Surrounded on all sides by modernity and mundanity. Electrical lights and central air conditioning. Refrigerated  fruits and oven-baked meats. All maintained by exchanging labor for revenue. Division of labor. Goods and services.  Nothing has changed in thousands of years. 

Torch light and open windows. Salt-preserved foods in a pot over an open flame. Gathered either first-hand or second-hand.

Modern miracles. All the things that trick us into believing things are so different. So many fixated on the banality of existence. Obsession with what they believe is the Real because they can see it with their eyes and feel it with their hands. Because everyone’s brain seems to process the same way. Is the color Red you see the same as the Red someone else does? Most likely yes. Can you be certain? Most likely no.

What is our slice of perceived reality in an endless sea of possibility? For so many of us know that on the other side of this mundane place are realms of unimagined vastness that the mind of a slightly evolved ape is ill suited to seek to comprehend. And yet the stubbornness of so many of us demands that this unimaginable vastness conform to what we wish, seeking to fill our desires.

Surely there must be a way of cobbling together an understanding of this vastness in such a way to permit us to be the center of the universe as we are. Surely there is a way we can come up with our own path that makes things so easy. That asks nothing of us. Something tailor-made to our will. After all we were given the ability to comprehend concepts like infinity; why not use our imaginations to craft our own realities the way we harness electricity and the atom to reinvent modernity and mundanity?

Because at the end of the day… We delude ourselves. The reality we craft is nothing more then a reinvention of modernity and mundanity. Because it is crafted by us. Flawed evolved apes just conscious enough to reach out into a world of vastness that we can perceive, and then convince ourselves we can master like we did electricity in the atom.

Ironic that this is borne from the philosophy of Socrates “all I know is I know nothing”. There are so many things we know deep down that we choose to ignore, or we choose to fight. Things about the universe we don’t like because it fails to cater to what we want. And we disbelieve what we wish by hiding behind our own ignorance and wishing something was not so.

What kind of greater reality of universal truth all comes together to makes sense in the mind of a flawed, finite creature? There can be only one answer. Delusion.

What is at the center of a black hole? Surely there must be an answer. An exit to another dimension through a white hole? A place outside of time and space that slowly degrades into nothingness? There must be an answer and science will show us the way. If not now, one day. Our faith in our own magnificence is amusing. As we claw away at the secrets of the universe we forget how we are able to learn what we learn. We give credit to ourselves so easily, and forget so quickly that on the time scale of the universe that it was merely in the blink of an eye since we lived in caves. 

This world means so much to us. And yet instinctively we know how mundane it truly is. We sense, in primitive in vague terms, slivers of the worlds around us and demand that they fit into the world we create for them; in the world of electricity and frozen pizza. And when the worlds around us fail to conform to our desire to control them, the only result can be anger. Frustration at the arrogant infinity for not conforming to the box we create at the center of our lives.

And that anger begins to consume us. We begin to be disjointed deep within, as our connections to greater realms becomes incompatible with our concerns about finite money and fleeting happiness. And then we can’t even approach those things in our material life without that the sense of being disjoined and the anger that comes with it.

We become so very comfortable with anger. A sense of need for the importance we feel it gives us. The desire to control our lives because surely we are the ones most equipped to navigate through the sea of vastness and create broken spectacles for ourselves to see it through.

The faster we come to anger, the more uncomfortable we are with our place in the infinity of existence. And then we find we are uncomfortable with our place in the finite world of mundanity, because at the root of our anger is that we are uncomfortable with our place within ourselves. What we know about ourselves chews at our consciousness and as we fight against it we shield ourselves with lies and denials.

So what is the path through not just ourselves; not just our mundane lives of living to buy food for our bellies and mortgages for our shelter; but through the greater realms of existence that we know we know are there, but cannot comprehend? The answer is as simple as it is incomprehensible: Trust.

Trust. In what we know that loves us.

Trust. In what we know has our best interests at heart, even when we don’t understand.

Trust. That we are so much more than our flesh and blood that this life is such a tiny and minuscule part of the vast infinity of existence.

Anger in and of itself is the source of nothing but the disastrous effects it inevitably has on our lives. It is a side effect of us failing to trust that there is a purpose for all things. Incomprehensibly complex and simple at the same time.

Feeling and being. How do we align them from their naturally opposing places? 

With Trust. Not in ourselves. In More.



Life has conquered Death.

Our Father who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy Name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, On earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever.

Amen.

https://www.charlestoncitypaper.com/Eat/archives/2020/04/10/the-griffon-pulled-dollar-bills-off-its-walls-to-pay-employees-amid-closure

Good people do good for their people. More than a few of your old dollars adorn the walls of the Griffon in Downtown Charleston, though it’s been over a decade since you’ve stopped by.

When all is said and done, this virus will be revealed to be nothing more than a Tough Time you will have to get through. You will come through it stronger together in the Holy City. You’ve collectively seen worse. 

Some redecoration will be in order. Get better yourself so you can help out. Well, so you can get a good place in line, lolz. Good people do good for their people. And a business that strips their iconic look not to pay their own bills but to pay their employees?

Them’s good people.  

 

 

 

 

Blue sky, 70°, nice breeze. Some Out was needed. Downtown seemed appropriate. Some other people walking; not nearly enough for anyone to be anywhere near you. Kept hands to self; sanitized liberally just in case. Walked around for a nice good hour. A few others doing the same. God forbid people be wise enough to act responsibly and still enjoy their freedom.

While driving home passed a homeless lady outside the market with a sign asking for anything. Drove around the block and put your last $5 bill in an envelope from the glove compartment after emptying the contents, scratching out “Tahoe registration”  and writing “To Him be the Glory” so you could slide it through the slit in the car window to give her. You’ll be okay.  Pay it forward.

You like helping the homeless. First night of Dragoncon every year involves getting a little toasty with Rum and going off into the streets of downtown Atlanta and meeting some of the homeless people attracted by all the Con goers. You talk to them. Ask them their stories. Buy a few meals at Metro Café. You’re not arrogant enough to claim you understand their world, but so long as you don’t have a family to take care of, if God sent you there to help them it still wouldn’t be as scary as being a missionary in China. What you have is His anyway; if He wants it back He’s taking it, lol…

In this city though, neighbors come together to help each other out here. You face hurricanes often enough to understand emergencies, how to work together and how to be responsible. You don’t need to be forced to be smart or conscientious. There is so little fear… because people generally choose wisdom in this genteel town.

Doesn’t change who you are though…Parks are closed – to people too stupid to walk within 10 feet of someone else. 😊

People from your city start wars when they get cranky. Done it twice. Good and passionate; gentlemanly yet rebellious; charitable yet fiercely independent.

This virus is just another chapter in its long history, and This Too Shall Pass.

This is the day horrendous things were done to Jesus as he sacrificed all for jackasses like you. Things that had to happen. Yet another one of those things that you understand intuitively but could never explain.  The way it always is, lol 😂

Flame is discouraged again; chances are everybody’s going a little nutty being cooped up inside. Not much you can do though. Some of your other friends want to get together tomorrow for a yard party where the different groups all stay apart in the back yard and presumably bring your own food. Still can’t find masks or else you think you might go. All good though. Catching this thing doesn’t bother you nearly as much as accidentally giving it to someone else.

Death isn’t really something you fear; at least right now. Why? It’s not ennui this time; you just don’t feel like you have a purpose anymore. Until you can find one. No kids; only mom & dad. Just being a North Carolina fan. Nah, scratch that; need a better term. Go Tigers. #Macguyvering

2020 is still the year of vibrance for you. Something great to seek. It just fills you with warmth. Peace. Even in turbulent times like this. Things are going to be fine. If not today then soon. If not soon then eventually.

Encephalitis could’ve put you in a wheelchair at 16. Be so thankful you can walk. 🙂

For every stroll downtown without a cigar, be thankful that you know what you’re missing.

For every cloud, there is a silver lining.

For every Good Friday there is an Easter.

For every day of darkness, a day of vibrance.

 A pretty good Friday…

Be mindful of your surroundings. The nature of the worlds around you. Let peacefulness soothe anger like the tide of a placid ocean calmly washing away waters boiled for no purpose. Resolution matters, but without it there is no room for anger without the heat damaging the framework of our lives. If anger does not lead to resolution, it serves no purpose but to weaken us. Like a well-prescribed cure, it has no place other than resolution to an ailment. Past that use, it only brings harm. Feel the calming of the tides. The Etherealness of the worlds that surround us. We are within them, and they within us. One, easy to latch onto and continue spiraling within; the other, more difficult to reach, but far more satisfying once so.

The more healthy, more difficult path…as is with all things dealing with the mind, body, and soul…

 

Has it always been this enjoyable to walk? Well, yeah. More. Many years ago when you lived downtown. Surrounded all sides by 300 years of history. Walking down to Market Street to pick up a cigar for the evening; getting two so you had something to enjoy on your way home. Walking on the same streets men carried muskets down while heading to brothels. 

Of course back then the port itself what is a bunch of long rickety docks right downtown where Waterfront Park is today. Good old Waterfront. How many times did you repeat the mistake of taking the girl on the first date there? It was a great place for that, but none of those went anywhere; it had to be the park, lolz

Very early 2000’s. You were so different back then. Not personality-wise; that’s always been fairly constant ever since high school when you finally realized the scarring on your face had become hardly noticeable anymore and you were actually somewhat attractive. Of course this was back before the nerds won the Great Nerd/Jock War of the late 20th century.

Managed to play both sides of that one but you didn’t choose cross-country over the debate team. Was more you, though both were fun. You actually were pretty good on the Debate Team for a beginner, but you just keep gravitating towards macro rather than micro. Preferred cooperation to confrontation. The two activities and we’re both the same thing in that regards but cross country just seemed less so. And muscle aches were easier to get past than headaches.

Walking is a relaxing and good first step, though right now you’re gonna have to start spraying your hair down to keep it out of your eyes. Really getting long. You’ve actually considered growing along for the first time ever just because you never have had the opportunity to. Colonial maybe. Lol this virus is going to turn us all into hipsters. 

Trying to avoid news today again. What was once then a torrent of positivity flowing through your life had become a trickle. A lot of reasons behind it and most of them environmental. Self-Discipline Has never been a strength of yours sadly. It is so easy to just take a nap and risking the brain damage worsening. While your only significant accomplishment In self-discipline – the 17 years – was nothing short of amazing in retrospect, much of it stemmed from simply avoiding putting yourself in those situations, and for far too long the toxicity of pornography; something you’re gonna have to claw your way out of again now.

The only observation that can be made from that is that there are good and bad ways of dealing with self discipline issues. 

And for better or worse now is a different time. You feel very sorry for Flame. She is trapped and in love with you. Sees you as a savior, the poor thing. Ever since she walked back in your life you picked up right where you left off encouraging her to be independent. Have a car, have a job, have a social life outside of her family and people she meets singing songs with on Smule. Poor girl is still 16 years old in her head.

You were in the midst of that encouragement when she left. That’s just not who she is despite how much she Says she wants to be. Bottom line is right now trying to inspire others is the one thing that gives you so much meaning in life, but apparently you suck at it.

No reason to let it bother you; it is what it is. If you had a better relationship with God you’d probably be a little better at it, but you can’t do anything about the decisions other people make, and you are far better channeling that desire into something that allows you to help others achieve their dreams. At least then they’d be invested also. 

Back in the early 2000s you wanted more than anything to be a financial aid counselor at the College of Charleston. Help kids go to school Who couldn’t afford it in such a way they weren’t screwed afterwards. Thanks for the way that industry has gone, that career is as dead as being a loan officer at a bank. FICO can go die in a fire. 

Fascinating how the entire world fell apart just after yours did. You still have the brain damage to work out, and medicine really doesn’t care about that right now. This isn’t just a “before and after moment” in your life it’s one for the whole world.

Take heart in your intentions in this life, but only that. Intentions are meaningless in the long run without results for anything but inspiration. And Inspiration in the long run is meaningless without self-discipline.

Energy. You need energy. And not just for five hours. The good news is… though maybe it’s arrogance… you’ve always felt the future will be brighter. Seek Wisdom and you might just be right.

Wednesday thoughts…

Most likely 1986. 86 or 88, one of the two. North Carolina Tar Heels at Clemson Tigers. One of the games you and Dad made it to. Might have been with Earle, maybe not.  You were young; either 9 or 11, and it was a nice November day.

A big crowd is there always was for a Tigers game. 85,000, something like that. You remember the atmosphere; it never changed, despite all though ups and downs the Tigers went through over the years, from the time they We’re out of boiled peanuts at halftime to the time Mike Eppley was safetied in the end zone to give Carolina a one point win to the time they first installed Wi-Fi in the stadium and you could keep track of the stats at your leisure.

The atmosphere never changed. It was always fun, always festive, always stressful, but what you always found was fascinating was when you were near a fan of the opposing team. Takes a special kind of interesting person to go to an away game when you’re not favored to win. Surrounded by the other teams fans there’s a limit on how rowdy you can get. And yet on a few occasions you have someone that’s that special kind of rowdy… 🤣

Then sometimes it’s like 1986 and you have that pair of North Carolina fans that sat in the row behind you just a few seats over to your right. Dad was on your left and something happened that went Clemson’s way. May have been an interception for a touchdown. Doesn’t matter.

The crowd went wild and there was so much sound from that loudness. You heard the North Carolina fan closest to you yelling in disgust but you couldn’t make out what he said. Dad heard, and shot the guy a mean glance. Maybe someone else in the crowd did too. 

The guy leaned into you with a smile on his face and said “I’m sorry, kid; I shouldn’t have said that. Don’t say things like that.” You hadn’t even heard what he said, so you just said “OK” and went back to watching the game.

Well it’s been an awful long time since then and of all the memories you have when you were a child,  well more accurately put… of the few memories you still have from when you were a child… that’s one.

You remember Clemson won the game, and it was a nice day, and what the guy said. Why on earth would you remember that? Why wouldn’t remember the first time you kissed Kelly Jacobs? Why wouldn’t you remember one of a million other things that it makes more sense to remember?

Took you long time to figure it out. But when you did this simple, virtually meaningless moment  you thought of one day in the context of mortality itself.

You’re gonna be dead in 50 years. Sorry to burst your bubble, lolz. so many other people are leaving behind legacies. Many are leaving behind kids. Who will grow up and leave behind kids of their own. What will you leave behind?

I mean you not being here anymore will matter to someone, at least for a little while… until they die. Then at a certain point, everyone who you actually we’re on a first name basis with will be gone. What then?

Name 10 people from the 15th century. If you thought about it you could do it but the challenge alone illustrates the point. If you don’t leave behind children what could you leave? What could you do that will impact the world in the years if not centuries to come?

You have no idea if that North Carolina fan is still even alive today 34 years later. Chances are no one else around that heard or saw what he said to you remembers it. Just you.

Just two human beings with probably a little in common sharing one temporary moment out of billions each will have and for some reason you remember.

And it had a tiny, minuscule effect on you. A belief that you held thanks to mom and dad was reinforced. Watch your language and apologize when you’re wrong.

You already knew this. But there was that affect that changed your life in the tiniest way – being a part of the environment around you that shaped you.

You help shape the environments of everyone that you interact with. And they yours. It might be in the smallest way, but you change someone’s life anytime you interact with them.

That’s what you leave behind. And the sum of the interactions each person has in their life helps shape them, and so on and so forth.

And you have the choice. The choice of whether to try to pass on goodness, happiness, positivity, and love… or not.

You help shape the environments of others, as they help shape yours.

Be mindful of what you leave behind, and take comfort that if you see goodness in this life, it’s because others passed down moments of positivity all throughout the centuries.

What kind of environment do you want to have for yourself? But more importantly, what are you going to leave behind, Atreyu?

 Choose well…

Her left hand…. 🥺

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. But now I have to acknowledge reality.

The only way sending pics of you like that hurts someone is if you know they truly love you.

And you use that love to hurt them.

It’s not just mean-spirited, but abusive. I was just upset. I didn’t deserve that.

Blocking you wasn’t an easy decision, but I decided last year if you ever did that again that’s what I’d have to do. I couldn’t even let myself think about it. There aren’t many more hurtful things you could do to me.

I need to regain respect for myself. I need to come to terms with the mistakes I’ve made and the best way to do that is to stop making them. With you, with Flame, wherever I know better.

Everything I said this morning I meant… but it was wrong. The timing was horrible, and that’s on me.  I handled it first with alcohol and then reacted out of anger. That was wrong.

Maybe we’re all going crazy with all that’s going on. I have no idea what even prompted me to get hammered and lash out. But what’s said was said.

I’m sorry I upset you. And so many things.

My caring isn’t helping; it’s hurting, so… it’s time. If it was just me being hurt, it would be different. It’s not. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is if I’m causing problems for you.

Please stay safe and take care of yourself sweetie. Words can’t describe how much I care about you.

I’m sorry that I gave you my word when I said I would always be there for you. That’s just not possible; at least right now. I’m no good to you if my feelings to you get negative, and that’s started to happen.

I would never even try to hurt someone I hated that way. No, not even him. I never imagined you would hurt me that way a second time.

Don’t ever think that I don’t miss you and wish with all my heart I’d handled the last two days differently.

Orson 🌷

Where have you gone?