Goodbye 2022

It taught. It took. It tormented.

You’re still here. You’re still you. Wounded, yet with a smile, facing fear, uncertainty, and adversity.

Where would you be without Jesus?

Dead – in every way that matters. If not worse.

2023 will not be 2022. Could be worse. But… could be a whole lot better. 🐬

Thanks for the lessons. Latest wounds to recover from that have made you who you are today.

Because… you like you. 🙂

And so does God. Thank God. 🕊

The Basics

It didn’t feel like Christmastime. Didn’t feel like it would ever feel like Christmastime again. Didn’t feel like watching the movies or specials. Didn’t feel like putting the decorations on the tree to make mom happy since she doesn’t have a grandchild to spoil. Didn’t feel like having all that wonderful food. Sure didn’t feel like getting presents. Didn’t even feel like shopping for presents.

This year it was watching the nativity story and the 11pm service at church online as the folks went to sleep.

And when you got it through your head that every last one of your problems were merely of this world thanks to Christ, and focus on celebrating His birth…

…Christmas magically appeared.

The faster you can get over yourself and just focus on Jesus, the better things are just going to be.

Goodness knows it’s tough. You have Jesus in your heart and you keep stumbling. Making your problems yours as if you’re better at dealing with them than God is.

Keep working on it. Understand that you probably always will be – and that’s fine. Be grateful that you don’t have to understand why. You just understand.

On the way home, you thought about the sweet dog you saved with her a year ago. Such a good memory. And you’ll always have it with you. There’s room for that.

Just don’t forget where gentleness, kindness and love come from. Focus more on that – Him – and less on yourself.

The only thing you can do about not having what has filled you with happiness in the past… is finding what will fill you with happiness in the future.

Easier said than done. Rampant change surrounds you. Okay. And just like last year this time… you don’t mind… 🕊🐬🫡

Next Chapter

Boss dissolving everything, divvying up company and starting fresh. Other guy got what was once going to be the next million dollar company. Good move. Lots of experience and plenty of drive. Doubtful anything can be scavenged, but you’ll benefit from extra work if it can be.

As for you, you get the store. Made sense; you’re the one that always pushed for it. Only question is whether or not you can transfer the whole thing or if you have to start over again. Reenter everything. Either way the whole thing’s in your garage now. It’s gonna take a lot of effort just to configure it to get the car in if you had to in an emergency now. Sucks. Miss being able to park inside. Back room is an office just like you always thought about making it.

It’s partly terrifying. Just what you need while dealing with depression; more time spent in the house. You’re going to find out how much you miss the drive to work. Based on your tendencies, your sleep schedule is gonna get all screwed up too unless you really focus.

It doesn’t feel like Christmas. Because Christmas will not feel like Christmas for a long time. What you would give to be living in December 2021 for the rest of your life. Just that feeling. Finally. Of sharing it with someone that could one day be part of a family of your own. You’ve gotten past likely never playing Santa for your kids. You don’t even want to watch Clark Griswold. His dad passing the night before Christmas storyteller torch. Always wanted that. Will never have it.

If you weren’t just a really positive person, you’d really be screwed up right now. But Christ’s joy is inside and that’s what matters. Unsuccessful $2k vet bill, notwithstanding. Came along right at a time when you got a $1500 bonus, so, His timing is simply a reminder.

Bottom line now as you are a business owner. Full-on with a bank account with $25 in it to start with. Lots of free inventory and supplies though. Who knows what might happen with what’s left of the crypto company. It wasn’t the crypto market that crashed the customer; it was the economy and OpEx. Not much you can do about that. People will just never learn, no matter how long they vote Democrat. It’s the economy, stupid.

Enough. You’re getting this out. All kinds of frustrations that you’ll be past soon enough. It’s an amazing exercising dealing with frustration… metaphorically writing letters (or drafts) and not sending them. Purges the anger, evening out your thoughts, so you can reevaluate whether or not you need to be so frustrated to begin with.

Probably doesn’t help everyone . Helps you though.

Even though everything went down in flames, everyone else is really excited about the directions things are going at work. Entrepreneurs. Seeing opportunity when everything falls apart. It’s gonna take you a while to adjust to that, but here you are actually not freaking out like you used to when faced with potentially not having a job.

Your basic needs are met with the store. There’s no real reason to rake in profit; profit will be the time that you can spend doing other things to get revenue in from other streams.

Such a different way of looking at things. If you can put together a plan and raise a little capital, you might be able to do the nonprofit food desert thing. Sky is the limit.

Even now.

God really is trying to help you take your mind off last year, seems like. 26 days since Bill went home. God’s probably already sent him to someone else who needs him though. It’s not like you’re not gonna see him again.

Lived by yourself for almost 20 years, but you’ve never felt as alone as you are now. Ted notices the sniffling and meows. Your own cat, making a fool of you, lolz…

Wouldn’t be the first time. Still breaking out crying every once in a while like a schoolgirl. His little box is coming home tomorrow. And just like that you can’t speak without choking up. 😭

It’ll be alright. He was there when you needed him. You’re beginning the next chapter. So much to be grateful for.

Warmth

Can’t listen at high volume without tearing up. A few hymns are getting that way. Can’t hear them in church with the booming organ without them hitting you hard – in a good way.

Tomorrow is going to be hard.

There are so many other concerns you have going on now to take your mind off it. Maybe that’s for the best.

When you call out in despair, He always hears. Psalms 55.

Been filling your heart with the spirit on occasion when sadness and fear drive you to that point. Music gets loud. Feels so good. Deep breaths push out of the lungs and you feel embraced by the Holy Spirit.

Nasal congestion appears. Gets fought off. Everything changes. Booming hymns. Choir. Organ. Fireplace.

He’s not going to solve any problem for you. That’s your job. But through trusting in Him you can meet any challenge.

So trust Him. Breathe it in. Understand things as they are. Miss the way they were a year ago. But take comfort also in that the year before that? Was December 2020. Things can fall apart in a year. But wow can they also be put together in one also.

Hymns. By the fire. With Ted. Feels rejuvenating. Do more. Feel more. Heal more. It’s alright. Finish the year out strong as best you can.

Tomorrow will be brighter. At least one of them will. 🙂

Maybe it’s a good thing

that you’re a bit dented when it comes to positivity. It’s gonna be really up and down for a little while.

Worst night of the week every week. One week after losing the “familiar”. A dear friend sent a consolation gift. You know just where it goes.

A whole week. It doesn’t seem that long because of all of the concerns regarding work. Moving the store to your house isn’t what you want, but the current path is probably just not working. Lots of work coming up and various ways you could go about it. A whole lot of decisions are going to need to be made even including whether or not it’s best to just find something else for the time being and help in your spare time.

Now is really not the best time to ask for more money, but honestly, you’re really kind of sick of being where you are, and you need to level up if you’re gonna start dating again.

Question is what direction that entails. Figures the freaking government would make everything more difficult to operate a nonprofit to help people, than a business. You understand why for obvious reasons, but that doesn’t help much right now.

What would help? What would help would be the last year being a bad dream. What you would give for it to be December 2021 again. If anyone asks you what you want for Christmas, it’s to wake up with the woman you were born to love in your arms, infinite hope on the horizon at work, your folks healthier and in less pain, and your furry little BroCat by your side.

But here you are. And because it’s you, you’re literally bored of being sad. A dear friend’s gift in memory of Dabillbill will decorate one of your windows until you no longer own this house, via sale or death.

Now another log.

That’s the weird thing about it all. There’s literally no reason you need to be positive tonight. None. Every concern you have had has gotten worse. Your family’s health. The company you’ve been working to build. The pain of loss. The feeling of loneliness every Friday night you hate.

And yet here you are listening to a song about inspiration and creativity.

And it’s okay that it’s Enya. At 45 you decided to check all of the stuff and it turns out despite your fears, your T count was actually abnormally high. You weren’t really expecting that considering how all the commercials made it out to be. But whatever. Enya it is, because it’s beautiful music and upbeat, and you have nothing to prove… lolz…

And honestly, you’re just bored and tired of being hurt and sad.

The truth of the matter is… The little guy was a gift from God when you really needed it. And now God has made the emphatic statement that you don’t need him anymore.

Two kinds of cancer, distended stomach, and damage to lymph nodes? All that? Yeah, you weren’t supposed to try to move heaven and earth to keep him. It was time for him to go home so plainly, and obviously even you could understand. If God gives you a gift when you really need it… and takes it away? There’s only one logical conclusion. Someone else needs him more.

Ted is acting a little different. It’s one of those things you wouldn’t be able to understand without remembering the North Carolina Fan. What has been lost has only made its mark on you.

There’s so much more. Just so much more.

But you have exceeded your ability to hurt this week. So enjoy the fire. Enjoy who you really are deep down. Enjoy the fact that you just are not going to hurt at a certain point no matter how much you miss a year ago this week.

At least on this Friday night.

it is absolutely mind boggling to you that people can’t understand just what having Jesus in your heart fortifies you against.

Sure, your problems are nothing compared to some others out there. But pain is pain and all things are relative. What is another person’s pain compared to the pain of someone watching their child starve in Sudan? Nothing.

So don’t beat yourself up over crying about missing your BroCat. Pain is pain and screw anyone who doesn’t get it.

And then take Caribbean Blue at 1:56 to feel warmth at the love in your heart that has been reinforced by the Creator of Heaven and Earth.

Hey, you get to be afraid tomorrow. That means you don’t have to be afraid tonight. Enjoy the warmth. Enjoy the fire. Feel free to miss December 2021. You will for a few weeks, and that’s okay.

God has made you the man that you are. And he has made you this way for a reason. It sure isn’t the reason you thought it would be a year ago.

And you still have absolutely no idea what I you are meant for.

But enough. Just… enough.

Be grateful for all the blessings you have been given. Make sure Ted knows how loved she is. Enjoy the music and the fire tonight. And know that with God in your corner, literally there is no need for fear.

Absolutely.

No.

Need.

🥹🕊🐈🙏

home.

Seen Bill three times since. Corner of your eye. Lack of sleep. Song reminds you of him. Listened to it with him by the fire the last night.

It’s gonna be fine. You aren’t alone, and never will be.

Stressful time. Decisions to make. Memories won’t leave you be. Loss. Pain.

Nothing you can’t handle. Things just take time. Trust in Him.

Keep calm. Carry on.

Sleep.