Inflammation in gumline and his teeth hurt. Not eating. Scary weight loss. Constantly getting sick… Thank God the blood work was normal. Been worried about them for days. Still am.

Thank You for the cats.

“And when they seek
to oppress you
And when they try
to destroy you,
Rise and rise again
and again
Like the Phoenix
from the ashes
Until the lambs
have become lions
and the rule of Darkness
is no more”
— Maitreya

Always had somewhat of a mild fascination with this beast, though in all honesty you never really saw it as anything close to your “spirit animal”, or whatever. You aren’t a “lion”; haven’t thought of yourself that way save in hero fantasies when you were younger. Maybe what might help is defining what you actually mean; you prefer being the creature with opposable thumbs that you are. Are lions fighters? Sure, but they aren’t defined in that way primarily. They’re more like leaders. Connotation is far more one of ‘courage’ than ‘fighting’. Lions are the kings; they don’t usually “fight” since they have no equals per se. But they do lead – and do so with courage, knowing others depend on them. And that’s the appeal…

Do you consider yourself one? Again, no. Not anymore. You miss thinking of yourself that way. It’s been decades. Maybe ever since mentally you divorced yourself from the notion you’d ever have a family of your own. Lions aren’t loners. You wouldn’t have anyone to teach. To inspire. To protect. To mentor. Sure, you had dreams, but it’s been a very, very long time since you were in the “find a wife, settle down, have a kid” mindset. That’s for the late 20’s & early 30’s.

Now? You have a godson that chose to ask his girl to marry him in Charleston, and you’re so ‘mature’ your first thought was “attaboy”, not “woe is me, I’ll never have a family” – though that was milliseconds later. Good for you lolz…

Took a while to take stock of how much damage you did to yourself since those years. You had such high hopes for your life back then. A lot more arrogance that you now realize was far worse in your mind than it actually was, and you ripped out too much just to get rid of it.

That early-20’s kid you were was right about an awful lot, and you didn’t listen to him as much as you needed to. It’s so easy as people for us to overly punish ourselves… it’s almost like we’re trying to outrun God’s judgment, when His mercy and forgiveness are what really matter.

The odd thing was you never saw yourself as what the world would consider to be a “lion”. Did a paper in a Leadership course in college about leadership types, and even that semester… the kind of leader you thought you were was more of a George Marshall than George Patton. But that was at scale. Interesting. You were thinking of yourself as someone who actually was better at getting things done behind the scenes. Smoothing things over. Getting the tools to who needed them. Making teams more than sums of their parts.

But… that was at scale. Ever since you were a kid, when you were put in charge of a team, it’s almost as if a different person came out. That was more Captain Aubrey. Promote teamwork. Fight alongside on deck, or in the trenches with a smile on your face. Far more in line with how you saw yourself as a kid, back when you wanted to go into the navy and came to realize how much they had “grown up”. Logistics replaced tactics. Ships became named for cities, states, and people instead of traditional names, mythology, and creatures of the sea. Consistency and professionalism replaced creativity and camaraderie. Blah.

In your world, Small Business is better than Corporate. College Football is better than pro. Leaders are better than Managers. And Lions are better than Bean Counters. Guess you really don’t belong in this world. Thank God you have enough toes in it and understanding of the behind-the-scenes kind, since now there’s no family in the picture to lead.

You a lion? No. Never were. Just a man; broken, flawed sinner that is saved by grace alone. But using that as a goal? Now we’re talking, lolz…

Few years ago you had an idea when you’d been laid off by a computer. Great reference, just giant corporation making annual operating revisions. Plenty of severance and time. What would you do?

Saw something about a need around town, and briefly thought about doing something on your own to address a need. Wasn’t practical because you didn’t have the resources or know-how. Well now that everything’s turtling up in the industry and your company needs to grow in a different direction, you remembered it and mentioned it. Boss is beyond excited. Now you’re heading NonProf research. Something to just keep solid work through what you know will be an ongoing economic slowdown. Won’t make you rich, but could fill a need; helping the community while giving basic employment. Only NonProf looks like it can work in a down economy. Doesn’t matter if you’re doing good and able to pay the bills at least until people stop voting Democrat so things can recover. Can spin it off later when things pick up if it works.

But the bottom line of it is… it was your idea. Your project. Just like a flower shop once might have been. You won’t be in charge, but you’re the one that’s trying to get the gears turning behind the scenes.

This is going to be hard. Complex. Time consuming. Might not work out even if you get it off the ground. Might not even pass the proposal phase given market research you have to do. But it’s analytics time – something your’e new at. And you learn by doing.

Screw it. Rise and rise again. You have nothing to prove to anyone. People do things like this. You’re people. You’ve been blessed. Pay it forward.

You discount yourself so quickly, you really forget just what all you actually do. You’ve handled bookkeeping, inventory, personnel management, designed databases, put together training programs, handled payroll and nailed customer service literally everywhere you’ve worked for 28 years.

You’ve overcome loads more than you realize. Faced death, potential paralysis, and mutilation at young ages and you hardly think about how tough those things were at the time. Many others have gone through so much more pain and suffering, but holy crap don’t forget what you navigated through; it wasn’t nothing.

And anyone who thinks you can’t accomplish what you choose to when you put your mind to it and align your plans with God’s plans wasn’t in the Cistern that day.

Tear into this. If it blows up in your face, tear into the next thing. Keep sucking at being unhappy. 👊😊

Good excuse.

Well things seem to be falling apart at work. Yay. Amazing how fast everything goes from endless possibility to thank goodness for free help in booking.

Whatever. Like everyone else, you work for utils, not money. Certainly not worried about you, but it’s your job to worry about the company‘s health.

Last weekend you’d found a property that would save the day, and blam, That fell apart too. Your track record for success does not seem to be very good lately. Might as well add that to the pile, but one thing at a time. There’s still possibilities out there for Oklahoma, Idaho, and Grande Prairie, Alberta. Yay.

But companies are cutting back on excess spending as the economy gets more uncertain. What can you say; people voted Democrat. Knowledge of economics is a curse if you don’t use the degree, lolz…

Trepidation about meeting with the CPA tomorrow. About what’s happening with work. About what you could’ve done different.

In all honesty, The answer is probably nothing, but for some reason that’s not a very satisfying thing to think… probably because we want to feel like we have more agency than we do. 🤔

Sometimes bad things just happen. The choice is between feeling helpless and feeling regret.

Long-term you’ll be fine. It just really would be nice to have something else going on to distract you. Someone else to help you through it and make you feel useful in helping her through whatever she struggles with.

Well, another weekend and another empty Friday night approach. Another weekend of wisely saving money. Getting ready to store a whole bunch of books.

Thank God you’re a positive person. 😂 This too shall pass. Might check the weather at table rock Saturday or Sunday. Just get out of town for a bit.

You really want to get to sea though. No it’s just not gonna be the same unless your steering. Can’t explain where that came from all of a sudden. A mountain is the opposite but who knows; maybe the whole thing is just you needing to talk to Him like you used to.

Ennui. Definitely not your first tangling with it. First time in a world in which you’re not waiting anymore, not that you realized that at the time. Could always be worse.

Vet visits for the cats scheduled in early December because everyone forgot how to do everything during Covid.🙄

Stop whining. Be grateful. Keep forcing yourself to look at those apps just in case. Supposedly you find someone when you aren’t looking… and it has been a long time since you really really really haven’t been in the mood to look.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up. They’re going to be really tough. Try to give yourself a break. God has a plan for all things.

And regardless of where His plan goes, don’t ever forget to be grateful for so many things.

Especially thanks for the cats.🙂

Fear. Concern. Trepidation.

Breathe. It’s alright. The Holy Spirit misses you too.

Get meaningful sleep.

Just do it.

Be this guy soon. If only for a little while.

You really miss when you slept so well…

In a world that seeks to break our spirit, take from us our happiness and condemn us to sadness and destruction…

Optimism is glorious defiance. 🙂

Thank God for it…and everything else.

That weird feeling when an old song you always liked had an amazing video and was based on a beautiful poem you also liked all along and you just now realized it… 😂

Not a terrible Friday night. 😃

Yesterday was such a gawjuss day to enjoy outside. And you didn’t because there’s no reason to alone. Sigh.

Assuming just getting out to walk around, enjoy the weather and pick up bald peanuts doesn’t count… you won’t pass that up, but getting out out would have been great.

Another wasted weekend. The ups and downs at work are pointed down again, so it’s appropriate not to spend so much money; still you could’ve done something useful like volunteering with the animals.

Feel bad for missing church; you need to build relationships there. Woke up not feeling great. Most likely sinuses. Annoying. Not a sip of alcohol Saturday night and feeling hung over is just cosmically wrong.

Bald peanuts. Shampoo. Five hour energy and paying the tax on the stupid because Powerball is over 600 million. What a day.

Today was weird. Every direction you were going full speed at work is now potentially pointless for the time being. There’s cutbacks across every sector, thanks in large part to people acting and voting on emotion rather than what was best for people’s wallets. Society will learn, though… eventually. One reason you’re so grateful for the opportunities you have. Thinking about shutters again. Might be something there. 🤔

Organizing the garage tonight. Might have to move some stuff into there from work; hopefully temporarily. Not sure how to break it to the cats lolz…

Could always be worse. you’ve made a lot of money working at places you really weren’t happy at. This is so much more rewarding. And it’s not like you can’t find somewhere to be miserable at for money if you had to.

No real reason to if it’s just you though. Life‘s just too short. And if you are good at things you enjoy, and take a few calculated risks, Who knows what might happen? 🤔

Bible study tomorrow night. Hopefully you won’t be hung over from water for it at least.😂

Garage is a mess. Just a mess, not a mess mess. Not sure how much room you can make. We’ll see though.

Sad cats though…😕

Things are rough, and they’ll get tougher. Nothing you haven’t been through before. And there’s so much you’re still trying to make sense of… And some things that you never will understand.

Find a way to be the better for it. Let God lead you. Just shut up and let Him lead you. Find a way.