They happen sometimes. 🤔

Be grateful.

This time you were a wrong number.

Not the best weekend. Certainly not the worst but outside of making it to church, you didn’t accomplish squat. The good news is that’s bothering you now at least. Thanks to trying to be responsible in case you had Covid you’re stirred clear of the gym all week until Friday. So naturally you made it a heavy day and ached Saturday and Sunday. It’s not like you had plans. But still.

You really did not want to go to church. You made yourself go and was glad you did. First verse in the service was in John 19 talking about the counselor you were just marked as having questions about. Nice little pat on the back, lolz. Behold the pure coincidences. 😂

Friday was the one hundredth day. Didn’t think to count until today. Definitely for the best. You screwed up and napped on the couch. Remember a few dreams. She finally wasn’t in one. Someone else was. No one you recognized.

Somehow You went back in time to what seemed like The 50s or 60s. Things seemed different but not that different. Simpler, but people didn’t look much different the way you would expect. Fashions, hairstyles, all seemed like they could go in many time frames. In someways it didn’t look any different, but it felt different and you knew you were in an earlier time.

You were at an after church lunch or something. You were there at the event with two or three people. One was a much older kind man in a simple suit. Tall, and thin, like people were in the 50s & 60s. The kind of man you would expect to wear a hat with his suit but he didn’t have one. Or maybe he was carrying it or head put it on the rack because he was inside. That had to be it.

You don’t remember much about the meal but you were also there with a woman with short light brown hair. For some reason she was very special to you. She was older but not as much. Maybe 60. Bizarre that that’s only 15 years your senior. It didn’t seem to be a romantic thing, more an intense respect thing. But there was something more to it. She wasn’t smiling, but you didn’t detect any anger per se. Didn’t come across as a motherly or sisterly figure. Now that you think about it there were some very vague resemblances to Granny, But only in temperament and demeanor. Didn’t look like her at all.

You left with her and felt good, having had a good time at the lunch. Then you asked her if it was possible for you to return to your time, and if you could, would she like to come with you. She looked at you as she kept walking and gave a cold smile that seemed like an answer. But in the sky, Three Boxes seemed to open almost like file folder drawers? No idea. Each had an answer. Yes, No, and No. Maybe you forgot one of the questions. Something that would’ve come first. Because apparently you couldn’t go back to your time, and she had no interest in going to it either. This actually seemed fine with you. Almost as if you would be happy here and it didn’t occur to you until that moment.

Recounting this dream 12 hours later; you’re shocked you remember this much.

It’s not like you associate anything about church with the 50s or 60s; this almost seemed like more of just a really positive community. Maybe associated it with simpler times.

You really looked up to the older man. Maybe in his late 70s early 80s? He’s no one you recognized either. In all honesty everything seemed exactly as it would be today; but it just felt like it was in the past. The only thing that even made it seem for sure was when you asked about returning to your own time.

You could be happy there though. That seemed to be your takeaway. There’s no point in trying to hunt for meaning; it’s pretty self-explanatory; and if you’re wrong, it’s not something you can figure out. It’s your subconscious doing its thing, whatever that is.

So odd that you remember as much as you do this long after. Whatever.

You have to wake up early in the morning for lab work. Could’ve handled it the other day if you hadn’t eaten breakfast. Have to fast.

Mom is still flattened by Covid/Bronchitis. Not doing well, but at least showing improvement. Aunt and uncle on dad’s side both have it too. Right when your uncle house is going to have to look at having a lung transplant because of COPD. When it rains it pours. Splashes in the water all around you from distant guns.

So tired.

10 steps forward nine steps back. Big week. Get some sleep. Dear Lord thank you for everything and thanks for the cats.

5 When daybreak came, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not know it was Jesus. “Friends,” Jesus called to them, “you don’t have any fish, do you?” “No,” they answered.

6 “Cast the net on the right side of the boat,” he told them, “and you’ll find some.” So they did, and they were unable to haul it in because of the large number of fish.

7 The disciple, the one Jesus loved, said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he tied his outer clothing around him (for he had taken it off) and plunged into the sea.

8 Since they were not far from land (about a hundred yards away), the other disciples came in the boat, dragging the net full of fish.

9 When they got out on land, they saw a charcoal fire there, with fish lying on it, and bread.

10 ““Bring some of the fish you’ve just caught,” Jesus told them.

11 So Simon Peter climbed up and hauled the net ashore, full of large fish — 153 of them. Even though there were so many, the net was not torn.”

⁃ John 21: 5-11

What is it about the modern mind that drives us to want to look up further meaning? Fun numerology games, Seeking more understanding. 153 isn’t exactly a standard number, so there must be something to it right?

https://hermeneutics.stackexchange.com/questions/890/what-is-the-significance-of-153-fish

Lol wow… maybe not. 😂 A creative mind can sure try to dig something up to create some symbolism, but if you’re gathering up fish to divvy up for food the first thing you’d do is just count them. So there were that many.

Why does everything have to be so complex? It’s a question for you since that was the first thing that popped into your head. Maybe because we are so used to thinking in 21st century terms. The point of the story is they couldn’t find fish until Jesus pointed out where the fish were and they cast nets there and found a big gob of fish. And for the busy brained, enough for 17 people to have nine each. Or 51 to have three each.

Skip over the actual miracle. Yeah, that’s 21st century thinking for you.

Dunno. Maybe there is a reason for the significance. The Bible does love its layers and layers that you can uncover in certain circumstances.

Pondery night. Medical issues abound. Mom has Covid. Can’t imagine Dad doesn’t. They’ve gotten as many shots as they can get, so they aren’t too worried. More worried about Mom’s bronchitis than anything else. She’s getting bit by that more often. You were with them Sunday and have a tickled throat, but the home test was negative. Wish you had it so they’d shut up and let you go up and take care of them. Will see how you feel tomorrow; you have another test.

Good news is your own issues don’t seem to be cancerous. Chance was low but as you get older you just don’t know what you’re dealing with and there’s always a little bit of panic when you find something worth panicking about. Scheduling a follow up just to be safe. Other than that, elevated blood pressure. As you do get into better shape that will help. It’s been far worse.

Since you’re responsible you’re staying away from the gym until you’re sure you’re good. But the good news is it irritates you. You may have finally formed that habit, lolz

Church was good Sunday. Need to remember to go back and re-watch the sermon. Just a lot to unpack. Peaked your interest, especially considering how growth, age and wisdom are weighing more heavily on your mind. Considering pastor’s on vacation and the associate pastor was up, it was good.

Wish you didn’t overthink things so much. Let things stew. You’re not the worst about it, but it does happen. Anger is the easiest. Wasn’t always that way. Decades ago creativity was what you couldn’t stop thinking about. Storytelling. Philosophies. Anything samingly other than what you went to college to study.

You miss that. You’re not gonna be around forever, and at the rate of your pickiness and rejection, you might end up spending the rest of your life this way if that’s what He wants. So might as well try to spend it with more creativity stuck in your head than anger. Definitely avoid the news.😂

More needless complexity, when God is really all you need. Proverbs 4. If there’s one thing you ever remember, it’s that chapter. Seek Wisdom.

Finally tired at midnight. Thank God.

And thanks for the cats.

Thank you for another beautiful stormy night. We finished the Book of John tonight with a fine cigar and a couple of fans. Garage is nice. Rain is good. I’d love to have a storm like this every night.

I’m sorry about the gym tonight. Forgot my shoes and didn’t feel like going back out. Had the energy to. Didn’t. I know. I went last night but it was a light night. Friday nights are so tough. No excuses though.

So many questions. Marked them in purple. Will have to research. Not counting the time, so you’re getting more than an hour. No need to thank me. 😂 Lol I’m so screwed if You have no sense of humor.

I want you to stop punishing me for my sins. That’s a mission statement; not a request; don’t worry. I need to sin less.

Jesus lived a human life without sin. It’s possible. And yet…for us? What does that mean? Yeah yeah… purple highlights for the questions. Like why was Pilate seen as a villain? He tried to save Jesus, but not hard enough? Wouldn’t that mean keeping Him from dying so we could be forgiven?

Whatever. Don’t care. It’s the nitpick details that don’t ultimately matter that hamstring us usually.

Getting closer to You means doing what I can to sin less. Not at all if this broken fool can, bit the miracle is in the Salvation – not accomplishing what can’t be accomplished.

The other night I stood it all upside down, and ironically it worked. It’s not perfect, but “if that’s what helps you” can often be a crutch when we need it to be. I know this from that day in 2000 when I thought I could make a deal with you.

What would piss off the devil? The one ultimately responsible for all the wrongs in our existence? Why hold anger at You when he’s the one that caused the problems? Why hold anger at others beset with that evil?

How can I piss off that jackass? And the words flowed far easier than I could have ever imagined.

Lord, please grant your blessings to those who have hurt me. Please continue to hold Crow in your arms. If my love for her had not been so deep, my anger at her for her decisions wouldn’t be nearly as deep either. Please be with her Frog. Give him the wisdom to be the kind of man who would choose to find You. To want to be a good steward of your word in her life. To help her fight her battles with You by her side. Give her the strength to call upon You in her battles. Lead them both to happiness in Your service. Please bless them both as you have blessed me, and may they both find truth, long life, good health, and happiness.

I don’t mean these words on my own. I can feel it. But as I pray for your grace, they flow like a River, and I know they are true. The way I’m supposed to feel.

On my own? No. You know what’s in my heart when You aren’t with me when it comes to anything regarding that situation. That’s why I know I’m wrong, and you’re right.

Forgive me for my anger. My flaws. Draw me closer to You. It’s going to be a while before I can purge it. But as with Flame so long ago, I will. Thanks to You.

May we all meet in Heaven with all of your children, and forgive me for when I forget it.

Storm’s gone. I’m sleepy. Please don’t let me dream tonight. Please give me a good night’s rest. I have a lot to catch up on at the gym. Among other things.

Thank you for tonight. It wasn’t so bad…

For a Friday night.

Nice stormy night. Love it when the wind blows strong and the trees dance to its music. Good time to do our hour.

15 “I do not call you servants anymore, because a servant doesn’t know what his master is doing. I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard from my Father.”

Good old Jesus. Never really understood the interactive relationship between God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. Then again entire books of speculation are written about that. The Trinity is one of those concepts that doesn’t fit snuggly into human comprehension; it isn’t exactly something someone would come up with if they were making up a religion.

Nor is the idea of going up and standing in opposition to so many aspects of basic human behavior. We love sex and violence, and western civilization prior to Christ generally followed the ancient Greek ideal that might makes right. Covetousness, lying, stealing, etc are all in our nature. Young children even have to be taught not to do them.

Beautiful bolt of lightning. Nice. Being in the garage with the door open is nice tonight, despite Bill and Ted’s complaints.

It’s funny that Your way almost across the board goes against almost every instinct we have, and yet when we follow and hold true to it, all else equal it leads to happiness, success, and bringing light into the world. That’s all over the book of Proverbs.

Between self-control, delayed gratification, being conscientious of the future and following Your word, The only problems we have seem to stem from others not doing that stuff.

Living frugally, working hard, and making good decisions has let the folks get to where they are now. Considering they both grew up dirt poor and barely made ends meet even after they got married, That’s pretty much the way to go. An amazing example I could never live up to. So I don’t have what they have. And I never really will because it’s not mine. It’s yours. Every blessing I have from you. Every dollar I earn, every moment of good health.

Had viral encephalitis hit a few millimeters differently in 1992 I would be a paraplegic. Or dead.

it’s important to take stock of all the things I have to be grateful for from time to time, especially if I’ve been complaining a lot about a few things that I’m not happy with.

Like seriously let’s pull out the ledger and run the numbers of how much I get to complain.

Did the gym earlier tonight. Did a light night. 500 cal cardio, no weights. In and out. Might try going more often and having light nights in between heavy nights.

Friday nights are definitely gym nights. At least they’re not getting worse. I wouldn’t mind chatting with some of the people there, but everyone seems to be in their own headphone world. All the women are on alert for guys talking to them, which makes total sense.

Face it. I just got spoiled. Tonight makes it three months. Almost as long as the amount of time she was here. Feels three times as long. She never seemed to have an grasp of just how happy she made me being here.

Why couldn’t she have just left it off with the email asking for no further contact? Why did it have to get vicious? Yeah, I know. At least that part I’ve encountered enough in the past to know why.

She’s still deep in the subconscious; I fell asleep on the couch last night for a while and the dreams weren’t far behind. Forgot what they were quickly enough, but it is what it is and this too shall pass.

Mind drifts off so easily when I think about her. Need to work on that. John 15:15.

Friends with Jesus. Jesus who went back to heaven and left the Holy Spirit behind. Always pictured the Holy Spirit as the one I can just talk to. Nice to come across the first that gives that a little reinforcement even if it’s Jesus I’m talking to. I don’t know; what are you looking at me for? Lolz

18 “If the world hates you, understand that it hated me before it hated you.”

Definitely feel this sometimes. Not enough to complain about living in this country at least. Not a lot of people take cheap pot shots at followers of Islam or Hinduism; sadly most of the ones who do claim to follow Christ.

I’ve never understood how people can be so angry at Christianity or Judaism for that matter. There’s so much goodness and giving, so many threads of our civilization we take for granted come from it. It’s really easy to grab a hold of some thing here or there and just rip it to pieces. Usually if it’s in the Bible it’s either missing the point or taken out of context.

Folks love their stumbling blocks though. I guess I can’t blame them to an extent; It’s natural to go after the things you disagree with rather than taking the time to gain the underlying foundations faith is built on first. Patience is a virtue. Our increasingly short attention spans make that really tough.

Not sure who the Counselor is in verse 26. Guess He’s talking about the Holy Spirit. Marked it to ask a question later.

Can’t help but find it interesting that I’m actually wanting faster change in my life. That might be a first, lolz. Well since I was a kid and wanted to be an adult because I had no idea what it was like to have to pay bills. 🤔

A lot’s going to be happening soon. Some of it might be good and some might be bad. The last three months have been an eternity.

Please help me keep my eyes on You. I’m getting your signals on Health. Just waiting to figure out a direction to go in, and to have a little extra money. I still have so much to pay down. Nothing I can’t handle though; knew summer was going to be tight. Grateful for a catastrophe safety net; tithing as much as I can each week.

Summer doldrums. But you can’t put a price on a warm, stormy night. The feeling of knowing you are slowly moving forward. Be patient. Most of the weight loss plateau is because your arms and legs are getting more muscular. Be conscientious.

I am getting closer to You. I ask for more focus. I’m smart enough to never pray for more patience. Oh that hurt… 😂

But yeah, I need more focus. maybe a nightly regimen or something. The hour a night is good but it’s being harder to stick to then I thought, mainly because my mind wonders. I don’t know.

Well now the storm has passed and it’s just light rain and crickets. And a couple of whining cats that went out here lolz

No idea where I’m going and I’m stumbling every day, but I’m so grateful for every Blessing. And I do feel things slowly moving in my life. Though I have no idea to what end. And I’m trying not going to leap ahead this time while seeing everything fall into place so perfectly.

That’s why you wanted me to read the book of Ezra. I get it now. I think a part of me always did. I guess it’s my job to make sure I never have to learn that lesson again. I could use some help with that too; still fundamentally an optimist. 😂

Thanks for everything, Lord.

And especially thanks for the cats.

Trying to. Not going anywhere. An hour a day is a good start. Though even the Garden of Eden before the serpent had a complaint.

OK good, you’re excited about burning 1000 cal a night at the gym. You don’t need to push past 1100 yet. Don’t wait till the end to do the weights either.

Stay off the couch at night. Move furniture around if you need to. But sit in the stupid recliner so you don’t doze off. You sleep light, Hurt your throat, remember your dreams, and aren’t much good the next day.

Sick of it. The longer she’s in your thoughts, the more you remember how she left your life instead of all of the love and joy she brought into your life. The only thing you have control of now is how you remember her, and you don’t want anger to be a part of it. You’re doing better each day but your subconscious needs to cut it out.

You say you want God to lead you. Good to hear. What does that mean? Try to be a decent person during the week and make Church on Sunday? Read a chapter in John when you remember to? Sure, talk to Him here and there. Good job, genius.

Do what you’ve always done, get what you’ve always got.

Until you have any better ideas, One hour a day with Him. Not chatting while you’re doing something else and getting distracted. Read. Listen. Pray. The deep kind on your knees with your eyes closed if that’s what it takes.

You want genuine, real, positive change in your life. Something to push you forward. For a while you had that – someone who was strong where you were weak – but you don’t anymore.

Redevelop your focus. If you want to listen to hymns while you’re on the treadmill, that’s fine. Bible videos maybe not because it’s easy for the mind to wander. Figure it out. One hour each day. Don’t care what.

Transformative positive change isn’t changing your frame of mind; it’s changing your state of being. You know very well there is only one way to do that, and that is to Seek Wisdom.

Dad‘s surgery scheduled for July. mentally he’s already in planning mode just in case. Lawyers. Financial planning. Wanted your opinion on some things for after. Told him to do whatever. If you got more than you needed, it was going to charity. He said he was glad to hear that and asked what charities. He just loves planning so he wanted to put them in there. Maybe it was a test. Who knows.

You wanted three. They’ve already got the first one – local food bank – on their list. You know the animal society, and trust them. You were thinking about habitat, but heard some things and want to do more research. If not you’ll find something else. The third will be a faith-based crisis pregnancy center. If habitat doesn’t pan out maybe the second will be an adoption agency.

The next few years are going to be a roller coaster. Well, another one. Don’t sell yourself short; you’re making a lot of positive progress and things are going to take time. You’re doing the things you need to be ready when certain times come.

You’re finally starting to feel warm with God again from time to time. You know that’s the only way to get what you want to go.

So get closer to God. Every day let Him lead you. Get a new hobby. Something fast. Look at paramotoring. You’re close enough to middle-age to go ahead and have your crisis. 😂

Now wind down and get some rest. Have some positive momentum going into Friday night. God knows how much you loathe them.

But end on a good note. 1100 calories. 😃

Dream better. Whenever you can get to sleep that is.

Whatever aching you has passed. Friday was good. Almost a nine hour solid day of catching up at work. Another thousand calorie day at the gym. Getting a good sleep before church tomorrow.

Had a good day today with the folks. Took them to see Top Gun. First time you’ve been in a movie theater in five years. Great movie; worth the wait.

The dream is the one thing that still eludes you. Won’t forever. Let God lead you.

Be grateful for all you have learned. Get closer to Him. Have fun tomorrow.

Insomnia is a bitter foe. You’ll win eventually tonight. Hopefully 🤔

You kinda had a feeling it would be.

Last week was really good. Huge success at the gym. On track with reading the Bible with Lady, accompanied a lot at work and got a nice bonus.

You’re pretty sure you’ve come down with something. Just a sore throat and so little energy. Just enough to drain you and keep you from work and the gym. You fought through it enough to get the basics handled at work each day, but recognize that it’s probably the usual monkey wrench thrown at you the second you develop positive habits.

The dreams continue. You had to say goodbye twice. Having to say it over and over in dreams is becoming tiresome, all part of a rough week though. Nothing you can’t eventually get over. You’re a lot more mature than you were the last time your heart got hurt this way.

You’re far more irritated about where to go from here than the past. Things always fall apart just when you think you’ve met someone great. Nothing much you can do but realize you’re not going anywhere successfully without God leading the way. The last possibility suggested reading the book of John together. Well she’s not interested anymore so you’ll just read it yourself.

When you are right with God, He will open the next door. So get well, then get back to work. Back to the gym. And consider the latest hurtle leapt over.

Next week will be better. 🙂

Just so tired.