It’s not your fault.

You can hide. You can stew. You can find other things to fixate on.

But you’re still in love with her. And there is a reason why things are happening even now. Despite the frustration, anger, and worse… you still love her.

July 7th, 2019 was the happiest day you have had since the day you walked across the Cistern. Twenty-Five years to the day since your first date with the Flame, just being with the Crow, finally taking her on that date you’d waited for so long…

It was nothing – nothing – short of magical. You just cannot comprehend how things turned out, beginning two weeks after you got home. Even as you saw it coming yet again.

Since then… something changed. That unique connection you couldn’t explain… gone. You ‘feel’ (‘sense’?) nothing from up there anymore. Maybe it’s just dormant. Maybe not. And honestly that’s fine.

You don’t know what to make of the experience that Tuesday night a month or so ago when praying. But that and the Celt’s words are why you still remain.

Damn, you need a release. Keeping it bottled up… is taking a toll.

For now… just be there, Atreyu. Just be there. And Trust in His Words that spoke to you that night.

Be there for her. But leave her be. Until she can remember what makes her so beautiful, it’s just for the best…

Ren Fest

Flame still burns brightly it seems. Beyond excited to join you for a Renaissance Festival visit without anyone in her family knowing. She wanted to go alone with you but you know better.

The Celt and her little girl will be chaperones, though the little one won’t have a clue. Celt is fine with it. Much as you ought not to be, you are too. Thank God for the Celt.

You’re not a jerk; let’s see if you can prove it.

Things elsewhere are slowly stabilizing. Work really has picked up at a perfect time to help keep your mind away from wounds taking a long time to heal.

Aside from neighbors instantly going from being fine for eight years into insufferable nosy busybodies overnight thanks to the Celt pressure-washing in a bikini while you were at work, you haven’t faced much additional stress lately as you slowly try to recover from the last two months.

She is beyond junky and it is annoying, but she promised to take care of things and needs very little stress herself right now, so it is causing you to be more organized on your own – something you needed to work on anyway.

Funny how God does stuff like that. Always in the background, throwing balls of stress at you that – if you handle them the right way – lead you to significant benefit down the road.

And if you don’t? Well, whose damned fault is it? Yours – because you’re not a narcissist.

It’s been an extended period of anger and frustration; easily the worst since your arrogance cost you your home 13 years ago. But ironically as dark as things have gotten, the light deep down just won’t let it consume you.

That doesn’t mean you’re not daily in a mood where you feel it’s best to keep some pushed away from you; Then with some things you’re just trying to figure out what to do with long-term.

On those fronts anger (and worse) is not subsiding. That’s worth some concern, because anger is a terrible companion.

So yeah, be carefree for a while. All this is preparation for something bigger coming down the pipe just like it always is. And you’re going to be thankful that you’ve been tested.

So work hard. Enjoy the little things. Pray for guidance. Take responsibility for your actions. Don’t fuck a married woman. You have one week and one day before Ren Fest. Just get through it.

What’s the Point?

Your words. Not mine.

Your words. Not mine.

Please. Your words. Not mine.

Mine are poisoned by bitterness, frustration, and disappointment. Last spoken words of mine she heard were “You can’t!” before I hung up on her for the first time.

Out of frustration or cowardice; doesn’t matter.

Your words are of loving advice, empathy, and healing. I physically felt them for only the second time in my life a few weeks back and I still don’t know what to do with that.

How do I be honest? How can I be? Honesty leads straight to very short conversations ending in anger just to protect egos, and no one needs that.

Please Give me Wisdom.

Don’t know what for.

Don’t even care.

No idea what the point is.

Don’t need to.

I just don’t know.

I don’t know anything… other than that it truly matters.

Amen.