Tired.

It’s alright to be tired. Never give up on the beauty and vibrancy of Life.  Maybe just a change of pace is needed.  Reinvigoration. There is so much out there to put a smile on one’s face.

So much.

Ennui does not become us. 🙂

Dating

Still not interested in it are you? You really need to get over that and at least try to force yourself out there. Dating while hurt was easy; this isn’t. Honestly you wouldn’t mind so much but it’s just so tired from having to go through the same getting to know someone, etc. oh yeah sure it’s fun, soon as you find someone you feel interested in starting all over again with, but that involves time consuming development of trust and love and intimacy…  yada yada… you don’t want to have to dick around with all that again at this age you just want into the damn clubhouse.

Holy crap what would you do with a stable woman anyway, given the struggles you keep having. But wow that seems nice……

The Celt tried to explain to the Flame what you were looking for in a woman and ironically it is the exact same thing you were 20 years ago. The more time you spend with Flame, The more you come to realize you have actually grown since then. Her? 41 years old and still doesn’t have a fucking desire to have a car. She doesn’t work, cook, or do much else and very little is expected of her. In fairness her kids are all teenagers so some of that pressure is off but you can easily tell that she gets zero respect for them because she doesn’t really do anything. Maybe she cleans; you don’t know. you are trying to inspire her to be more in her life, but you know very well how the logical conclusion of that goes. Maybe she can find some independence, but deep down even if you ended up together you would effectively be a caretaker and not have a partner in life.

Fascinating that 20 years ago she was everything. But nowadays you flat out honestly need someone who actually understands what to do with a W-2. Sadly that’s as harsh as it is true.

You know that some distance is going to have to happen there. If she gets caught there are all kinds of problems for her. She would have to have alimony to survive, or some other guy.

Not your problem. So go find a problem. Hopefully a cute one that will want to get to know you and fit you into her life. 

You’ve finally started to get impatient with this jaded stage of your life. Bout time. hopefully that can be motivational… 🤔

All while continuing to pretend there is no elephant in the room… 😕

Really?

You really have to give them credit. It’s taking you a little bit but you see what the deal is. Areas where are you are strong? You never really thought you’d be attacked there. You’ve tried to shore up your weaknesses and you realized that no you’re not as strong as you thought you were in some places.

Oh, you’ve fought off chronic depression over and over again and the joy of your life shines through it every time.

And actually now that you see what they’re up to? Honestly you have to sarcastically give them credit for daring to try.

Spring of 1994. Kelly Jacobs; your first crush. You did something stupid because you were young and stupid and in love and she chewed you out in front of the cafeteria – rightfully so in retrospect but you don’t remember specifically what it was…

You were hurt, so you cut school to get away and drove to a secluded place just to agonize over it and do some self hating. Saw a piece of glass on the ground and picked it up and looked at your wrist.

“This is what I’m supposed to think about, right?” Even in that moment the absurdity of it was enough to put a dent in your self-loathing and give you a brief giggle.

You have a mental block against suicide; always have. not only have you never considered it, you don’t understand how anyone could consider it absent bizarre circumstances like beneficiaries or heroic last stands in history, etc.

It’s just flat out dumb to try to attack you there.

So…

…What’s with the mood lately?

* * *

You’ve said it yourself – you feel like you’re just kind of… here.

No purpose in life. You were supposed to be married with some kids like 15 years ago. And thoughts drift through your mind like… all you need to do is outlive mom and dad so they don’t have to bury you, and… why does there need to be anything else?

There is no point in experiencing anything amazing alone. None.

And if you have waited so long to find that woman… searched so long… only for her to say no… there goes that.

The idea of a relationship with anyone else is tantamount to keeping them company until one of you dies. That’s not living. Not passion. Not love.

So why bother worrying about lifespan? About what you eat? About sleep apnea? About all that stuff that might be slowly killing you?

The world is getting sicker by the day. You have no idea how decent parents even try to protect their kids from such a twisted culture that’s actively trying to ruin their innocence.

You watched the cold war end and the Soviet union collapse Only to now have almost an entire generation brainwashed into believing collectivism will somehow magically work “this time”, and traditional values be stomped on by a culture that demands conformity of thought.

You would be a fierce guardian for a few children in such a world.  insistent upon passing values of goodness and decency; of kindness and virtue – and still by the values of a loving God, instead of those of activists who demand suspension of reality for the sake of their feelings.

So no partner in life.

No children to raise to make the world a better place.

One of these days you’re not gonna be able to get Adderall, and based on what has happened to the Celt, There’s not much you can do besides barely tried to keep a simple job without it after 27 years.

What is there to look forward to?

At this point? Only Heaven. And even then you don’t want to feel presumptuous.

Just outlive the folks. Start working on getting your affairs in order so you make sure what you have goes to the church, and your best friends’ kids.

That’s not suicide. It’s just not trying so hard to stick around when you have no reason to and would rather go home. 

* * *



Seriously – can you believe that shit?  WOW, you’ve got to admire the guts  of the great jackass of Hell to take a shot at you where your armor is the strongest.

Of course it’s the damn same thing. And fuck that bastard; you see what he’s trying to pull… 🤣🤣🤣

It’s pussing out on trying to make the world a better place with whatever tools you have. You have no idea what is going to transpire during this  accelerating second half of your life. But whatever happens, your life belongs to you – a gift from God - and hell if you’re gonna let them win. 🤣

You’re the one that is actually happy when you’re depressed – truly a gift brought about by being so thankful for what you have, and desiring to make the world a better place somehow.

I mean you’re not going to just stop eating bacon and go vegan to live as long as you can just to piss them off, even though that actually is the first argument for veganism that appeals to you. 😊

Nah.

You have no idea how long this funk is going to last. All you know is that you’re not gonna puss out like that.

What you need to do is realize that even where are you are strong… elements of darkness that seek to harm you and those you care about will try to exploit you.

You’re not as strong there as you thought you were. But that’s all right. So long as you realize it and see through what’s been going on behind that darkness, you can tell it to have a glass of GFY.

So OK… what do you have to live for?

Hell if you know. 

But now you can always fall back on “just to piss them off.” 😊

Now get some stuff ready for a fun New Year’s party tomorrow night… 🥂😁🥳