Healing

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding;

in all your ways know him, and he will make your paths straight.

Don’t be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil.

This will be healing for your body and strengthening for your bones.”

Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭5‬-‭8‬ ‭CSB‬‬

Love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part,

but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 4-13

Half Full

You loved it. Her passion was just the beginning. Simple fact is you felt whole with her. Being part of her. Looking up at her powerfully making love to you. In bed. On the couch. By a roaring fire like you’re beside now. It felt… sacred with her. It wasn’t sex. It was so much more. Spiritual was just the beginning. How she enthralled you so effortlessly. Claimed pleasure from you so majestically while teaching you the meaning of fulfillment.

Every single time it was like every ounce of pain you had ever known was meaningless when she looked into your eyes moaning your name.

So powerful. Elegant. You could not believe you had found her. A lifetime of waiting for she who entranced your body, mind, and soul.

You never got used to her taking you inside her completely, as if you were a couple desperate to have a child together. It was like you couldn’t believe it was happening. Every. Single. Night. Day. Whenever. Because you had found the only woman.

Did she ever realize what that meant to you? What you were risking in the back of your mind? Either you were full of it all these years, or you were willing – knowing the risk she explicitly explained to you – to face the same specter of the literal greatest fear that injured you so long ago.

For her. Because she was her. Even now your body pines for hers, along with your mind and soul. Probably always will.

Until the day you die, you will know you were meant for her. You felt sure before you experienced bliss of being with her. After? No choice in the matter.

You wanted her to be your Guinevere, but she chose to be your Blanche Fleur. The only positive way to see that on a ‘chilly by southern standards night’ is that the pressure is off.

Whoever you find in the future will sing to you in some way you can’t imagine now. Life has already thrown you a curve ball or two since then. Maybe you’ve learned something; maybe not. Time will tell.

Yeah, sure it would be great if you could forget how happy you were. But when you really think about it in the grand scheme, why on earth would you want to?

As positive as you are, there is no reason to forget the happiness you had. The completeness of becoming one with someone who was literally your other half.

Who knows… maybe you’re wrong., and the best is yet to come. But if you aren’t? You got to experience true completeness on a level very few will ever know in this life.

The glass is half full… and always will be.

Thank God for the Joy your heart has. No matter what… It couldn’t come from anywhere else.🕊

Goodbye 2022

It taught. It took. It tormented.

You’re still here. You’re still you. Wounded, yet with a smile, facing fear, uncertainty, and adversity.

Where would you be without Jesus?

Dead – in every way that matters. If not worse.

2023 will not be 2022. Could be worse. But… could be a whole lot better. 🐬

Thanks for the lessons. Latest wounds to recover from that have made you who you are today.

Because… you like you. 🙂

And so does God. Thank God. 🕊

The Basics

It didn’t feel like Christmastime. Didn’t feel like it would ever feel like Christmastime again. Didn’t feel like watching the movies or specials. Didn’t feel like putting the decorations on the tree to make mom happy since she doesn’t have a grandchild to spoil. Didn’t feel like having all that wonderful food. Sure didn’t feel like getting presents. Didn’t even feel like shopping for presents.

This year it was watching the nativity story and the 11pm service at church online as the folks went to sleep.

And when you got it through your head that every last one of your problems were merely of this world thanks to Christ, and focus on celebrating His birth…

…Christmas magically appeared.

The faster you can get over yourself and just focus on Jesus, the better things are just going to be.

Goodness knows it’s tough. You have Jesus in your heart and you keep stumbling. Making your problems yours as if you’re better at dealing with them than God is.

Keep working on it. Understand that you probably always will be – and that’s fine. Be grateful that you don’t have to understand why. You just understand.

On the way home, you thought about the sweet dog you saved with her a year ago. Such a good memory. And you’ll always have it with you. There’s room for that.

Just don’t forget where gentleness, kindness and love come from. Focus more on that – Him – and less on yourself.

The only thing you can do about not having what has filled you with happiness in the past… is finding what will fill you with happiness in the future.

Easier said than done. Rampant change surrounds you. Okay. And just like last year this time… you don’t mind… 🕊🐬🫡

Next Chapter

Boss dissolving everything, divvying up company and starting fresh. Other guy got what was once going to be the next million dollar company. Good move. Lots of experience and plenty of drive. Doubtful anything can be scavenged, but you’ll benefit from extra work if it can be.

As for you, you get the store. Made sense; you’re the one that always pushed for it. Only question is whether or not you can transfer the whole thing or if you have to start over again. Reenter everything. Either way the whole thing’s in your garage now. It’s gonna take a lot of effort just to configure it to get the car in if you had to in an emergency now. Sucks. Miss being able to park inside. Back room is an office just like you always thought about making it.

It’s partly terrifying. Just what you need while dealing with depression; more time spent in the house. You’re going to find out how much you miss the drive to work. Based on your tendencies, your sleep schedule is gonna get all screwed up too unless you really focus.

It doesn’t feel like Christmas. Because Christmas will not feel like Christmas for a long time. What you would give to be living in December 2021 for the rest of your life. Just that feeling. Finally. Of sharing it with someone that could one day be part of a family of your own. You’ve gotten past likely never playing Santa for your kids. You don’t even want to watch Clark Griswold. His dad passing the night before Christmas storyteller torch. Always wanted that. Will never have it.

If you weren’t just a really positive person, you’d really be screwed up right now. But Christ’s joy is inside and that’s what matters. Unsuccessful $2k vet bill, notwithstanding. Came along right at a time when you got a $1500 bonus, so, His timing is simply a reminder.

Bottom line now as you are a business owner. Full-on with a bank account with $25 in it to start with. Lots of free inventory and supplies though. Who knows what might happen with what’s left of the crypto company. It wasn’t the crypto market that crashed the customer; it was the economy and OpEx. Not much you can do about that. People will just never learn, no matter how long they vote Democrat. It’s the economy, stupid.

Enough. You’re getting this out. All kinds of frustrations that you’ll be past soon enough. It’s an amazing exercising dealing with frustration… metaphorically writing letters (or drafts) and not sending them. Purges the anger, evening out your thoughts, so you can reevaluate whether or not you need to be so frustrated to begin with.

Probably doesn’t help everyone . Helps you though.

Even though everything went down in flames, everyone else is really excited about the directions things are going at work. Entrepreneurs. Seeing opportunity when everything falls apart. It’s gonna take you a while to adjust to that, but here you are actually not freaking out like you used to when faced with potentially not having a job.

Your basic needs are met with the store. There’s no real reason to rake in profit; profit will be the time that you can spend doing other things to get revenue in from other streams.

Such a different way of looking at things. If you can put together a plan and raise a little capital, you might be able to do the nonprofit food desert thing. Sky is the limit.

Even now.

God really is trying to help you take your mind off last year, seems like. 26 days since Bill went home. God’s probably already sent him to someone else who needs him though. It’s not like you’re not gonna see him again.

Lived by yourself for almost 20 years, but you’ve never felt as alone as you are now. Ted notices the sniffling and meows. Your own cat, making a fool of you, lolz…

Wouldn’t be the first time. Still breaking out crying every once in a while like a schoolgirl. His little box is coming home tomorrow. And just like that you can’t speak without choking up. 😭

It’ll be alright. He was there when you needed him. You’re beginning the next chapter. So much to be grateful for.