Well you’re just going to have to admit it; you’re on a backslide. Weight is back where you started. Good news is a lot of it is a muscle that you have built up, and it’ll be easy to get back into the groove, but it’s still so frustrating.

You’ve always been able to get a good thing going for a few months and then backsliding when it comes to your health. No one else is here to help, so it’s on you like it always is.

A lot of concerns at work have been addressed and you’re continuing to make headway there. Set up with supposedly amazing health insurance now.

You keep missing church. When so many of your problems seem to stem from just not being energized in your faith right now, that’s just got to stop. You’re not worried or anything it’s just… not exciting. Bible study tomorrow night. That’s different because it’s… don’t know, just different.

You keep fighting the urge to assume there’s one silver bullet it was home all your problems. Because even though that’s sort of true (re: getting your faith re-energized) you’re still gonna need to put effort into the other stuff also.

Not really sure how close you want to get to V. You had a great time with her at Con, but probably need to keep everything mentally in the friend sphere. Enough of those kinds of relationships. You need a woman with a desire to be close to God; goodness knows you need the help. It’s your fault for being so picky. Better than the alternative and crashing again though. Find someone freaking local too, geez…

Could always be worse. For whatever reason your passion for God is in the doldrums, figure it out. If there’s one thing you know it’s that you belong with someone that wants to share your journey.

Bible study tomorrow night. Get back in the stupid gym Wednesday. No excuses. Same plan as before.

You’ll be all right in time.🙂

And yet never when you need to be.

Something’s out of balance.

You’ll figure it out. 🤔

Feel like renting a boat. Wouldn’t be the same as holding the giant ships wheel and feeling the wind in your hair.

But you get to enjoy Bluetooth speakers in 2022. $500/day isn’t bad considering the small ones seat seven.

Autumn weekend sweet spots temperature wise are upon you. Might be a tall order to find a ‘crew’ anytime soon to join you considering you’re the only one with said interest… so maybe Springtime would be better.

But WOW that’s some Gawjuss weather coming down the pipe. Temps have been great for awhile. Stifling summer ended a bit early.

Maybe it’s just an urge today.

Again… 🤔🤔🤔

Jerk of a storm messed up Florida and now is coming to South Carolina to die. Will be a Cat 1 by the time it hits. Plenty of food and water, got all the equipment and books off the lower shelves at work.

75 mile an hour winds are nothing to sneeze at; any higher category and you would definitely head inland.

Coming along at an interesting time. Not a bad time to be in a storm and have a chat with the Maker, so picked up some cigars. Grocery was packed; everyone’s battening down the hatches. Chances are the worst will be a power outage. There’s always a chance a stray tornado may pay a visit, but it’s a chance almost everyone’s taking.

Towels just in case. Need to invest in some sandbags at some point. Been really fortunate over the years. Winds are already about 20 HPE.

Charge everything that needs charging, be ready for power outages, and stay indoors. A lot of kids are going to get conceived this weekend. 😂

All joking aside, pray for those in Florida; hit the southwest coast as a strong Cat 4 that seemed to catch the veterans down there napping. Maybe hundreds of deaths.

Saw that the animal Society needs volunteers again; signed up. You weren’t in the system anymore but they remember and said you don’t have to go through orientation. Goodness knows they’re gonna have a tough time of it; they were in trouble before all this started. 

When you saw the need it was reflexive. As soon as they contacted you back he wondered if you really wanted to do it. Something about that tells you that that means you really do need to. So hopefully Saturdays will have some activity now. That will be good for you. 

And you have tomorrow off now. 😂

There’s a part of you that enjoys these things. They break up the monotony of day in day out. Just be careful putting it like that and always be mindful of how little it would take to snuff out you, you’re every memory, every thought, every deed. Remember how fragile life is. Remember how grateful you are for all your blessings. Remember how others need prayer and the sharing of those blessings.

And yet still appreciate that this crazy Florida man still comes to bat for every single ‘Cane… 😂

Ask the Lord to watch over you all over the weekend. You’ll have a cigar. Would love to hear what’s on His mind…

May Psalms 59 be on yours. 🕊

Creativity used to be so much easier…

This might be a bigger problem than you had realized. Used to be so creative. Stories swirled around in your mind up and down the interstate in days of old. Now you can barely think outside boxes on the treadmill; which is even more boring. Lots of video though. YouTube. Input, not fostering creativity.

This stupid little blog is probably one of the few places that’s a creative outlet (such as it is). Even gaming is tough. It’s tough to storytell, but you manage to cobble something together last minute each time. Don’t seem to have the mental energy during the week to really do much more even though you do have good storyline destinations to move towards. Everything bogs down. Then seems to stop. Even playing (when you do) is tough; it’s tough to be or stay interested in the specifics of a plot, but then again you aren’t in the same room when you play; it’s gaming via cam; difficult to weave music and atmosphere together as well. Seeing someone in 3D is always better than 2D.

What To Do If You’ve Lost Your Creativity

Strengthsfinder suggests not working on your weaknesses, but to focus on your strengths and find synergy with those who can compensate for them with theirs. You still hold true to the principle; it makes sense. So what do you move towards? How do you get back in touch with your creativity?

Mundanities of OSHA training and compliance have led to creating quizzes and checklists; processed via Google Forms and you’re constructing an employee portal on Sites. It’s fun. You’re building something. Flashes of enjoyment here and there can lead to potential brainstorming wins down the road, but you feel so far behind on many fronts regarding your strengths you aren’t sure where to go.

Wherever it went, it seems to have taken your passion for God with it. The foundation is strong; hardwiring is there, hence why it’s bothering you so much. But just like a battleship that has guns that keep jamming, you just can’t find that rhythm that felt like His warmth around you for so many years.

So, don’t ponder rabbit holes too much that might lead you away from getting back to where you need to be. Ask Him to help you rediscover your creativity. Your confidence. Your initiative. ‘Letting Him guide you’ may not work unless you invite him in to ask where….

Listen more, watch less. Music, not video. You can’t just say “okay, now I’m going to think about what I’m going to do here”, or “what kind of revenue streams can I come up with?” That stuff happens, but not when you fixate on it – especially when you’re not really thinking about anything because the mind wanders while watching a vid on, say naval combat, even if you’re enjoying it.

Get better sleep too. Back to work.

Happy Anniversary!

Everyone was invited for lunch. New buildings are nice. Lol briefly got the opportunity to have the old high school fear of not knowing where to sit in the cafeteria when you don’t know that many people.😂

Eventually picked a seat at a table with someone you’d met before with an empty chair and joined in a conversation.

Then you realized many others were doing the same thing, lolz…

Good people and good times. It really is the simple things you treasure.

Felt so good to be back. You need to keep working on your lack of passion. You know deep down it’s a problem. Something’s just off. Fortunately it’s just a frame of mind. The state of being needs it fixed. You’ll figure it out whatever it is. 🙂

For you, to talk to her is to fall in love with her. To love her is to hurt, because she doesn’t want you.

To think of her is to miss her. To miss her is to ache in purposeless.

Her presence is all over this house. All over your work. Even your truck. She made your parents smile. She loved your cats. Your favorite places.

Everywhere and everything you love. Everything mingles with her now.

It has for years, as you dreamed what things would be like if you were lucky enough to have her in your arms. Your home. Intertwined with your very spirit.

Cistern. Folly. Kaminsky’s. Waterfront. Rainbow Row. Hiking. Bee City. Maybe Con. Maybe even one day church. You wanted her to have everything you could give her.

And… the answer was no. Twice. No one before has had the chance to reject everything you are, have, have come from, and stand for so completely. And no one ever will again.

The love is elemental. It will never vanish. But it can’t be anything less than it is. That’s what your heart was for her for seven years, for good or ill, and you fully committed. Absolute full investment.

Comparatively, she didn’t understand why you wouldn’t be able to speak to her again if she went back to what and who you tried to help her escape from. After going through all that pain, and your dream finally coming true…

There’s no way to square that when you literally put everything you have and are on the line for someone you truly loved. None. Even after moving on to the next love it would be tough.

Cortez burned his ships when reaching the new world. You burned all that pain away with hope for a future with her. Was the only way you could manage to be alright with her keeping so many ties to the past she’d escaped from.

No one else would have done that. No one.

Seven years of enjoyable Bubly water, then three months of the most amazing nectar you could ever imagine… you just can’t do Bubly anymore.

When she used those ties to return to all that? Ledger zero. No animosity. No bitterness. No ex hate. Promises you made to yourself that you’re still trying to keep. But, you were never going back to suffering.

So what now? No idea. Con helped. Might even keep leading to something, but that’s even more far fetched.

You so need to be stronger with God. Always good advice but particularly now. Let Him lead you. Find out what’s wrong. Why you have to try so hard.

Miss her. Love her from afar. Keep praying for her, and be there for her if she needs more prayer.

But her answer was no. It’s beyond unlikely to change. And you can’t even imagine what that would look like at this point.

Life is a case study in not realizing the way some things are at the time. As things stand here and now on this dirty September night…

For now, this is what you must do to Grow.

Let positive vibes flow from you. Keep happiness in your heart. Give others a reason to smile. And protect it.

No matter what… she wants you to be happy. The last thing you can do for her is try to make it so.

Hold her in your arms Lord. Every second I can’t hold her in mine.

Please give me wisdom. Please give me guidance. Please be with all those I love and care about.

Amen.

New projector arrived. Sleeping at sea tonight. 😃😃😃