Option 1: Don’t go. Realize you won’t be able to go without constantly thinking about her. Hating the fact that you’re there alone… Yet… Again… after allowing yourself to mentally transition to a world where you had finally gotten past that bachelor life because you had finally found the one that you were meant to be with, making every painful year after year of loneliness worth it.

Realizing you still really didn’t have the money yet and feeling insecure about spending what you know you didn’t have. You would soon, but not really in enough time. Which only means you’d have to be irresponsible and put it on cards you’d be able to pay down by the end of the year.

The weirdest thing. You could tell she deep down probably wouldn’t want to go. That’s when your mind started changing on it and you didn’t even want to go yourself. If it wasn’t something you could do together, it held no interest. That lasted even after she did.

Option 2: Go. Just go. Have a good time. As much of a good time as you can. See some of those old friends again. Get a host hotel room. There’s cheaper options already available, but that’s the way to go. Where you’re there in the middle of it like you’re supposed to be.

You haven’t been to Con since the overly eventful 2019; the first year you went to her. Basically gave her your love for the first time for the first rejection before giving her a chance to reject you on a scale you had never even comprehended it.

In your mind she’s been linked to Con for so long. It was on the way to one of them you found out she got divorced and you let your mind soar thinking of her. Kept texting her all the way and never stopped. Every one since you texted her constantly, dreaming of taking her one day.

Whatever, you just need to have a good time. If you can get a host hotel room, just freaking go. Have a good time. You’re not gonna say you deserve it, but what else would you do? Feel the same way sitting around the house here for a weekend?

Screw it. Option 2. You can pay stuff off. Bonus from work covering the room; be grateful you work with a good friend. People wanting to do kind things for you doesn’t need to be something you feel self-conscious of. Be grateful, continue to do the same for others, and always… pay it forward.

Might be the last one you feel like going to. Might make you want to go back yearly again. A bit less likely. Whatever, just go.

See the old friends again. See Shatner. Cast of Locke and Key. Dance all night. Metro Cafe at 5am with strangers talking about the closest you’ve each been to death. Hideaway cigar lounge speakeasy. Play board games with good friends when the body gets tired. Celebrate the opening weekend of college football season.

A whole year of partying in your 20s condensed into 4 days. Each year that passes is less of a big deal, but for at least one more just go have fing fun… 😃

Complex level of enjoyment with the Magnetic Fields. Such amazing sound. AMAZING. Lol most of their songs with Lyrics that piss you off. Perfect for ‘screw it moods’ when you feel like dipping into that snide mood you hide from others as best you can lolz. Definitely worth its own topic though. Later. Wade through it for now; have to buy a new suitcase. American Tourister brand this time. It was cheaper then but you bought Swiss Gear for her so she didn’t have to see “American”.

It could always be worse.🧐

For you, it’s just a frame of mind; not a state of being. Go have a good weekend.

Never forget to be grateful for all the blessings you have. May God keep putting good people in your life to share them with. Now let’s change the mood.

Better. Glad someone had a great idea.

Dragoncon, baby. Let’s have a blast.😃

Lots of decisions to make coming up. Big week. Being tired at 11 is a good thing.

It’s so tough to understand Your Love, Lord. All of the difficulties we perceive in our infancy, no matter the decade… Our struggles… our pain… and you look upon all of us with Your love through every bit.

No matter what it is, the greatest pain we can experience on this earth whether we realize it or not is weighed against Eternal Life with You. Paradise the number of days greater than all the grains of sand on this world.

What we see seems so imposing. Often is for us because we are children in this world. Praying for the well-being of the mother of a friend of a friend who just learned of stage four cancer. Please be with her. And please be with her family. Discovering stage four cancer is pretty much an end if I’m not mistaken. So be with them all.

Hold them in your arms and share with them the knowledge that if we hold true to You, nothing in this world can truly hurt us. Because nothing is compared to coming Home to You. Nothing can compare to eternity Your love.

Please be with those who love me and those who hate me. Lead all of us to You.

Please be with me during this week where there are so many decisions to be made. From those serious in my family‘s choices for the future, The direction that work is taking, and my future in it, even to the silly call of whether or not to roll dice on going to Atlanta just to get away for a while.

Your fingerprints are all over our choices, leading us down through the decisions we make as You watch over us all along the way.

And when we make mistakes, like a loving parent you are there for us always. We ask, and You pick us up off the ground and help heal our wounds.

For me I ask always for Wisdom. Strength to live as You would have me. Drive to bring me closer to You. Forgive my trespasses, as I ask for the forgiveness of those who trespass against me. Forgive my failure to act as You would have me in the eyes of others.

Give me Your light so others see it through me. Please help me to get closer to you so I’m worthy. And with all of those hurting tonight.

There’s so much More.

So much we don’t see.

So many miracles, every single day.

Some we don’t realize until long after the moment has passed. Others we never realize.

So much that you do for us; and always there.

Thank You for drowsy eyes as a busy week approaches.

And thanks for the cats. 🙂

80s retro feel. 2000s sound. Love it. Just sweet. New projector works just nicely. Finally have some disposable income again. Not enough in time for Dragoncon, but you couldn’t go without what you’d built up in your mind this year would be like. Wanted to share things so bad. Lol, it is what it is.

It’s full speed ahead on all fronts but the one that’s almost always lonely anyway. Now’s not the time now though. Another long shot here or there, but it’s… going to be a while to get past the depth of what your heart had known.

New contract and Texas trips can be in the future. Never been there before. Google Streetview has it as flat as the ocean as far as the eye can see, lolz. Even the book sales are kicking in again. Dad loves entering. Recovering nicely.

45 and your first colonoscopy says no cancer yet, and money is finally emerging positive.

College Football looms on the horizon once more.

Feels like you might be getting out of a penalty box for stupidity, in so many ways. Measure criticism though. Make it valid but not harsh. You are who you are. Learn what you need to work on, and then do something about it.

Bucket full of small changes is starting to pay off. Back at it in the gym. You’d slipped a bit with all the sick and medical stuff, company at the house, etc but the weight stayed off… if that isn’t worth celebrating and get back in there you don’t know what is. 😃

Bible study was great. Grow, grow, grow. God will put pieces into place when you’re ready.

Full Speed Ahead… let Him lead the way.

Believe it or not, it’s actually slowly getting better.😂

You absorb wisdom a little better too.

Who knows, maybe there’s hope for you. 😂

Just a really good day. Frustrating to no end, but it all paid off in the end.

So grateful.

For so many things.



Probably have used that title before. Thank goodness you don’t really care whether you reuse them. Or the pictures. A million things that don’t matter.😂

The beginning of the old man stuff. 45th birthday meant scheduling your first colonoscopy.

Several months waiting and now it’s tomorrow. Low fiber for five days, no solid food today, and no food at all tomorrow until the (afternoon of course, lol) procedure is done. While taking stuff to flush out the system that makes the stomach feel like wondering whether cancer is that bad… 😂

Could always be worse. We really are spoiled these days. Honestly going two days without any food when all is said and done is actually just an inconvenience. If you want to go back in time, you don’t really have to go that far before running into a period of time where that was just a result of having a bad day at work.

Honestly a small price to pay to be able to take care of yourself when it comes to health. We live in an age where all of that’s just seen as an inconvenience instead of marveling at the monumental achievements that have been made in the medical profession. A fever was always serious 200 years ago. Today it’s just a symptom of something minor to be treated along the way.

It’s good to put things in perspective. 🤔

Don’t really know what to say regarding other events. At least not on an empty stomach. This is a place for your thoughts about all manner of things, but since you are a positive person in general, It will reflect that.

Seems everyone’s alright. Definitely a good thing. More tomorrows are always more opportunities to choose the path to fulfill one’s hopes and dreams, regardless of how things have been in the past. You are definitely trying to continue positive habits and leave damaging behavior behind. Hopefully others will as well, but your priorities have to change. Do what you’ve always done, get what you’ve always got.

No time like the present to try to use a potential upcoming midlife crisis. Begins with the ”getting old cancer screening stuff“. Keep working on yourself. Try to take advantage of the opportunities God gives you. Everybody’s wired differently, so consider how your mind operates, and understand that that’s a blueprint for any positive change you want to make.

Know your strength, weaknesses, and tendencies. What works and what doesn’t. A lot of disruptions right now with your Health and at work that are getting in the way of the rhythm you want to establish, so to navigate through them, you have to understand how you get sidetracked and pulled away from what you want to focus on.

But also know how you can be inspired in stupid ways and find a way to make use of your stubbornness as well. Never hurts to understand yourself better, so you can draw closer to better days you want to have.

Thank God for protecting those dear to you, and hopefully tomorrow goes well and you don’t have to worry about cancer for a little while longer.🙂

It’s fascinating how so many vastly different concepts and tones can be true at once. Sometimes Wisdom’s voice is sweet, and sometimes it’s downright stark.

Through Jesus all things are possible. Pray without ceasing. God will answer your prayers. It may not be what you thought, or wanted; but when it isn’t, there’s a reason why. Even if you don’t realize it yet.

Understand relationships with others. Be gentle and kind. If you want goodness in your life, you must reflect goodness yourself. Anger begets anger. Strife begets strife. It doesn’t work with goodness, love, etc though. They don’t beget themselves. We must embrace them. It’s always easier to destroy than to create. It’s easier to hate than to love..

We control ourselves. Our thoughts. Our actions. We choose what we put in our lives. If we have relationships with those of good character, they bear fruit. If not… hopefully we learn.

All of us are wounded by now. The best medicine is compassion. When you have so little, that’s when generosity can mean so much.

Of all the things you have ever told others, may this be what they remember. Yourself along with them, because you struggle just like everyone does. Truth. In so many ways. The most important advice in existence is to seek Wisdom.

If she was gone, you’d know. Whatever happened, she has yet another chance.

Thank Him. Pray she finds Him… and continue moving on.

Seek Wisdom. Heed her words. Heal. Be grateful for so much. Move forth.

Thanks for the cats.

And chances.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost, but now I am found

Was blind, but now I see.

May we never give up on Who would never give up on us.

May we reach out to Jesus; please save us from this place… and lead us Home.

When you miss her…count the number of spiteful things you said to intentionally try to hurt her.

Compare it to the number of spiteful things she said to intentionally try to hurt you.

Strive to avoid giving yourself to anger though. Mourn who she could have chosen to be instead. Just more appropriate; many reasons.

Anger doesn’t help anyone. Remember the good times. Never forget just how happy you were. Even if you do never love again, you had what you have always wanted for at least a short 90 or so days. Many people will never have that, no matter how many relationships they have.

Day 145. It’s still going to take a long time.

You still pray for her to find God. That’s enough for the past, though. God still has plans for your future, so don’t make old mistakes and let the past hurt you for far longer than it needs to. You tend to do that. 🤔

Settle your own anger. It doesn’t do you any good. Pops up every once in a while. Usually when you miss the good times and a part of you goes to the anger almost defensively. It’s not helpful. Just remember the good times, smile, and move on. You gave far, far too much for it to be easy. It’s a deep wound. Push forward. Grow from it. And if you have to voice it, just leave it in drafts.

Church was good today. Good road map for trying to resolve your issues feeling distant from God. Moving past what pastor called an amateur relationship with God. That’s exactly where you feel you’re stuck at and you need to move forward and learn how to swim in the deep end.

Dad‘s getting stronger. Going to help out in the store this week. Finally got another pallet. Looks great so far. Company got great big news last week and lots of wheels are finally turning. Big raise inbound. Bigger role. Won’t be in time to help you recover to make DragonCon, but just as well. You’d already emotionally invested that into her as well; it was either go with her or you both stay home. You didn’t want to go without her. No point. Now it’s neither.

And… back to fighting off anger again.

You’ll get through it. There’s never a need to fight a pointless battle; not for the sake of feeling better about yourself. Especially with someone who’s not here anymore.

Mourn… and Move on.

Start wading towards the deep end. Before you know what you will be 50. Act like it… but not without the positivity thats who you are.

It’s been a loud and crazy week. Tomorrow begins another one. So enjoy a good day of rest. The house was clean enough for company all week. Keep it up. It’s nice to have it presentable all the time. Starting tomorrow though. Just nice and quiet. Enjoying the silence. Great song but not when you can listen to during the day, lolz 😂

There you go. 🙂

All the same music. 😂

Rhythms that are threads in our lives, singing to us all because of the common fingerprints on each of us.

This one in every incarnation – through victory or defeat – seems to call to never give in, even when it seems hopeless.

Maybe because in the ways that Truly matter… it never is.

Strife becomes Challenge.

Scars becomes Armor.

Pain becomes the Past.

Carry On. 👊😊