Dreyma

Lately you’ve been having some. But you don’t remember much. Common themes and elements. Almost just feels like you’ve thought about something recently even though you don’t really remember it. Probably just sleeping on the couch listening to Dreyma Music you have recently discovered. There’s no order, so you will attempt to frame a common theme as best you can.

A feeling of age, yet youth. A beautiful world where the sky is as your imagination can make it. Warmth, until you’re in the mood for a calming breeze. Endless fields of hills, verdant, tall grass. Clouds of orange hues. Sky like a painting of morning in a world seemingly out of Tolkien. Beautiful. Indescribably, infinitely beautiful. And empty.

You are young. Maybe 19. But there are no worries, no fears. you’re pretty new here. And yet you’ve been here forever.

In this vast beautiful wilderness, you feel familiarity. Peace. Love. You can’t put your finger on what it is.

A couple of people your age are nearby. You either just realized it or they approached. You know them. A guy and a girl, roughly the same age you appear to be. Maybe that two you dreamed about long ago as a kid with you playing games in the world between what will be and what is, just waiting. But it might be two other people.

You play. Run around the fields. Your house is nearby. At the top of the hill. In the midst of the valley. You’re not sure where to put it. You just know it’s here somewhere. Well you’re not sure if it’s yours but it… is.

You’re thankful to see other people. In this infinite beauty, there’s this sense of loss. Where is everyone?

You’re capable of wondering. You’re capable of loneliness. You’re still new here though. You hear a baby’s laugh on the wind. The breeze is warm, cool, crisp and soothing. The laughter echoes for a few seconds. Nothing seems to happen but so much… feels like it does. You bathe in the light of the warmth. Comforted in every way you can imagine. Perfect health. Forever young. And yet… so empty.

Must’ve been from a different night only a fleeting thought in a fleeting dream. Maybe a small town. Not that many people. Very sparse. In this place what might be a rural town of only maybe 200 people. Big enough to have a gas station. That size. Maybe a dozen people you see. People. There’s so much more here though. Almost like the grass and trees… like each one of them listens, smiles, and embraces. But you can’t realize that yet. That’s after the fact trying to piece it together. Still you see maybe a dozen people. Like they’re having a parade. OK maybe there are a few more. Came out of their houses. Near town Square. Parade is only a few cars. Everyone here is like you – young. Vibrant. Carefree. But physical descriptions just could never describe anyone. The two others you started out with you think are here but you’re not sure. No one‘s in a hurry but you. Slow down. You realize how old these people are. And they all seem young. So much familiarity but you don’t actually know anyone here.

All of this seemed so brief. Like you spent the day in a moment. And still so empty. The people know how you feel. They smile. Feel the comfort that surrounds you in this place. It helps.

Why is it so empty? Maybe you’re simply on a tour like the protagonist in The Great Divorce. In Heaven we wouldn’t have eyes to see. Ears to hear. Lungs to breathe. Houses to own. Most of all though we would not know unhappiness. Even how to be unhappy. Where is Saint Peter at the gate? Where is Jesus with a warm embrace? Where is God on His throne of light?

Is this only what your imagination can conjure? If so what is the emptiness? How can there be any? Is this because you were good enough to go to Heaven, but somehow can still know emptiness?

Is it sadness? No. It’s just that feeling of emptiness all around you.

There was a movie a few years ago where the protagonists were a mother and two children living in an old house. They kept having mysterious encounters with people they could barely perceive and then one day it dawned on them that they were ghosts. And the terrifying ordeal finally came to an end when the family interested in buying the home they died in chose not to. And so the woman and the two children huddled together at the end, not knowing where to go or what to do, merely staying in the house, saying together “This house is ours. This house is ours.”

it’s like that but on the other end of the spectrum. The emptiness may be the feeling of all that you are leaving behind. What would there be to worry about like we worry about everything here? A soul freed from a body. How would it hear and see for the first time? How would it perceive the world around it? Especially if that world is as fantastical as what the imagination can conjure when it comes to Heaven… which you could even feel was merely your own consciousness trying to process what cannot be processed.

Are you close to death? Hope not. There’s a lot of things you need to get right with first.

So many Christians call themselves saved. It’s something you’ve always wanted to be able to feel but something held you back. Almost like a desire to not bank on that and keep working towards being Saved. Which… you didn’t really do that either. Part of you is really worried. But salvation doesn’t come from works. It comes from the sacrifice of Jesus. It feels cold where you are. You need to get warm again. And you’re trying so why isn’t everything happening?

You don’t know what to make of anything. You really hope everything is just your subconscious mind hearing beautiful ethereal music in the background as you slept and painting you a picture to dream to.

Maybe it’s just empty because it’s so vast in your mind. Maybe it’s because you can only see a couple things in the world that can’t even be seen with eyes.

Updating the will isn’t a bad idea. You have no reason to assume you’re going anywhere anytime soon but no one ever does.

But if you do make it to Heaven… don’t bring this crap there. 😂 You need no burdens. Get closer to God. It’s cold out here. You don’t feel that energetic push. Find it. And in the grand scheme, it’s not going to be long. Based on averages, 34 years? It’s going to fly by… assuming you get anywhere close to that long.

This music is so good. Maybe you can visit again tonight.

Distance

Please don’t be upset at me.

You were right about us needing distance. I care about you and want nothing more than for you to be happy. Have the kind of happiness I wanted to give you. Breathe freely from anxiety, pain, anger, and fear.

My emotions are chaotic. They will be for a while, though I am dedicated to changing my life in all manner of positive ways; physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally.

I have been blessed with happiness for 45 years, but time between December 6, 2021 and Match 16, 2022 was literally the happiest time of my entire life. I was building something with the woman I truly loved. And everything I had I wanted to be yours; most of all, my future. Full commitment.

Still no regrets for any of that. Just the chance alone to build a future with a woman like you was worth far more pain than I’m going through now. I never want you to forget that – not for my sake…

I want you to know your worth. To know you can be happy… and there is no excuse for you not to be. To know that you don’t have to be a slave to resignation, anger, ennui, or anything else that might plague you. I could not fall in love with someone that wasn’t meant to shine as vibrantly as the stars you grew up watching.

That kind of happiness; that kind of Vibrance… isn’t something we deserve. It’s something we can have, if we choose to. God gave us all the parts to build our lives into. It’s up to us to decide what we build. We can embrace vibrance and build a Ferrari, or embrace resignation and get by with a Ford.

You and I need distance. But only distance. I ask that you not sever. And I promise I won’t.

Remember the Truth, my beautiful and beloved Nif. There is so much Truth. One piece of it is that I still (literally) dream of you constantly. Until that changes, you’re right. We need distance. Another truth is that you will always be sacred to me.

A third Truth is that I wanted this to be short, so I will leave things here. You will never be ‘just a friend’ to me. Forgive me for anything I’ve said to make things difficult for you. I have never wanted to do anything but encourage your Vibrance.

Love always,

Regs

Missing.

Sending it tomorrow since you get paid tonight. She needs it. Money is tight but costs at at least are a little more fixed with the meals instead of grocery.

Not a drop of alcohol in nearly 3 weeks. A month? Can’t remember when you decided to make sure you didn’t have a problem. Now it’s just calories to avoid.

Motivation is nothing without discipline. A lot of aspects of your life need to have the screws tightened. Jumping headlong into challenges at work but it’s always contingent on whether or not you got a good nights sleep… which is beyond hit or miss.

Trying to improve yourself; fighting your tendencies as best you can. Driving in more at work, but it’s hard sometimes. Forcing yourself to go to church. Awkward. It’s been so long you don’t really know any people there. Fitness and nutrition might be the easiest time you’re having… And there you’re impatience is already in play.

The folks went to Hilton Head and you could tell they really wanted you to join them. The entire time you would have wished she had been there to share it with though so, you stayed home.

Words cannot express your disgust at this point with being the third wheel after you had finally felt complete. Can’t help but feel like it was stolen from you. Both of you. Because it was. If she could only feel your thoughts. There would never be anything to argue about. When you held her hand to your chest and it seemed like she could. She knew you. And still….

You wonder what she thinks about you. If she thinks about you. She seems upset with you, but in a really different way. It makes at least trying to meet someone new easier for you, but you know who you were meant to be with. No matter what instability made you question along the way, you knew it with every fiber of your being. Still do. No wonder you’re having difficulty processing everything. There’s literally no way it makes sense to you. None.

Flame’s gone. You’d made it clear at Malleable that night that you were burning her, but Crow didn’t care. And that was fine because that’s what commitment meant. Leaving behind those who bothered the one you cared about. Put out an apology, but blocked everywhere and no mutuals; just like you knew it would be. Celt offered to reach out, but you said no. You’re fine keeping her at arms length too.

Good news is that’s for the best. Most of that was a huge mistake; you’d spent so much time with Flame on vid chat watching Netflix and YouTube; you became a huge part of her life. Made her laugh, cheered her up. Just hate people leaving your life upset with you. But, that will be the end of that story.

You feel more alone than ever. Trying as hard as you can not be bitter. You’ve not had to struggle with that in a long time. But the answer is always there. Pray. Smile. Laugh. Be grateful. Work on yourself.

Bitterness can suck it.

Trust in Him. Force yourself to go to Sunday school and church. Keep going to the classes with older couples. All you want to do is find a single woman your age you could be with, but no – keep seeking the Wisdom of those you look up to. That’s what you need right now.

Force yourself to do this meal plan and Gym. Keep goals reasonable. Meet them and then see if you can do more. Find something to do on Saturdays. If you need to cry, that’s what Friday nights are for.

Outside of God as the priority, might just try to make your life revolve around work for a while. Start tearing it up there. Start making tons of money again. Then get a crazy hobby like sailing or paramotoring.

Now try to get some sleep. You’re still on an emotional roller coaster and you will be for a little while. Just get some sleep.

Pray that both of you actually learn whatever God is trying to teach you.

That is literally the most important thing in the world right now.

Arise from the Dungeon

Translation by https://lyricstranslate.com/en/toll-dubh-dungeon.html Original Gaelic: https://lyricstranslate.com/en/runrig-toll-dubh-lyrics.html

Behind the locked door, there’ll be no sun

For feasting

There’ll be no food or wine

Behind the locked door, there’ll be no sun

There’ll be no food or wine

It’s high time we arose from this lethargy

It’s high time we arose from this lethargy

We, Gaels in bed

We, Gaels in sleep

It’s high time we arose from this lethargy

He came from England

He came

On speeding horses and with a heavy key

He came from England

On speeding horses and with a heavy key

It’s high time we arose from this lethargy

It’s high time we arose from this lethargy

We, Gaels in bed

We, Gaels in sleep

It’s high time we arose from this lethargy

Deep down in the dungeon, there’ll be no sun

* * *

Insomnia. Such an invigorating day, beginning with an actual good night sleep, going in early to work and put out fire after fire… ending at the gym ahead of schedule there too.

Insomnia will slow you down. Sleep is so unpredictable now. Tomorrow will be rough again.

Have Faith. The Holy Spirit leads when you are willing to follow. Keep taking charge and walk the path He has set before you. Discouragement at inconveniences need not sidetrack you. Arise, and meet the challenges of the day.

Arise and fight on. Lethargy doesn’t become ye. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

Progress

The PT wellness appointments are almost over. Simply cost too much to continue more than one or two additional sessions. But focusing on overall wellness plan might just be worth it – this time.

Yeah, you say that every time. Different strategy this time though. Well it’s always a different strategy. Just trying the same thing over and over doesn’t work.

Going against conventional wisdom this time – trying to take your own advice. Was PT guy’s idea. Be easy-going with low expectations. The inverse of every idea you’ve tried so far.

Cheap gym on the way home. 45 minutes max. 10 bucks a month. With your slightly later schedule Limiting it to 45 minutes could put you home by 6:30pm. Light exercises that you were shown, no difficulty over “7 out of 10”. Deadlifts. Bench presses. Three sets of eight. Just do enough to feel some thing and take it easy. 20-25 minutes of cardio. treadmill. cycling. And the good old rowing machine you used to love getting on.

No massive ambitious gym plan, no spending money you don’t have. Make it easy. 3 days a week. It’s on the way home. Pack clothes in a bag ahead of time so they’re already in the car. Traffic won’t be bad.

Build. Positive. Healthy. Habits.

At night you don’t have the mental energy for cooking on your own. Don’t get ambitious. PT guy uses healthy local meal delivery service. 12 meals a week. Cooked. Delivered. Easy for when you don’t have any interest in taking the time to make something at night.

The first ones arrived today. Portions are probably going to be too small. Supplement when needed with salads Crow introduced you to. Watch the dressing.

They aren’t cheap, but these days compared to what you would spend for 12 meals at the grocery, it’s almost even money.

You hit the gym twice last week. Would have been more if you had worn better socks and not blistered your feet, but it’s fine. The real work starts tomorrow.

Scale is in front of the fridge. Record number each morning. Just take a picture. Monday Wednesday Friday 45 minutes on the way home. Delivery meals seem pretty good. Can up the amount to more if they keep working out so you can just nuke lunches.

That actually might just be the way to go. They’re actually pretty good. And a big enough variety might make it a decent long-term prospect.

The key is not to put too much pressure on yourself. So much is mental. Mondays will be the hardest for obvious Monday reasons. Fridays will be the easiest for obvious Friday night reasons.

The easier it is to eat healthy and exercise, the more likely you’ll stick with it. You don’t need to have a major paradigm shift in the way you eat like keto, and don’t need to plan on being at the gym until 8 o’clock every other night. 

Crazy as it sounds it might work. Only one way to find out. You’re just tired of it. And now you have more motivation than you have ever had. But as with all things, motivation is temporary. Meaningless in the long run. Discipline is what matters.

You know you will be tested. You’re going to get into a groove. And then you’re going to get sick. And you’re going to skip a day. You’ll get back in and then there will be a meeting or something. The rhythm will be disrupted. One thing or another will happen.

If it happens this time? No worries, just go tomorrow instead. and if tomorrow is a Knogo and if tomorrow is a no go? No worries, just go the next day. No pressure.

Just go when it’s convenient. It’s not that big a deal. It’s nothing you need to build up in your mind is something you need to worry about spending hours at the gym with a lot of physical effort an activity – it’s just 45 minutes. On the way home. And you’ve got food at the house ready to just reheat in 10 minutes. 

It’s the exact opposite of the way you operate RE: health. It just might work.

Church is a different story. First Sunday school back downtown. Sanctuary open and the new buildings will be ready to go soon.

Something is off though. You really don’t know that many people, and the vibes you get seem… foreign. Your weekend sleeping being terrible probably has something to do with it. The fact that you don’t really know that many people but enough people know your name when you have forgotten theirs makes everything awkward.

you’re going to the class led by the guy that lead your last Sunday school class; it was a suggestion but you honestly don’t remember how you ended up there. Nowadays almost everyone there is older than you and a married couple. Your first thought is maybe you need to find a group more your age, like the singles group you used to be in.

Somehow you instantly know this is not a good idea and you just need to be there and absorb wisdom. Where you are in your life right now you need to steer clear of relationships. The second you get around anyone you might have the potential to ask out, that will be your mental priority and it is really really not time for that. Fight the tendency. Learn. Absorb. Listen to older and wiser people. Marinate yourself in the world of happy and successful people.

No one there needs to listen to your “wisdom” right now. That is an insecurity and it’s okay – so long as you admit it. 

Be humble. Smile. Keep quiet. Listen. As soon as you become a trusted regular again, The foreignness will improve.

Don’t rush in. Relax. Set basic standards. Approach the goals you wish to accomplish. Be reasonable. Don’t even worry about losing weight or gaining true wisdom yet.

Just do the work. Be conscientious. Make it easy to do. Use guardrails and accountability to hedge against regression.

No alcohol for two weeks now. Nearly 2 weeks? Whatever – you’re not counting. you’re really not concerned and are absolutely certain you don’t have a problem.

And the easiest way to prove it is to do so. You are conscientious enough to recognize the situation for what it is. Going dry for a while was your idea. Don’t make it a big deal. Wait until you are satisfied and just take it easy. Then again those are a lot of empty calories.

And now you’re just rambling. Go to sleep. Put the mask on first. Really big week incoming. Folks are at beautiful Hilton head Island. Spending lots of money, thank God. 😂

You don’t feel much direction right now. The wind is not on your sails. But you trust the current. The Holy Spirit will lead you. 

Get some sleep. tomorrow, you begin to make things happen.🙂

Crow

Will miss your posts. Care so much about you and always will. If you decide to start another account in the future, I’d like to follow your thoughts once more.

Otherwise, as always, be well – and know you are loved – just so loved – far more truly than this world could ever reveal. 🕊🙏🐬