What’s the Point?

Your words. Not mine.

Your words. Not mine.

Please. Your words. Not mine.

Mine are poisoned by bitterness, frustration, and disappointment. Last spoken words of mine she heard were “You can’t!” before I hung up on her for the first time.

Out of frustration or cowardice; doesn’t matter.

Your words are of loving advice, empathy, and healing. I physically felt them for only the second time in my life a few weeks back and I still don’t know what to do with that.

How do I be honest? How can I be? Honesty leads straight to very short conversations ending in anger just to protect egos, and no one needs that.

Please Give me Wisdom.

Don’t know what for.

Don’t even care.

No idea what the point is.

Don’t need to.

I just don’t know.

I don’t know anything… other than that it truly matters.

Amen.

Tristesse


When you need to mourn for so many things.

Feelings.

Regrets.

Losses.

Paths not taken.

Those you miss.

Let music do the mourning for you.

So you have the choice in its tone.

Let it take you in, and seduce you with memories so fond, then drag you into cacophony of emotion.

And once more find yourself, and the balance you need, to feel joy and pain as one once more.

Remember the folly of youth, and the ecstasy of those that made you feel young when you no longer were.

Was there meaning? In anything?

Of course there was… don’t let yourself be a fool.

One day, if you’re lucky, you will be an old man at the twilight of your life, looking back on how you chose to spend the time you were given.

If you must mourn, mourn only for what’s gone – not for what you’ve lost…

For what’s gone – not what you’ve lost…

Spirit

I, I need some young blood
Come Friday night
Bring on the big flood
Like September’s coming on
Summer won’t be back for long

Hey, let’s start a big fire
Let’s shake it up
Let’s try to burn brighter
There’s no one here to catch our fall
No one here to hear us call

Tonight, this dirty September night
We’re stuck out here
You’re caught in the starlight
Running through these empty streets
This city’s built for you and me
Running through these empty streets
This city’s built for you and me

I, I know that the road’s long
It lingers on
And Lord knows it’s uphill
Seems like you’re not getting anywhere
You give up just before you’re there
Seems like you’re not getting anywhere
You give up just before you’re there

Hey, don’t lose your spirit
Feel all alone
But it’s there if you need it
Seems like you’re not getting anywhere
But don’t give up you’re almost there
Seems like you’re not getting anywhere
But don’t give up you’re almost there

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/caesars/spirit.html

Met her in late November. You never got to see her on a September night in the starlight…

Maybe… just maybe… it could have worked.

Please let her be in a good place.

Celebrate the good times. Mourn the bad. Quit being crushed. Say goodbye tonight. This dirty September night.

And tomorrow… carry on… don’t give up, you’re almost there…

…Still… almost there…

Chaos

I asked you for help. This is not what I was expecting.

You crushed my soul with the Crow, and added insult to injury over and over and over again. There’s no way in hell I’m actually going to be opening up to her anytime soon. Just wouldn’t do anyone any good.

You gave me someone to save in the form of my Crown, and you went and let her kill herself. Maybe because I didn’t fall in love with her, I didn’t go all-in trying to save her. Then again it seems that there has been a proven track record of me not being able to save jack shit for a very long time now.

I am really not taking her loss well. No one I’ve ever been with has died before. I still can’t believe she’s gone.

Now you present to me a chance for revenge on everything that caused me pain to begin with two decades ago.

The original piece of shit. The one that set the tone for everything that I have grown to despise as an erstwhile honorable gentleman.

The rat bastard I swore that I would forgive for me to enjoy that fairytale that I keep telling of how I graduated college.

And because I’m too lame to have a wife and kids on my own, double down on the one event that is the extent of my accomplishments in this world…

Yay.

So what would you have me do, Lord?

We both know I don’t hate him anymore. That was the price I had to pay for the gift I sought.

But then I learned – after so long – to truly hate again. An absolute piece of lying filth that the most beautiful and amazing woman I have ever known simply refuses to discard even though he’s using her and slowly poisoning her life and she’s too fucking stupid to care… even when she knows better…

Is this why you’re punishing me? And now giving me the chance to take out monumental levels of frustrations on the jackass from 20 years ago that I had to forgive? I don’t need that temptation…

You and I both know exactly what’s going to come down the pipe with the Old Flame. Spoke with her on vid, heard her voice for the first time since that night I let go of her hand after holding it as long as I could on May 14 of 1999.

She’s miserable. Starving for intimacy. Had it not been for the mistake that I made with the Crow I would have a defense against her. Now I’m looking at not having much of a problem with certain thoughts and that concerns me. She isn’t happily married but she is still married with children.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. Probably something stupid. I just don’t care anymore. Honestly don’t have any desire to hurt anyone, but I still have plenty of frustrations to take out if I’m not careful.

I’m done. Just lead me through this period of life as fast as you can, and do what you can to help me make as few mistakes as I have to.

Too much is going on. I don’t even want to be in a relationship anymore. And I haven’t even fucking been in one.

No I’m not forgetting my infinite blessings. I’m just frustrated. This is the biggest hole in my life and it just never gets any damned better.