Can’t listen at high volume without tearing up. A few hymns are getting that way. Can’t hear them in church with the booming organ without them hitting you hard – in a good way.
Tomorrow is going to be hard.
There are so many other concerns you have going on now to take your mind off it. Maybe that’s for the best.
When you call out in despair, He always hears. Psalms 55.
Been filling your heart with the spirit on occasion when sadness and fear drive you to that point. Music gets loud. Feels so good. Deep breaths push out of the lungs and you feel embraced by the Holy Spirit.
He’s not going to solve any problem for you. That’s your job. But through trusting in Him you can meet any challenge.
So trust Him. Breathe it in. Understand things as they are. Miss the way they were a year ago. But take comfort also in that the year before that? Was December 2020. Things can fall apart in a year. But wow can they also be put together in one also.
Hymns. By the fire. With Ted. Feels rejuvenating. Do more. Feel more. Heal more. It’s alright. Finish the year out strong as best you can.
Tomorrow will be brighter. At least one of them will. 🙂
that you’re a bit dented when it comes to positivity. It’s gonna be really up and down for a little while.
Worst night of the week every week. One week after losing the “familiar”. A dear friend sent a consolation gift. You know just where it goes.
A whole week. It doesn’t seem that long because of all of the concerns regarding work. Moving the store to your house isn’t what you want, but the current path is probably just not working. Lots of work coming up and various ways you could go about it. A whole lot of decisions are going to need to be made even including whether or not it’s best to just find something else for the time being and help in your spare time.
Now is really not the best time to ask for more money, but honestly, you’re really kind of sick of being where you are, and you need to level up if you’re gonna start dating again.
Question is what direction that entails. Figures the freaking government would make everything more difficult to operate a nonprofit to help people, than a business. You understand why for obvious reasons, but that doesn’t help much right now.
What would help? What would help would be the last year being a bad dream. What you would give for it to be December 2021 again. If anyone asks you what you want for Christmas, it’s to wake up with the woman you were born to love in your arms, infinite hope on the horizon at work, your folks healthier and in less pain, and your furry little BroCat by your side.
But here you are. And because it’s you, you’re literally bored of being sad. A dear friend’s gift in memory of Dabillbill will decorate one of your windows until you no longer own this house, via sale or death.
Now another log.
That’s the weird thing about it all. There’s literally no reason you need to be positive tonight. None. Every concern you have had has gotten worse. Your family’s health. The company you’ve been working to build. The pain of loss. The feeling of loneliness every Friday night you hate.
And yet here you are listening to a song about inspiration and creativity.
And it’s okay that it’s Enya. At 45 you decided to check all of the stuff and it turns out despite your fears, your T count was actually abnormally high. You weren’t really expecting that considering how all the commercials made it out to be. But whatever. Enya it is, because it’s beautiful music and upbeat, and you have nothing to prove… lolz…
And honestly, you’re just bored and tired of being hurt and sad.
The truth of the matter is… The little guy was a gift from God when you really needed it. And now God has made the emphatic statement that you don’t need him anymore.
Two kinds of cancer, distended stomach, and damage to lymph nodes? All that? Yeah, you weren’t supposed to try to move heaven and earth to keep him. It was time for him to go home so plainly, and obviously even you could understand. If God gives you a gift when you really need it… and takes it away? There’s only one logical conclusion. Someone else needs him more.
Ted is acting a little different. It’s one of those things you wouldn’t be able to understand without remembering the North Carolina Fan. What has been lost has only made its mark on you.
There’s so much more. Just so much more.
But you have exceeded your ability to hurt this week. So enjoy the fire. Enjoy who you really are deep down. Enjoy the fact that you just are not going to hurt at a certain point no matter how much you miss a year ago this week.
At least on this Friday night.
it is absolutely mind boggling to you that people can’t understand just what having Jesus in your heart fortifies you against.
Sure, your problems are nothing compared to some others out there. But pain is pain and all things are relative. What is another person’s pain compared to the pain of someone watching their child starve in Sudan? Nothing.
So don’t beat yourself up over crying about missing your BroCat. Pain is pain and screw anyone who doesn’t get it.
And then take Caribbean Blue at 1:56 to feel warmth at the love in your heart that has been reinforced by the Creator of Heaven and Earth.
Hey, you get to be afraid tomorrow. That means you don’t have to be afraid tonight. Enjoy the warmth. Enjoy the fire. Feel free to miss December 2021. You will for a few weeks, and that’s okay.
God has made you the man that you are. And he has made you this way for a reason. It sure isn’t the reason you thought it would be a year ago.
And you still have absolutely no idea what I you are meant for.
But enough. Just… enough.
Be grateful for all the blessings you have been given. Make sure Ted knows how loved she is. Enjoy the music and the fire tonight. And know that with God in your corner, literally there is no need for fear.
So You want him back. Swollen lymph nodes, distended stomach, and two different kinds of cancer. Liver and colon.
Really. You had to do all that to this little guy? He gets it. You can tell from his demeanor he’s wondering why he came home. Paid for extra pain medicine to give him two more days without hurting. Vet assured the pain would not be that bad over the holiday and you’ll take him for the last time Friday.
He can’t keep food down. But he’s gonna eat whatever he wants. It’s nothing you can’t clean up.
God knows how you are. How else would this have gone down? Four life-threatening problems. Because you would keep fighting if it was only one. The point has to be made to you. And it will be – over the next day and a half.
Doing a full 180 from how wonderful last Thanksgiving was but at the very least your thoughts will be elsewhere.
Whatever he was sent to be for you, he’s done his job and it’s time for Home. You’ve known since the minute you met him that he was more than he seemed.
And you have some time to say goodbye. He’s going to be sleepy, but not in pain. Blessings continue always.
He didn’t take well to the medicine. Picked a different pet clinic rather than wait and thank God you did.
First night you’ve been in this house in 10 years without the brocat. He didn’t even fight going into the carrier. Dehydrated. Behavior changed within 48 hours and he just tucked himself off into the dark closet. You never came home without him at the door to greet you till today.
Going to have to move him tomorrow from one clinic to another but that’s it small price to pay. The big price will be the bill, but you’ll deal with that when it comes time.
Still have Ted here. She knows you’re sad. She knows why.
There’s people in war zones, you know. A lot of people with limbs blown off. People losing their whole families. How many people alone in this country are sitting by the bedside of a dying parent while you sulk?
It’s OK to understand that you aren’t used to loss. It’s OK to realize that all things are relative. Keep things in perspective. Odds are he’ll be fine for now – but one day he will be gone. And then another Ted will be gone. Mom. Dad. Friends here and there. Eventually you.
Reminds you of the assisted living home Albert had lived in in Oregon with Wanda and alone after she passed away. Visiting there after he died and speaking at the memorial. You were the youngest person in there, and dad was the second youngest. The rest of the room was filled with people that probably danced the night away on V-J Day.
How they smiled as you read what you wrote. Somber. You had to just make light of it right there in front of everyone. They weren’t somber. They were happy. For Albert being Home with Wanda. Just a fundamentally different way of looking at death. They had been surrounded by for decades at that point. They’d seemed to have led good lives. Few if any regrets.
Death wasn’t ‘death’ to them. Even Albert seem mildly annoyed for the two years to the day Wanda passed away before him. Metaphorically looking at his watch asking “OK what’s left?” Before passing away peacefully that night.
It’s not like you haven’t lost grandparents like everyone else. You’re not a complete stranger to death… but in that moment when you spoke… they were looking at you like adoring grandparents when you figured it out.
The high blood pressure is back, so who knows you’ll probably not have to attend as many funerals as your friends, lolz 😂
Oatmeal oatmeal oatmeal oatmeal oatmeal…
Whatever. It’s a train everyone rides through their lives. There’s only two ways not to go through it; dying young and choosing to close yourself off from others. No thanks, and no chance… 😂
You aren’t tougher or weaker because you’ve made it a little bit further without more losses close to home at this point.
And the Goober is probably gonna be okay at least for now. With pets it’s different. Not as impactful yet more at the same time because unlike us, they are innocent.
And you’ve lost pets before, c’mon.
But Bill is different. He just is. It hasn’t been an easy decade for you in a lot of ways. But he knows you somehow. He has since the moment he showed up. And he’s one of a kind.
Hurting is hurting. It’s no disrespect to someone who’s losing a parent tonight to be sad Bill isn’t here. The plan is for him to be back in time to hear you yelling at the TV during the Clemson Carolina game. And even if he wasn’t, just look through your picture album and be grateful for everything you’ve had.
Opening presents early trap…
Whether it’s this weekend or a few more years from now, you’ll lose him. One of these days you might make it to that age when death isn’t death anymore. But for right now? You’re only at the beginning of that – and at the age you are, that’s something to be grateful for.
It’s just a cat.
It’s not just a cat.
Thank You for them, and if you’re not out of favors yet, please help with the sniffles. The mask will be tough to breathe in tonight otherwise. 😕
Inflammation in gumline and his teeth hurt. Not eating. Scary weight loss. Constantly getting sick… Thank God the blood work was normal. Been worried about them for days. Still am.
“And when they seek to oppress you And when they try to destroy you, Rise and rise again and again Like the Phoenix from the ashes Until the lambs have become lions and the rule of Darkness is no more” — Maitreya
Always had somewhat of a mild fascination with this beast, though in all honesty you never really saw it as anything close to your “spirit animal”, or whatever. You aren’t a “lion”; haven’t thought of yourself that way save in hero fantasies when you were younger. Maybe what might help is defining what you actually mean; you prefer being the creature with opposable thumbs that you are. Are lions fighters? Sure, but they aren’t defined in that way primarily. They’re more like leaders. Connotation is far more one of ‘courage’ than ‘fighting’. Lions are the kings; they don’t usually “fight” since they have no equals per se. But they do lead – and do so with courage, knowing others depend on them. And that’s the appeal…
Do you consider yourself one? Again, no. Not anymore. You miss thinking of yourself that way. It’s been decades. Maybe ever since mentally you divorced yourself from the notion you’d ever have a family of your own. Lions aren’t loners. You wouldn’t have anyone to teach. To inspire. To protect. To mentor. Sure, you had dreams, but it’s been a very, very long time since you were in the “find a wife, settle down, have a kid” mindset. That’s for the late 20’s & early 30’s.
Now? You have a godson that chose to ask his girl to marry him in Charleston, and you’re so ‘mature’ your first thought was “attaboy”, not “woe is me, I’ll never have a family” – though that was milliseconds later. Good for you lolz…
Took a while to take stock of how much damage you did to yourself since those years. You had such high hopes for your life back then. A lot more arrogance that you now realize was far worse in your mind than it actually was, and you ripped out too much just to get rid of it.
That early-20’s kid you were was right about an awful lot, and you didn’t listen to him as much as you needed to. It’s so easy as people for us to overly punish ourselves… it’s almost like we’re trying to outrun God’s judgment, when His mercy and forgiveness are what really matter.
The odd thing was you never saw yourself as what the world would consider to be a “lion”. Did a paper in a Leadership course in college about leadership types, and even that semester… the kind of leader you thought you were was more of a George Marshall than George Patton. But that was at scale. Interesting. You were thinking of yourself as someone who actually was better at getting things done behind the scenes. Smoothing things over. Getting the tools to who needed them. Making teams more than sums of their parts.
But… that was at scale. Ever since you were a kid, when you were put in charge of a team, it’s almost as if a different person came out. That was more Captain Aubrey. Promote teamwork. Fight alongside on deck, or in the trenches with a smile on your face. Far more in line with how you saw yourself as a kid, back when you wanted to go into the navy and came to realize how much they had “grown up”. Logistics replaced tactics. Ships became named for cities, states, and people instead of traditional names, mythology, and creatures of the sea. Consistency and professionalism replaced creativity and camaraderie. Blah.
In your world, Small Business is better than Corporate. College Football is better than pro. Leaders are better than Managers. And Lions are better than Bean Counters. Guess you really don’t belong in this world. Thank God you have enough toes in it and understanding of the behind-the-scenes kind, since now there’s no family in the picture to lead.
You a lion? No. Never were. Just a man; broken, flawed sinner that is saved by grace alone. But using that as a goal? Now we’re talking, lolz…
You aren’t one. That doesn’t mean you don’t have one within you you can call upon. And you do – if you choose to.
Few years ago you had an idea when you’d been laid off by a computer. Great reference, just giant corporation making annual operating revisions. Plenty of severance and time. What would you do?
Saw something about a need around town, and briefly thought about doing something on your own to address a need. Wasn’t practical because you didn’t have the resources or know-how. Well now that everything’s turtling up in the industry and your company needs to grow in a different direction, you remembered it and mentioned it. Boss is beyond excited. Now you’re heading NonProf research. Something to just keep solid work through what you know will be an ongoing economic slowdown. Won’t make you rich, but could fill a need; helping the community while giving basic employment. Only NonProf looks like it can work in a down economy. Doesn’t matter if you’re doing good and able to pay the bills at least until people stop voting Democrat so things can recover. Can spin it off later when things pick up if it works.
But the bottom line of it is… it was your idea. Your project. Just like a flower shop once might have been. You won’t be in charge, but you’re the one that’s trying to get the gears turning behind the scenes.
This is going to be hard. Complex. Time consuming. Might not work out even if you get it off the ground. Might not even pass the proposal phase given market research you have to do. But it’s analytics time – something your’e new at. And you learn by doing.
Screw it. Rise and rise again. You have nothing to prove to anyone. People do things like this. You’re people. You’ve been blessed. Pay it forward.
You discount yourself so quickly, you really forget just what all you actually do. You’ve handled bookkeeping, inventory, personnel management, designed databases, put together training programs, handled payroll and nailed customer service literally everywhere you’ve worked for 28 years.
You’ve overcome loads more than you realize. Faced death, potential paralysis, and mutilation at young ages and you hardly think about how tough those things were at the time. Many others have gone through so much more pain and suffering, but holy crap don’t forget what you navigated through; it wasn’t nothing.
And anyone who thinks you can’t accomplish what you choose to when you put your mind to it and align your plans with God’s plans wasn’t in the Cistern that day.
Tear into this. If it blows up in your face, tear into the next thing. Keep sucking at being unhappy. 👊😊
It’s Not a Frame of Mind 