Dafuq?’ Moment.” Yeah, write that term down too, lolz… (apparently you can’t put emojis on posts you do on the computer. Weird…)

I mean according to the Cliff Notes YouTube video… the Book of Ezra even ENDS in disappointment, and the story has to be carried over in the next one. Talk about a Letdown. And… yeah… that’s just how He leads you. That’s the way He rolls. Little signs here and there. He knows where you are. How tired your soul is. How hurt. How frustrated. Everywhere you look yields frustration and you don’t have a clue what to do. Forty-three going on twelve; thanks Mom and Dad for the mortgage payment…and the groceries…and the insurance…and God Willing the the upcoming Mayo Clinic trip.

Meh. Comfort yourself in that you hate being here with every fiber of your being. You will never get used to it, and if you ever do, to hell with you. You’re here to be successful. To be the one that helps others. To be wealthy enough to be able to fund causes you care about and come to the aid of people who need you. And always remember just how much faith THEY have in YOU. Because if you were a loser? Didn’t appreciate them? Didn’t have the need to Pay It Forward? They’d make sure you didn’t starve, but that’d be about it. But they believe in you. So…believe in yourself.

So…find a way to balance that. Something you really suck at. Figure out how to use this feeling as a Riding Crop – just hard enough on yourself that it pushes you to overcome it… but not so hard that you hurt yourself with guilt. It’s messed up; you used to be good at this. Well, at least once, and you’re pretty sure that “most amazing moment in your life” was pretty much just Him throwing you a mulligan. 

Folks are coming over to have Sunday lunch. And the dreaded “how I’m doing with all the crap I need to do” report. Ugh. Asked them to bring down photo albums of 1995’s trips to Europe. They asked you to put together the bills you’ve gotten. Sigh. 

Use it, Atreyu. No matter how much of a failure you feel like in so many aspects of your life… find that balance that you need to get past it. Fight off Ennui. Fight off Anger. Fight off Frustration. Fight off Depression. Fight off Guilt. Fight off Boredom. Fight off Procrastination. Fight off Disappointment. 

Fight off everything between you and where He wants to lead you…

Find balance…

Find vibrance…

Find yourself…

(Insert Smile Emoji because PC interface is weird…) 

 

You really need to cheer up. Waiting on the Mayo Clinic and a half a dozen other things that you really need taken care of is taking it’s toll. It’s just a mood, fortunately, negativity of not feeling like you’re making any progress, along with being stupid enough to stay on social media more than just long enough to see if we are at war with anyone.

Celt might return today. She says she wants to but you never know with her and plans. You really need to accomplish something, no matter how pointless. 

Haven’t done much seeking wisdom besides praying and reading as much as you can of Ezra before it stops Making sense. Reading it is tough without your friends at study to bounce it off of. Separate research helps but that’s like just Reading the cliff notes instead of using them the way they’re actually supposed to be used.

Breaking cycles is tough. Has to be done though, if you ever hope to find a better place you want to find. You have finally gotten to the point where you hate it when you fall asleep without the mask on. So give yourself a little credit. There used to be no way on earth you would wear that thing unless you went on a trip and we’re going to keep someone awake with your snoring. 

Pure, absolute stupidity. You didn’t care what it was doing to you because you just didn’t like it and that was that. There’s just no other way around it. Thank God the damage is reversible; You just hope and pray you’ll have a chance to have the answers you need from Jacksonville to be able to plan the next part of your life, so you know what you’re up against. 

Learn from your mistakes. Admit them, learn from them, and take action. Otherwise, you have no one to blame but yourself. You don’t know how you’re going to get a normal sleeping schedule, so it’s time to channel your inner MacGyver and find a way.

Probably put some junk on the couch and the recliner just to keep you from getting comfortable in them during long afternoons so you don’t fall asleep and snore your brain away.

Seek wisdom, accept it, and do something with it. You’ve got to start being good at all three. It’s not rocket surgery. Make it happen.

He loves making you wait, doesn’t He? Lol Probably not, it’s just good for you. Impatient American. When you read history books they generalize a period between, say, 1610 and 1620.

While when you live through Something rough that involves a lot of waiting, time seems to stand still.

Three months ago almost no one had heard of coronavirus. Three months doesn’t seem like a long time. Fascinating.

Wait and be patient. Anger doesn’t disappear even when vented. Grace doesn’t just appear because you’ve decided you need it. As amusing as it seems it’s almost beneficial for you to be the serial procrastinator that you tend to be because procrastination just might be evidence of someone with more resolve for waiting…

Whatever you’re totally making that up because you’re trying to put a  spin on it. Screw it, this is your blog and you’re going with it. Cash that in for something positive for once. 😂

He’s here all right. All the buildup though followed by the disappointment of  nothing changing.  fascinating because that’s actually what the book of Ezra was all about.

You learned that last night, but you didn’t actually figure it out  until just now. Meta points within points. All illustrated directly to you in your life. When you actually can sit down and focus enough to read it it is amazing how it comes to life within your life.

Just some thoughts. You have stayed up with Flame watching Futurama episodes together while texting the last few nights. She’s never seen it before.

Be patient for the mayo clinic too. Waiting for the scheduling, which is done by triage so they have a review process and might get to tell you “we’re not going to help you overcome this beast of a problem that is sidelining your entire life.”

Which is probably going to be the answer for various reasons; most notably because it’s about time for you to actually have to go through something again. It’s alright. You can take it. Someone else might need that help more. Find a way through.

High hopes, dashed. Again. Just like when they tried to rebuild the temple, and all the usual suspects jumped on the way to stop them in the form of their own hubris.

It’s alright. You are no stranger to waiting for things you desperately hope for, or disappointment. Find some purpose though… that’s what you need most of all right now.

Sleep well. Tomorrow will be the next part of the waiting and my goodness you don’t want to miss that… 😂



I reach out to Him in prayer for you.  prayer for you to feel His warmth. His peace. His love. Mine falls short. I am nothing without Him and yet I tried to speak for him to you in arrogance.

What I thought was the story of rebuilding the temple is the story of high expectations followed by disappointment because of the self-righteousness and lethargy of those who would rebuild what had been destroyed.

The meaning escapes me other than That this new heart will fail if I do not let Him fill it with His grace.

I failed you Because I left my desire for you come before His wishes. His wishes are for you to be happy. At peace. Your wounds healed by building up on the foundation your father placed within you.

You rightfully lost respect for me when I forgot His wishes and substituted my own.

I don’t know what my path is now. But it must be the one He sets out for me, or I will continue to fail.

I must find what I have lost, and what I have continued to lose far longer than you’ve known me.

Warmth filled my heart. I tried to send some to you. Only you know if I succeeded.

I didn’t ask Him for answers, only for Him to be with me as I sought to understand a tiny piece of the world around us.

You are sacred to me.  I need you to have peace. Love. Warmth. I have tied my life to yours. I didn’t know what I was getting into. But in that I have no regrets. 🙂

He loves you and so do I. I don’t know what anything means right now. I don’t know if He wants me to move on without you in my life, but if He does, then it is needed for you to have what I have wanted you to have since the day I met you.

Forgive me for the wrongs I’ve done by you. For letting my selfishness get in the way. For me wanting you for myself.

For now, I cause discord in your life when what I want for you is peace and happiness. I told you I would never leave unless I became the source of problems for you. By your words even tonight I have been. 

I don’t know what that means. Other than the path I must choose is the one He leads me on – not the one I would choose for myself.

Close your eyes and feel His warmth; I see your smile in my mind and ignorantly try to send it through my own heart.

Tonight. Tomorrow. And as long as it continues to beat. 

Gnite, Jenn 🙂

Rest, good sir. Rest. After a lifetime upon the waves of trials and tribulations on earth, and a lifetime well lived.

I know nothing of you, your causes, your passions, or your loves. Only a single beautiful poem that spoke to my soul. Yet I can feel your weariness as surely as I can smell the salt in the air stirred up by your words.

It moves me. Me an author that never refers to myself in the first person in these thoughts because they are most often spoken to myself; but tonight is different.

As are the causes that are stirred by these beautiful words. Words that I may have cherished in a former life, but now do not describe me.

I have not yet lived a life worthy of rest. I have not yet accomplished anything I have set out to do with it. And the fanciful dreams of the younger dreamer I once was I discover each day more to be fantasy, as I grow in age and hopefully wisdom.

Nor one day do I wish to seek rest at the endless blue horizon of this world of mundanity and banality, floating an essay of spirituality and possibility. I want to go home.

But not before living a life worth being given the honor of rest. In causes far less grandiose then I had once imagined, what causes that were true nonetheless. But even the smallest cause that is true…is worthy.

Rest, good sir. You stand relieved.

***

Macanudos Up. Give honor where it is due. A simple and humble man you never knew, and yet who could have taught you much about humility and grace.  You’re pretty sure he had an easier time admitting to his flaws than you did. And yet that one tale of racism ending with him loving his first grandson instantly. Truly a story of amazing beauty.

Poetry is a wonderful expression of meaning. You’ve tried your hand at it along with two semesters and a brilliant professor, but find comfort in admitting that as with most artistic endeavors, your talents lie mostly in appreciation rather than creation.

You don’t know why you saved this poem while searching for ‘blog-worthy material’. It’s beautiful and romantic but it does not speak to your desires in anyway but one – a desire to have had a life well lived.

Which to you means… having had a purpose. Even if it means only making a single person that purpose.

You’ve known this was going to be a crossroads year for you since it’s inception. Turns out, yes! A crossroads year for you and 7 1/2 billion of God’s other children as well.

You pray all the time but it’s actually been a while since you had a discussion. Now’s a good time. You feel love in your new heart burning away negativity of stress. You’re dead tired and haven’t had meaningful sleep in about two days, but it’s time. 🙂

Lol maybe it’s the heavy eyes and giddy humor that are helping. 🤔

In a few hours you’ll rest for the evening and wake up with a busy Monday confronting you. That’ll be good for you. When you really stop and think about it you have lost so much of yourself recently, and deep down her felt it.

When was the last time you truly felt like yourself? The answer actually terrifies you. Lessons you learned you learned really hard, but as you look back at them the reason seems more and more… that while you did need to learn them… You may have damaged yourself in the process… and carried wounds for longer than you needed to.

Maybe…  oh wow… The addiction of seeing oneself as a Martyr for the cause of humility? Well there’s not much actually humble about that.

But if you have spent 15 years for the sake of wallowing in guilt to assuage it… that’s stupid. And yeah if you’re right that might be exactly what you have been doing for so long. Substituting one hidden ego trip for an advertised one.

And if that’s what you actually did that’s the best case scenario. 🤣

Dammit you love the past so much. Especially your own. You love acting like you’re wise. Believing it. And soon needing to believe it to maintain a world you may have constructed.

You need to be able to criticize yourself and that’s one thing you haven’t had a problem with. But could that itself feed your ego?

Vices and vulnerabilities don’t vanish; we duel them all our lives. And at this crossroads, you stand at the beginning of something you wish to be beautiful. And you stand in fear, needing it to be so because you have already wasted so much time.

Stop dwelling on the past. The lessons you have learned you had to learn. And each and every day you are in the midst of at least one more and don’t even realize it.

So take heart. A new beginning is approaching. Prefaced by some difficult times. Let the weary sailor rest. As you have rested for long enough.

Tomorrow morning is the youngest you’ll ever be. Let’s do it right. Let Him guide you, not your ego using guilt as a vehicle. 

So what path will you take tonight? Not Proverbs. Too practical. Psalms? Too poetic. Ezra. You won’t understand much. But you will grasp something, and that something will lead you to thought and the thought well let you to prayer.

Macanudo. Ezra. Holy Spirit. But hold the fire pit; just a bit too warm out. So…tiny fire. Citronella. 🙂



It’s a good night. Fill yourself with vibrance beneath a starry sky. And then close your eyes and Will the warmth to another spirit whom you love and cherish. You don’t know what that means. But you feel… she somehow will.