I don’t know what to say.

It’s amazing that you just spent an hour at Con trying to figure out how to splice together the videos you have left of her before actually realizing you needed to ask a question.

Let alone why you still have them.

Oh. Yeah, nevermind. Memories you will never forfeit… fair enough.

So how on earth do you express pain to someone when you don’t want to risk hurting them just in case?

Why do you need to express pain?

Holy crap how long does it take you to get over stuff?

Do you want them to feel bad about how they hurt you?

Don’t lie. So why do you want them to feel bad?

You don’t? Really? Okay.

Then just post the song. Nothing more.

The lyrics are all there.

And outside of that last stupid cheap shot lyric at the end, there are your feelings. The last line is stupid and you want nothing to do with it.

That’s just the way it is with the Magnetic Fields. Brilliant music until you want them to STFU.

Whatever. You made sure people got to where the party was tonight instead of wandering around downtown Atlanta and putting themselves in danger.

That’s what you’re good for for right now. You are so sick of it. But here you are.

That’s what you know what to say.

Everything else you’re clueless and don’t pretend otherwise.

I don’t know what to say.

I just don’t know what to say.

Please be with those who are sacred to me. Please be with those who hate me. Please be with everyone in between.

Please be gentle with me tomorrow when the hangover hits.

🤔

Lion

Intro]
Hummm
Hummm
Hummm
Hummm

[Verse 1]
(Hummm) You’re like an Empress
(Hummm) You’ve got fire running down your cheeks
(Hummm) You burn everything you see
(Hummm) Gold are your fingers
(Hummm) Leaving traces everywhere you go
(Hummm) Diamonds in your skin, my blood flows

[Chorus]
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out

[Verse 2]
Sound of the water
Beads dripping down your face
Calling out, calling out my name
You were december
Eyes cold, freezing my blood
Somehow, somehow not enough

Huh-huh
Huh-huh
Huh-huh
Huh-huh

[Chorus]
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out
Bring the lion out
Bring the, bring the lion out

…………………….

Con

Option 1: Don’t go. Realize you won’t be able to go without constantly thinking about her. Hating the fact that you’re there alone… Yet… Again… after allowing yourself to mentally transition to a world where you had finally gotten past that bachelor life because you had finally found the one that you were meant to be with, making every painful year after year of loneliness worth it.

Realizing you still really didn’t have the money yet and feeling insecure about spending what you know you didn’t have. You would soon, but not really in enough time. Which only means you’d have to be irresponsible and put it on cards you’d be able to pay down by the end of the year.

The weirdest thing. You could tell she deep down probably wouldn’t want to go. That’s when your mind started changing on it and you didn’t even want to go yourself. If it wasn’t something you could do together, it held no interest. That lasted even after she did.

Option 2: Go. Just go. Have a good time. As much of a good time as you can. See some of those old friends again. Get a host hotel room. There’s cheaper options already available, but that’s the way to go. Where you’re there in the middle of it like you’re supposed to be.

You haven’t been to Con since the overly eventful 2019; the first year you went to her. Basically gave her your love for the first time for the first rejection before giving her a chance to reject you on a scale you had never even comprehended it.

In your mind she’s been linked to Con for so long. It was on the way to one of them you found out she got divorced and you let your mind soar thinking of her. Kept texting her all the way and never stopped. Every one since you texted her constantly, dreaming of taking her one day.

Whatever, you just need to have a good time. If you can get a host hotel room, just freaking go. Have a good time. You’re not gonna say you deserve it, but what else would you do? Feel the same way sitting around the house here for a weekend?

Best room ever 2019

Screw it. Option 2. You can pay stuff off. Bonus from work covering the room; be grateful you work with a good friend. People wanting to do kind things for you doesn’t need to be something you feel self-conscious of. Be grateful, continue to do the same for others, and always… pay it forward.

Might be the last one you feel like going to. Might make you want to go back yearly again. A bit less likely. Whatever, just go.

See the old friends again. See Shatner. Cast of Locke and Key. Dance all night. Metro Cafe at 5am with strangers talking about the closest you’ve each been to death. Hideaway cigar lounge speakeasy. Play board games with good friends when the body gets tired. Celebrate the opening weekend of college football season.

A whole year of partying in your 20s condensed into 4 days. Each year that passes is less of a big deal, but for at least one more just go have fing fun… 😃

Complex level of enjoyment with the Magnetic Fields. Such amazing sound. AMAZING. Lol most of their songs with Lyrics that piss you off. Perfect for ‘screw it moods’ when you feel like dipping into that snide mood you hide from others as best you can lolz. Definitely worth its own topic though. Later. Wade through it for now; have to buy a new suitcase. American Tourister brand this time. It was cheaper then but you bought Swiss Gear for her so she didn’t have to see “American”.

It could always be worse.🧐

For you, it’s just a frame of mind; not a state of being. Go have a good weekend.

Never forget to be grateful for all the blessings you have. May God keep putting good people in your life to share them with. Now let’s change the mood.

Better. Glad someone had a great idea.

Dragoncon, baby. Let’s have a blast.😃

11

Lots of decisions to make coming up. Big week. Being tired at 11 is a good thing.

It’s so tough to understand Your Love, Lord. All of the difficulties we perceive in our infancy, no matter the decade… Our struggles… our pain… and you look upon all of us with Your love through every bit.

No matter what it is, the greatest pain we can experience on this earth whether we realize it or not is weighed against Eternal Life with You. Paradise the number of days greater than all the grains of sand on this world.

What we see seems so imposing. Often is for us because we are children in this world. Praying for the well-being of the mother of a friend of a friend who just learned of stage four cancer. Please be with her. And please be with her family. Discovering stage four cancer is pretty much an end if I’m not mistaken. So be with them all.

Hold them in your arms and share with them the knowledge that if we hold true to You, nothing in this world can truly hurt us. Because nothing is compared to coming Home to You. Nothing can compare to eternity Your love.

Please be with those who love me and those who hate me. Lead all of us to You.

Please be with me during this week where there are so many decisions to be made. From those serious in my family‘s choices for the future, The direction that work is taking, and my future in it, even to the silly call of whether or not to roll dice on going to Atlanta just to get away for a while.

Your fingerprints are all over our choices, leading us down through the decisions we make as You watch over us all along the way.

And when we make mistakes, like a loving parent you are there for us always. We ask, and You pick us up off the ground and help heal our wounds.

For me I ask always for Wisdom. Strength to live as You would have me. Drive to bring me closer to You. Forgive my trespasses, as I ask for the forgiveness of those who trespass against me. Forgive my failure to act as You would have me in the eyes of others.

Give me Your light so others see it through me. Please help me to get closer to you so I’m worthy. And with all of those hurting tonight.

There’s so much More.

So much we don’t see.

So many miracles, every single day.

Some we don’t realize until long after the moment has passed. Others we never realize.

So much that you do for us; and always there.

Thank You for drowsy eyes as a busy week approaches.

And thanks for the cats. 🙂

Shared with me by someone sacred.

Full Speed Ahead

80s retro feel. 2000s sound. Love it. Just sweet. New projector works just nicely. Finally have some disposable income again. Not enough in time for Dragoncon, but you couldn’t go without what you’d built up in your mind this year would be like. Wanted to share things so bad. Lol, it is what it is.

It’s full speed ahead on all fronts but the one that’s almost always lonely anyway. Now’s not the time now though. Another long shot here or there, but it’s… going to be a while to get past the depth of what your heart had known.

New contract and Texas trips can be in the future. Never been there before. Google Streetview has it as flat as the ocean as far as the eye can see, lolz. Even the book sales are kicking in again. Dad loves entering. Recovering nicely.

45 and your first colonoscopy says no cancer yet, and money is finally emerging positive.

College Football looms on the horizon once more.

Feels like you might be getting out of a penalty box for stupidity, in so many ways. Measure criticism though. Make it valid but not harsh. You are who you are. Learn what you need to work on, and then do something about it.

Bucket full of small changes is starting to pay off. Back at it in the gym. You’d slipped a bit with all the sick and medical stuff, company at the house, etc but the weight stayed off… if that isn’t worth celebrating and get back in there you don’t know what is. 😃

Bible study was great. Grow, grow, grow. God will put pieces into place when you’re ready.

Full Speed Ahead… let Him lead the way.