Never would have thought a November 18 would be a return to bitterness. 20 years to the day since nothing short of a miracle happened in your life, and for the first year since, you have anger in your heart. Nothing about Nov 18 changed. It’s still meaningful. What has changed? The aftermath.

For years, you thought she was an antagonist you’d defeated. She abandoned you. You did the right thing and she did the wrong thing. You overcame the depression the wound deepened in a spiritual experience that you can’t describe as anything other than a miracle. Such a satisfying narrative isn’t it?

Well now where are you? Yay, you got your piece of paper. But since you did the “right” thing, you aren’t a father. You never got married.

YOU of all people. You who’d dreamed of marrying little Kelly Jacobs all the way back in the 2nd grade, and who held a passion for romance and finding “her” ever since. You who… *knows* you were put on the planet to treat a woman you loved the way Dad treated Mom for 45 years. You wanted kids too, but they came with the dream – they weren’t the dream.

But what you would give to pile the wife and kids to go to a summer vacay in Washington DC like your dad and mom did when you were a kid. Or to Orlando to see JFK space center and Disneyworld. Or like every Thanksgiving still is. Along with every Christmas where are you do your best to act like a kid to at least give your parents reminders of memories of your childhood since they won’t ever see grandchildren.

And even that would be fine, but for the splinter in your soul. You’ve truly only been in love with two women in your life, but that damn splinter…. has driven you to hate. Hate the way the way that their “choices” treat them.

Whether it’s not wanting to spend the money for a spouse to be on their fucking health insurance, or a parasite lying about fucking having cancer to win an argument and get a free ride, you are absolutely sickened every fucking night you sit home alone while disrespectful pieces of shit get to disrespect the women you’ve loved every fucking day.

There’s no way in hell a guy can respect a woman that always takes him back no matter what he does. There’s no way in hell a guy can respect a woman that’s afraid if she gets a job he’ll just take all her money for his “bills”.

Guy. Not a man. A Man is what your dad is. If mom wants something he works his ass off and gives it to her on a silver platter.

Now how the hell is it selfish to want that??????

Along with a fine little fuck you that both of them say they dream of you being happy in the arms of the other one. Oh yeah, that makes it all better. 😒

And you stare bitterly at the past; how the hell could that ever be a thing? You don’t get to have kids; The other guy stole her just long enough to trap her and she won’t leave for at least another four years. Spent their 20th anniversary at a fucking Japanese steakhouse the night before because he didn’t want to ask off a weekday.

Then you stare bitterly at the present; how the hell could that ever be a thing? Takes a real fucking self-destructive person to throw a deadbeat out and get back together at least 10 damn times and thinking things are ever going to change. Answer is always the same, some “he’s just the one” mystical horseshit connection so she can avoid giving a tangible reason for being so fucking stupid over and over again like she was still in damn high school. And God help you if you upset her because she’ll just send you more pictures of them screwing or her shaving her cooch getting ready to fuck him literally just to hurt you.

Hell yeah you’re fucking bitter. You got torched good enough the first time to shut your heart down. Salvaged something amazing out of it And desperately clutch a hold of it as tightly as you can because it’s the closest thing to an actual accomplishment you have.

And…..nope! Not even a year in and she regretted everything. Too late. Locked in with kids. Oh well. Oh what might have been had you just fucked her brains out like you had been doing like she wanted before her preggo scare and you’d begged God for more time.

But no! You are a good little Christian and did the right thing… So now you get to fucking suffer…

And then over a decade later you find the woman that could literally bring completion to your life. Who was chaos where you were order. Who was Yin when you were Yang. Who was north when you were south. Who was left when you were right.

Who was your other half… in ways you were more certain of than you were of your own existence.

But naw. Just because reasons. Reasons that are absolute bullshit and you know it.

So what’s the point? What’s the point of being the man you want to be? For the woman you love… whoever the fuck she is? Keep Holding to your truth and you’ll die alone, idiot.

Take a deep breath. Now another. And another. Breathe. What’s a Man trying to be a good Christian to do?

FUCK ALL, THAT’S WHAT.

Spirits of Darkness. Of Fear. Of Hate. Of Loneliness. FUCK YOU and everyone you’ve ever heard of.

We live in a world so screwed up that you can be banned on Twitter for complaining about some freak dressing their kid in drag for a tranny dance off, and you want to hear what’s rebellious?!?!?

When loving your fellow human beings who are made in God’s image just isn’t enough? Go fuck yourself.

You wanna be rebellious??? Standing up for what’s right in a fucked up world is what’s rebellious. Standing up for what’s wholesome. What’s healthy. What’s responsible. Yeah *that’s* the act of defiance these days.

Bring it, motherfuckers. I ain’t that kind of Christian. Not anymore.

I don’t even care anymore. Haven’t checked match.com in over a month because I just don’t give a shit. The woman I love has decided I will die alone. Fine. Maybe God will deliver me from my enslavement. Maybe not.

All’s I know is as I look back on my life, I’m an entitled piece of shit if I have ANYTHING in my heart but Thanks. Why? Because FUCK YOU that’s why.

I desperately want my other half in my life. But I don’t deserve jack squat and thank God I’m wise enough to know it.

May she find happiness. If not from me, then someone far better. Who truly loves her. And who will at the very least fucking take her to Hilton Head for their damned 20 year anniversary.

And please purge me of my anger, Lord. It does not become me. I cannot help those I love so deeply if I hold it in my heart. And that’s all I have left. Which means it’s more important to me than anything on earth.

Now let me get some damn sleep. Well, if it be your will. Amen.

And if not… God bless YouTube and five hour energy tomorrow.

Way. It. Is.

This is the 20th anniversary of a true miracle in my life and all I can do is complain.

Please forgive me. And any blessings give to them instead. If I can’t have meaning, then get this shit over with.

In Your way. Not mine.

Blessings for all.

Good night.

Leave me alone for one week, chaos. Just one fucking week. So many people I’m trying to be there for. I don’t really have any other purpose. I get it. But please just one fucking week off.

And you know what – if not? Bring it.

Apparently I asked for this. Let’s have it.

🤣🤣🤣

https://youtu.be/xuZA6qiJVfU

Who’s gonna tell you when
It’s too late?
Who’s gonna tell you things
Aren’t so great?

RIP Rick Ocasek. Ever since I was a kid, you gave me some of the best sounds of the yearning to find her. I would sneak my Walkman into bed and listen to WNOK’s late night love songs and dream of her.

35 years in… and I still keep failing her. 😔

I wish I didn’t even care anymore.

True sigh of relief.

Life.

And he’ll be all in. Supposedly.

So thankful.

You’ll have a screaming infant for a while, but the best outcome. The literal best outcome you can imagine. If it stays that way. Prayers every day.

And prayers for thanks every day.

Thanks that you can actually change. Grow. Move on from the past.

18 years ago, you secretly sighed with relief, knowing you could argue for life without fear because it was a lost cause – but you knew it was a lie deep down. This time… you would have have had it in you. Under even worse circumstances.

Still so many hurdles. So many things that could go wrong.

But one single splinter has been stuck in your soul for so long.

You can now finally forgive yourself for being so full of shit years ago.

All the stress of 2019….. but finally you can let your biggest wound heal.

Thank you, Lord. So much.

New rug has been Billed…

What do you believe in? Light? Happiness? Joy? Being there for others? Taking responsibility for your actions? Things you know God wants you to be. Generally it’s easy to know because they require more effort than the things you’d want for yourself.

As for others, you have zero control over their actions; and that’s as it ought to be. And then, every once in a blue moon, you get outright blindsided by something.

You gave the Celt and her daughter a place to stay. Wasn’t easy, but you were happy to help. You’ve needed help before and others helped you, and she didn’t have anywhere realistically to go. There’s places she could stay, but nowhere she could actually live until she got her situation together.

And now, she’s pregnant. Out of nowhere. Not yours, of course. Married businessman she once had a relationship with long ago, rekindled out of nowhere ironically not long after your own Flame found you. Infidelity would cost him everything. Apparently he’s just off the hook.

And now…..that……. question.

She has no job. No more savings. No home of her own. She’s not in the right place in any way. The father can’t do anything to help without endangering his livelihood and family. She’s already struggling to take care of her seven-year-old daughter. The only friends and family she has… are likely thinking along the same processes.

You might be the only Voice she knows to advocate for that young life.

And if she chooses life, you’d be insane to think you would not be volunteering for some semblance of responsibility.

You’re not even romantically inclined with her. It’s not your kid. It’s none of your business. You were just trying to be nice and help out a friend by giving her a place to stay until she got back into work. Even her first daughter she had as part of a “coparenting” deal, not a marriage.

That became giving a place to her daughter too. Now this? With everything else in your life that’s going on now?

Crow would think you’re crazy. But this is who you are and what you stand for. You don’t know what to do. You’re not even certain how much of this is actually going to affect you. But you care for others.

Best case? She gets a job quick and is able to pay rent until she gets her own place quick as she can.

Worst case? You actually finally get to be sort of a father. Something you have wanted your whole life.

This is who you are and what that means.

But for your own sake… ensuring your legal protection is in order.

After that… let’s see what life is going to throw at you next…

Fork.

Whatever.

Bring whatever you got. 2019 is the forking time… 😊

When the guns fell silent.

Take caution at the battles you fight. Some scars can last over a century…

It is taking its toll. On your health. The time you have left. The body you have that will one day become a prison. The slings and arrows of life. Ironic isn’t it that sometimes those of death seem preferable to some?

Some people believe the key when reaching this understanding is to blaze away their lives in glory. Pack as much as they can into what they have left.

Others seek to maximize every minute. Eat healthy, stay healthy, live healthy.

So what’s best? On one hand, you really guess it comes down to whether or not someone has children. So if no kids, go crazy?

Think like you were taught to think in college – the last time you actually were as smart as you thought you were…

Maximum revenue when factoring in taxation, cost, or any two components – balance.

9 x 1

…8 x 2

……7 x 3

………6 x 4

…………5 x 5

………4 x 6

……3 x 7

…2 x 8

1 x 9

If you want the most, it’s balance and 25.

In all things, balance yields the most benefit. Seeking to maximize the joy in one’s life and maximize the life one can be joyous.

So how do you do that? Balance.

By grounding yourself into something more important than just you, and holding true to it. What’s fascinating is that you will soon find that the numbers…. change…

Then at some point you’ll discover that 7 x 3 slowly becomes 8 x 4… because of the prosperity of being grounded in the light.

Seems boring, doesn’t it? It’s not. It’s sustainable Joy. It doesn’t have the rush of being Cinderella… but true meaning and fulfillment mean so much more in the long run.

Just like avoiding sugar, your taste buds slowly adjust and vegetables taste better… avoiding the darkness makes the light even warmer.

The Crow felt emptiness in her journey after taking a skewed detour down roads she has already been down and abandoned for good reason.

You truly want to be closer to her. Now, that there is finally a tinge of some familiar, unexplained feeling twinkling like a distant star from the far northwest…

But she is keeping quiet. You know why. She said she’s going to be talking to a Catholic priest about God. Mind-bogglingly good news, despite how bizarre it seems. 🤔

How you wish she could sit down with Marshall from your church. Or Dean. Or Lizzie. Not you though. You had your chance. 😔

Doesn’t matter. You still have to be prepared. Armored. Damn, you wish you could’ve done more.

But you became unbalanced. 25, Atreyu. 5 x 5. You’re just not getting enough out of 8 x 2.

All you’re getting is 160 / 100. And freaking idiot it’s time you actually start caring about that kind of stuff.

Sustainable Joy. 25. Then make both numbers bigger. And add them to someone else’s if you ever find…well, forget that part.

You’re past halfway to the grave.

Please learn balance before it’s too late.

One is always around the corner… 🙂