You feel like you’re close to some dreams you used to have elements of in the past. Expansive spaces, and isolated pockets within.
Always “felt” the idea of a place In the middle of a massive bustling city high in the sky. Giant windows seeming to cover an entire wall with an expensive vista below you. A lot of neon lights. What seems like flying cars. Maybe cyberpunk influences… maybe a reflection of something else.
But this place both is and isn’t a part of the city. It’s right there in the middle of the city, with the sprawling metropolis in front of you, but the expansive apartment it’s self is isolated. Maybe even invisible? To the rest of the city. They have no idea you’re there. And there’s plenty of space. Everything a modern home needs, and more. It’s ‘cozy’ but not small, almost like it’s a safe haven in a sea of chaos. Anything you want, you can order. The world can be on fire outside that window and it would not affect anything inside this place. Pull ice out of Specifically shaped ice trays and put them in glasses of clear, bubbling liquid. Lights below illuminate the bubbles. At least you found something in real life to do that, lolz
You don’t live here, even in your dream. Maybe it’s a place you own, but this is not your home. At least your main home. It’s a refuge. A sanctum. The city has no specific feel of familiarity. It’s almost a stand in for the world of large. And you have one amazing isolated pocket to hide out in with everything you could need.
You aren’t alone. No idea who else is here, but you care for her. You don’t see her but you know she’s there. Thankful to have this pocket of refuge just as you are. It’s familiar and yet not. Almost like it was left for you. But yet it’s yours.
The video was perfect visually but too reliant on the sound of rain and not an ambient sound that soothes from underneath.
So many sounds good fill this role but that’s almost cliché necessity that leads you to Vangelis’ Blade Runner themes.
You’re just visiting this place. Whatever it is. It feels transitory and yet not. So soothing and relaxing though. You’re not a fan of huge cities, so it’s interesting this is so enjoyable.
Seems almost related to some of the dreams you have about roads going up and over and interrupted. Immense indoor hotel lobbies with lots of friendly people.
1 “The sayings of King Lemuel contain this message, which his mother taught him.
2 O my son, O son of my womb, O son of my vows,
3 do not waste your strength on women, on those who ruin kings.
4 It is not for kings, O Lemuel, to guzzle wine. Rulers should not crave alcohol.
5 For if they drink, they may forget the law and not give justice to the oppressed.
6 Alcohol is for the dying, and wine for those in bitter distress.
7 Let them drink to forget their poverty and remember their troubles no more.
8 Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed.
9 Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice.”
Such a great chapter to lead you in the direction you’re supposed to go in such a great chapter to lead you in the direction you’re supposed to go in. The first part is about what you need to strive towards. The second part is about who you’re striving to find.
But if there’s one thing you have learned, it doesn’t matter who she is if you aren’t who you need to be. That isn’t a mistake you’ve only made once; you’ve never been who you need to be. Don’t beat yourself up; no one ever is.
You constantly work towards it… or you don’t. Some people have the luxury of finding their Proverbs 31 mate along the way, each complementing strengths and compensating for weaknesses.
And, well, looking at the time, that’s not going to be you. So keep building. Brick by brick. It was OK to miss the gym in a week after you’re recovering from being sick. Mom and dad are both back from Covid, and you’re thinking you got a false negative, but you kicked into high gear later in the week and accomplished a lot (finally it seems) after a rough start to the week.
Somehow you did not regress weight wise during the week despite missing the gym, which feels great. Don’t ask yourself why just accept it, lolz
Mom‘s birthday is Sunday. She’ll be 39 again. Finally you’re having a little extra money so nice flowers at the shop Bill came from. Dad‘s spinal surgery next week. You’ll be there all day Wednesday to help since Mom can’t lift much anymore.
Reaching out to God on your own is tough. But it’s clear that you have to cross some sort of threshold to keep going forward in the positive ways you want.
The first part of Proverbs 31 is the kind of man you need to want to work towards becoming. King Lemuel, whoever he was, was raised by a wise woman who taught him well how to run his kingdom. Considering every person has their ‘kingdom’ in a sense, it’s beyond applicable.
You’ve tested yourself to make sure you don’t have a problem with alcohol, but in the context of the verses, It seems to apply to a lot more. Overall responsibility and putting yourself in a position where you can be of benefit to others less fortunate.
Ostensibly that’s what you’ve been trying to do repeatedly for the past few years and failing.
Every.
Single.
Time.
Whether it was the epitome of the one you’d been waiting for, platonic concern for a friend and her daughter, or anywhere in between, you have tried so hard to try to encourage others to recover from their darknesses. To push for positive changes in their lives. To encourage them to be happy, if not give everything you have within your power to give to see them so.
Celt… Crown… Flame… Crow… You keep trying to help others. None wanted to have happier lives enough to actually justify the time, energy, prayer, stress, money, or anything else you put on the line trying to help them find more. All wallowed in or returned to their cesspools of drama and pain; at least the ones that survived.
You want to improve yourself. No one else does. Even if this isn’t the case, it must be the truth as far as you’re concerned, because you obviously just don’t know any better. So be the one that actually learns the lesson you claim you swear by.
Alright, enough. Can the cynicism. Sure it’s okay to be depressed; you’re not gonna be here forever and you just need to regain your passion. Would be nice to know how long though. 🤔
To that end, try to stop thinking about other people. It’s counterintuitive, because at first glance it seems selfish. But you need to fix your eyes on God. Others make their decisions for whatever reasons, and must deal with them as you deal with yours.
Focus on finding and getting closer to people who have their act together. Focus on building your spiritual relationship. Sure, it’s harder than it used to be. What are you going to do about it? 😂
Work on yourself. Now is definitely the time. You love encouraging others, but you need to have a lot stronger of a foundation if you really do care. Find others to help encourage you.
King Lemuel was said to have learned he needed to be there for others on God’s terms – not his own. All you want is to encourage people; you’re not trying to “save” anyone. But you need to learn to let God guilds you – not rely on your own intuition.
If you want a Proverbs 31 woman, you have to be a Proverbs 31 man.Stop wanting. Start becoming. And then what happens will be better… no matter what. 🙂
Poor guy. Think he was a red shouldered hawk. Big one. Big enough to have claws as big as a cat. Just laying there dead in the road leading to the house last night.
Hate that. Beautiful majestic animal; seeing it like that. Was probably sick; not sure how such a powerful bird would be hit by a car otherwise.
Was so tired last night. Didn’t have much energy but you weren’t gonna let it lay there in the street. Just like you did when you found the poor cat just 100 feet further down, at least you got it out of the road. Not really sure what the protocol is; it’s not something you’d thought about.
He was still there where you’d left him when you came home from work. Big, hooked beak and eye open facing up. So wish there was something you could do to be able to let it fly once more.
You suck at helping people too, so don’t sweat the hawk.
Sore throat been on all day. Energy levels are very off and on. You felt fine yesterday, but you might have something after all. Mom is almost back to normal from Covid and bronchitis, so now Dad tests positive for Covid right before the week he supposed to have spinal surgery.
Not a promising start to the week. Church was good Sunday; sermon was on identity. What are you if you were in a completely unfamiliar land. You take notes furiously while listening to try to keep working on your cursive and to use as a memetic device to absorb things better.
Until you figure out what’s wrong with you healthwise, the gym is on hold. You felt fine yesterday after a negative test earlier in the week so you can’t beat yourself up too much over church. Everyone’s eventually going to get Covid at some point so there’s no point freaking out about it.
Asked a friend randomly for the next book to read after John and someone suggested James, so that’s the plan. No idea what it’s about, but you mentioned how it’s being a harder to reach out to Him right now; like you almost have to force yourself to do it. It’s like yeah you already know X, Y, and Z; sure, etc.
All that means is that you’re supposed to be reaching out. In the past you were younger and more emotional and now that you’re older and wiser He’s not going to reach out in that same way anymore. Why would he reach out the easy way? That’s for starters. Now it’s your turn to reach for Him. You get it. Because when you take the time to, you feel it.
A relationship with Christ is not a casual thing. It can be at some stages, but as you develop, you don’t need “signs” (for lack of a better word). By now, you know He’s there and He loves you. So now it’s your turn.
And you are, so that’ll work out in time.
Mourn the hawk. It’s okay. Keep reaching for God and it really doesn’t matter what kind of week you have. Accept what you must and move forward.
Sullen mood. Could always be worse. Not sure where it came from; had it most of the day. Missing church yesterday didn’t help. You haven’t been spending the time each day with Him you had planned to either. So what else did you expect?
Filling your mind with His presence helps the mood at least. Better than dwelling on negative things.
Better. Not sure when this one became a favorite.
You really need to figure this out. The sleep thing ebbs and flows. And you’re on an ebb. You don’t like holding patterns anymore. Stomach feels heavy of rot and disgust.
Good. It’s good to not like the feeling you aren’t moving closer to God. You got a lot done last week at work if nothing else; it’s not like you’re standing still but it’s good to feel like you need to push yourself more. Spiritually, physically, professionally. Makes sense all three won’t have progress all the time, so be patient- and not – at the same time.
Good solid nights of sleep were the norm for a while but now they’re not. Deal with it and stop making excuses. Things are going well for the company and you need to be more of a part of it. There’s reasons to be calm and then there are times to be motivated.
Let God motivate you. You know where the sullenness comes from. You don’t need a miracle; you just need to hold true. Look at the bright side – four day week. 🙂
So get a good nights sleep and make it a good start…
Not the best weekend. Certainly not the worst but outside of making it to church, you didn’t accomplish squat. The good news is that’s bothering you now at least. Thanks to trying to be responsible in case you had Covid you’re stirred clear of the gym all week until Friday. So naturally you made it a heavy day and ached Saturday and Sunday. It’s not like you had plans. But still.
You really did not want to go to church. You made yourself go and was glad you did. First verse in the service was in John 19 talking about the counselor you were just marked as having questions about. Nice little pat on the back, lolz. Behold the pure coincidences. 😂
Friday was the one hundredth day. Didn’t think to count until today. Definitely for the best. You screwed up and napped on the couch. Remember a few dreams. She finally wasn’t in one. Someone else was. No one you recognized.
Somehow You went back in time to what seemed like The 50s or 60s. Things seemed different but not that different. Simpler, but people didn’t look much different the way you would expect. Fashions, hairstyles, all seemed like they could go in many time frames. In someways it didn’t look any different, but it felt different and you knew you were in an earlier time.
You were at an after church lunch or something. You were there at the event with two or three people. One was a much older kind man in a simple suit. Tall, and thin, like people were in the 50s & 60s. The kind of man you would expect to wear a hat with his suit but he didn’t have one. Or maybe he was carrying it or head put it on the rack because he was inside. That had to be it.
You don’t remember much about the meal but you were also there with a woman with short light brown hair. For some reason she was very special to you. She was older but not as much. Maybe 60. Bizarre that that’s only 15 years your senior. It didn’t seem to be a romantic thing, more an intense respect thing. But there was something more to it. She wasn’t smiling, but you didn’t detect any anger per se. Didn’t come across as a motherly or sisterly figure. Now that you think about it there were some very vague resemblances to Granny, But only in temperament and demeanor. Didn’t look like her at all.
You left with her and felt good, having had a good time at the lunch. Then you asked her if it was possible for you to return to your time, and if you could, would she like to come with you. She looked at you as she kept walking and gave a cold smile that seemed like an answer. But in the sky, Three Boxes seemed to open almost like file folder drawers? No idea. Each had an answer. Yes, No, and No. Maybe you forgot one of the questions. Something that would’ve come first. Because apparently you couldn’t go back to your time, and she had no interest in going to it either. This actually seemed fine with you. Almost as if you would be happy here and it didn’t occur to you until that moment.
Recounting this dream 12 hours later; you’re shocked you remember this much.
It’s not like you associate anything about church with the 50s or 60s; this almost seemed like more of just a really positive community. Maybe associated it with simpler times.
You really looked up to the older man. Maybe in his late 70s early 80s? He’s no one you recognized either. In all honesty everything seemed exactly as it would be today; but it just felt like it was in the past. The only thing that even made it seem for sure was when you asked about returning to your own time.
You could be happy there though. That seemed to be your takeaway. There’s no point in trying to hunt for meaning; it’s pretty self-explanatory; and if you’re wrong, it’s not something you can figure out. It’s your subconscious doing its thing, whatever that is.
So odd that you remember as much as you do this long after. Whatever.
You have to wake up early in the morning for lab work. Could’ve handled it the other day if you hadn’t eaten breakfast. Have to fast.
Mom is still flattened by Covid/Bronchitis. Not doing well, but at least showing improvement. Aunt and uncle on dad’s side both have it too. Right when your uncle house is going to have to look at having a lung transplant because of COPD. When it rains it pours. Splashes in the water all around you from distant guns.
So tired.
10 steps forward nine steps back. Big week. Get some sleep. Dear Lord thank you for everything and thanks for the cats.
5 When daybreak came, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not know it was Jesus. “Friends,” Jesus called to them, “you don’t have any fish, do you?” “No,” they answered.
6 “Cast the net on the right side of the boat,” he told them, “and you’ll find some.” So they did, and they were unable to haul it in because of the large number of fish.
7 The disciple, the one Jesus loved, said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he tied his outer clothing around him (for he had taken it off) and plunged into the sea.
8 Since they were not far from land (about a hundred yards away), the other disciples came in the boat, dragging the net full of fish.
9 When they got out on land, they saw a charcoal fire there, with fish lying on it, and bread.
10 ““Bring some of the fish you’ve just caught,” Jesus told them.
11 So Simon Peter climbed up and hauled the net ashore, full of large fish — 153 of them. Even though there were so many, the net was not torn.”
⁃ John 21: 5-11
What is it about the modern mind that drives us to want to look up further meaning? Fun numerology games, Seeking more understanding. 153 isn’t exactly a standard number, so there must be something to it right?
Lol wow… maybe not. 😂 A creative mind can sure try to dig something up to create some symbolism, but if you’re gathering up fish to divvy up for food the first thing you’d do is just count them. So there were that many.
Why does everything have to be so complex? It’s a question for you since that was the first thing that popped into your head. Maybe because we are so used to thinking in 21st century terms. The point of the story is they couldn’t find fish until Jesus pointed out where the fish were and they cast nets there and found a big gob of fish. And for the busy brained, enough for 17 people to have nine each. Or 51 to have three each.
Skip over the actual miracle. Yeah, that’s 21st century thinking for you.
Dunno. Maybe there is a reason for the significance. The Bible does love its layers and layers that you can uncover in certain circumstances.
Pondery night. Medical issues abound. Mom has Covid. Can’t imagine Dad doesn’t. They’ve gotten as many shots as they can get, so they aren’t too worried. More worried about Mom’s bronchitis than anything else. She’s getting bit by that more often. You were with them Sunday and have a tickled throat, but the home test was negative. Wish you had it so they’d shut up and let you go up and take care of them. Will see how you feel tomorrow; you have another test.
Good news is your own issues don’t seem to be cancerous. Chance was low but as you get older you just don’t know what you’re dealing with and there’s always a little bit of panic when you find something worth panicking about. Scheduling a follow up just to be safe. Other than that, elevated blood pressure. As you do get into better shape that will help. It’s been far worse.
Since you’re responsible you’re staying away from the gym until you’re sure you’re good. But the good news is it irritates you. You may have finally formed that habit, lolz
Church was good Sunday. Need to remember to go back and re-watch the sermon. Just a lot to unpack. Peaked your interest, especially considering how growth, age and wisdom are weighing more heavily on your mind. Considering pastor’s on vacation and the associate pastor was up, it was good.
Wish you didn’t overthink things so much. Let things stew. You’re not the worst about it, but it does happen. Anger is the easiest. Wasn’t always that way. Decades ago creativity was what you couldn’t stop thinking about. Storytelling. Philosophies. Anything samingly other than what you went to college to study.
You miss that. You’re not gonna be around forever, and at the rate of your pickiness and rejection, you might end up spending the rest of your life this way if that’s what He wants. So might as well try to spend it with more creativity stuck in your head than anger. Definitely avoid the news.😂
More needless complexity, when God is really all you need. Proverbs 4. If there’s one thing you ever remember, it’s that chapter. Seek Wisdom.
Thank you for another beautiful stormy night. We finished the Book of John tonight with a fine cigar and a couple of fans. Garage is nice. Rain is good. I’d love to have a storm like this every night.
I’m sorry about the gym tonight. Forgot my shoes and didn’t feel like going back out. Had the energy to. Didn’t. I know. I went last night but it was a light night. Friday nights are so tough. No excuses though.
So many questions. Marked them in purple. Will have to research. Not counting the time, so you’re getting more than an hour. No need to thank me. 😂 Lol I’m so screwed if You have no sense of humor.
I want you to stop punishing me for my sins. That’s a mission statement; not a request; don’t worry. I need to sin less.
Jesus lived a human life without sin. It’s possible. And yet…for us? What does that mean? Yeah yeah… purple highlights for the questions. Like why was Pilate seen as a villain? He tried to save Jesus, but not hard enough? Wouldn’t that mean keeping Him from dying so we could be forgiven?
Whatever. Don’t care. It’s the nitpick details that don’t ultimately matter that hamstring us usually.
Getting closer to You means doing what I can to sin less. Not at all if this broken fool can, bit the miracle is in the Salvation – not accomplishing what can’t be accomplished.
The other night I stood it all upside down, and ironically it worked. It’s not perfect, but “if that’s what helps you” can often be a crutch when we need it to be. I know this from that day in 2000 when I thought I could make a deal with you.
What would piss off the devil? The one ultimately responsible for all the wrongs in our existence? Why hold anger at You when he’s the one that caused the problems? Why hold anger at others beset with that evil?
How can I piss off that jackass? And the words flowed far easier than I could have ever imagined.
Lord, please grant your blessings to those who have hurt me. Please continue to hold Crow in your arms. If my love for her had not been so deep, my anger at her for her decisions wouldn’t be nearly as deep either. Please be with her Frog. Give him the wisdom to be the kind of man who would choose to find You. To want to be a good steward of your word in her life. To help her fight her battles with You by her side. Give her the strength to call upon You in her battles. Lead them both to happiness in Your service. Please bless them both as you have blessed me, and may they both find truth, long life, good health, and happiness.
I don’t mean these words on my own. I can feel it. But as I pray for your grace, they flow like a River, and I know they are true. The way I’m supposed to feel.
On my own? No. You know what’s in my heart when You aren’t with me when it comes to anything regarding that situation. That’s why I know I’m wrong, and you’re right.
Forgive me for my anger. My flaws. Draw me closer to You. It’s going to be a while before I can purge it. But as with Flame so long ago, I will. Thanks to You.
May we all meet in Heaven with all of your children, and forgive me for when I forget it.
Storm’s gone. I’m sleepy. Please don’t let me dream tonight. Please give me a good night’s rest. I have a lot to catch up on at the gym. Among other things.
It’s Not a Frame of Mind 