Bring me peace…

I’m so tired….

So tired…

Everything you ever dreamed of.

Everything you have ever waited for.

Finally No one else is in the way.

You remember her words like they were yesterday… “If it doesn’t work out this time… I’m your girl”.

It literally took your breath away for a second. And yeah, you are used to The Crow changing her mind. It’s always been one of the difficulties in reading her.

And obviously she seems to have changed her mind now… and you understand why given the circumstances.

And you can’t count on anything. It’s not like she is going to announce a long plan to heal, accomplish X, Y, and Z just prepare to be with you.

That would be Amazing, but come on…get fing over yourself… 🤣

If you lived there it would be different. A few months ago your parents even told you not to worry about them and if you loved her…to go. But that was before the hospitalizations.

And you flat out can’t do that to them. You don’t deserve this magnificent people. Sure everyone has parents but not like them. Endlessly compassionate. Frugal yet Giving. Hard-working and simple. Understanding and encouraging. They have done so much for you it is unfathomable to leave them now when they need you. And Mom could not make it in Canada.

They’re older and when they’re gone… you will go anywhere if she wants. Canada. Colorado. Outer Mongolia. She will have given so that your Duties could be met; she will have earned the right to decide where you will spend your future years together.

There is some anger there as well. The folks are a reason. Not wanting to move because you’ve already moved somewhere once is an inconvenience.

If she moved here you would sell your house so you could get her a suitable house for her shop. No-brainer; it’s just a house. She’d be everything.

You’re not going to give up your faith, so you really don’t have any right to have expectations of her changing her views.

Of course there is the obvious desire for her to share your faith – That’s what any Christian would want for any non-Christian. You’d do your best to be an advocate – which means respecting her views and not pushing her away. Be the example you wish to set. Few folks can do that. It sounds terrifying. You’re game though. 🙂

You know what is in your heart, and if you listen to it and are wise enough, maybe she will give it some consideration.

But even if she doesn’t she will never be loved one ounce less.

Then there’s biblical wisdom of seeking a Christian wife. You don’t care. If she’s never going to follow Christ, then you don’t want to be Wise. If you’re wrong, you’re the only one who will be hurt. And If you’re right? Zero problem whatsoever rolling those dice. 🙂

More than anything you want to go to her. Out of fear and terror that you will miss this tiny little crack of a window that you might have. If she asks you to come, you will be there literally as soon as you possibly can. Maximum two weeks so you don’t get fired.

Because you’ve been so scarred when it comes to those damned windows.

But you know what?

She kinda knows, Atreyu….

There isn’t some magical argument you can come up with to convince her of anything when she has made a decision.

Respect it or ride off into the sunset. So others might have gotten their way by pestering. You aren’t them. Be someone she can’t wait to talk in the afternoons.

Regardless of what you want the Crow to be, first understand what she actually was put in your life to be – The Muse. Whether it’s her or she helps guide you, you know she’s a part of that journey.

You decided long ago that she would get approval rights for any relationship you started. If a girl met her approval…. you would be okay.

You know the irony deep down that as protective of you are of her… deep down she is very protective of you was well.

Maybe that’s why you have difficulty sleeping…. wondering why she just won’t give you a chance… with all the stars aligning…

And that’s the frustration born from thinking the linear way you did before you met her and she taught you a new dimension to it all.

You really are an idiot sometimes. 🙂 Trust her. If the answer is no now, it’s no for a good reason.

Is he really gone this time? You don’t know. You really don’t. You don’t even know what happened and you don’t want to, because if it is beyond devastating and she does let him back in…. no more. Just no more.

If her needs are overwhelming her you will “sacrifice” the last 17 years to keep her away from him. Yeah like that would be a sacrifice to make your wildest dreams come true with that magnificent woman…

Whatever. The fact that you’re scared means you aren’t trusting her. And there’s only one way to fix that.

Trust Her.

Because if you can’t, nothing else even matters to begin with.

So shut up, smile, and make her smile. Something tells you… she won’t forget that you like her. 🤔

Now be her trusted friend and Do Not Wait for her. Try to find someone else. Because that’s the hard thing to do – and just how life works these days…🙂

But what if she finds someone else and you miss out again?

What do you think? It’s gonna hurt. But that’s no reason to turn into a whiny, lovesick husk of a man. Act your age, and work to be someone’s lottery win.

Time Squared.

Badly wounded knee; internal injury. Bruises and cuts all over from various injuries due to athletic life and rough childhood. Health scares. Threat of blood clots and weak heart. No health insurance. Job in constant danger. Wrestling with alcoholism. Smokes like a chimney. Terrible depression from losing everything in divorce; kids all the way down to her 17 year old cat. Stalker constantly pestering her.

Is this really a good idea?

Fuck it. She’s a nice girl. The woman wants to cook for you ffs, and God has slammed every other door in your face. And… yeah… ya like her. 🙂 Stop thinking the next one has to be It. Try it. See where things go.

Feel really excited and…

Oh. You again. Figured. Fuck off.

Yeah yeah, see you tomorrow… 😒

https://youtu.be/8wLwxmjrZj8

You’re sick to your stomach too. Knotted up tight. Can’t eat or even vomit. Just bad enough to force you to stay home and be miserable, but cause no problems to keep you from bright-and-earlying tomorrow.. 😒

You haven’t had a thing to drink since last night. You know what’s happening. Another convergence. Work, social, and spiritual turmoil all in rapid succession. Within 48 hours to be honest.

You are so tired. Warned the Crown of your issue, but left to her if she still wanted to come over. Canceling would send the wrong message considering she stopped by on the way out and knows you’re hurting, and you really wouldn’t mind seeing her.

It’s not official but it pretty much is. And it kills you that you’re so down. Seriously…your last actual “relationship relationship” ended in 2011.

So much energy earlier today. Drive. Desire to fight on a second front to balance the universe out so another could fight her battles alongside you without you interfering.

That is the way the universe works after all. Actions taken by one do have strands of connectivity with actions taken by others. Some may call it karma. You recognize it clearly as a hidden web of possibility And impossibility, balanced by positive and negative energies of various sorts. You don’t see it but you know it’s there, represented in your mind in some small way as something you could conceive of just in order to get your fingernails on the concept.

The last chapter of the book of James declares that the prayers of a righteous man carry more weight than that of the unrighteous. So every time you failed to be righteous, your prayers carried less weight.

Rudimentary trial and error had the anecdotal evidence smack you in the face with truth. Coincidences of timing would soon prove to be statistically impossible.

Praying for someone became two front battles. Leonidas holding his ground at Thermopylae as Themistocles protected the seas at Artemisium. Both must hold strong or both lose. There is an inherent weakness there, but also an inherent strength, to be wiser and more righteous in knowing how to pray for those you care about.

Laying on the couch with tingling throat and stomach feeling as if filled with mud. Space ambient music vid on the TV surround sound with LED accompaniment. Wasting one of the 522 Wednesday Evenings of your 40’s.

A Bible’s next to you but you haven’t opened it. It sits next to a cat patiently waiting for the arbitrary moment of the secret food sound.

There are just some things in life you cannot understand, and tonight, you’re grappling with several.

Rather puts things in perspective… how could we understand the vastness of the universe and the decisions that God makes if we can’t even understand how our friends think.

Writing helps. The pain lessons slightly. It is all connected. Time, Space, Prayer, Possibility, Light and Darkness. Energies of many forms, almost all of which we can’t see with human eyes or technology.

You don’t know why she hurt you. But you know her well enough to know what was influencing her. You could see its fingerprints on the texts.

The very same woman that saved you from porn and ironically the last porn you saw was of her… under the same influence. A picture made to stab you in the heart, and successful.

The Crown is very late. No word. Not getting nervous yet. Used to being stood up. Victim of timing.

Getting tired now. Music is good. Got this one from Crow. Of course it’s good.

You took 5 July off from work to have a four day weekend two weeks from now. No plans. Just knew you needed some time off. Work is insufferable and will be until the Teacher comes back to work actual projects with.

You just don’t understand.

Finally heard from the Crown. Seems lateness is normalcy. Many friends all confiding in her, needing shoulders to cry on, and that fits her bill.

Honestly you’re really not much different… other than the fact that you seem to have chosen friends that are more mature and have less drama. Well, you hope… while understanding that that is going to get annoying very quickly. She wasn’t immune to standing you up either.

You just don’t understand.

And you don’t want to anymore. You’re so sick of it all. It fills your stomach like mud but you can’t purge and vomit it out. You can’t get away.

So tired.

My Beloved Crow…

Sail as safely as you can on your journey into stormy seas. You voyage into dark places filled with struggles and spiritual enemies that will certainly prey upon you.

But you must take this voyage. For yourself. Because of your rules, and the way of things.

For your reasons, this is what you must do to purge the plague that weighs heavily upon you.

Godspeed to you. Do what you must. It will be painful. You will be vulnerable.

But I trust in you. And will never leave you adrift. Journey where you must. Let my light never leave your sight, no matter how distant it may get.

Always know it will be there, for when you need to find your way home.

No matter what becomes of you and me… of either of us and anyone else… this is why I am in your life.

Love,

Orson

What can you do?

Be True. Stand there and take it. Be there for her when she needs you.

You love her. And she’s hurting.

You can always tell when she’s hurting because she torches you. The last time it happened, she stabbed you in the soul. Please not again. Just not again. You can’t lose her like that again.

You don’t know why she’s upset at you. You do know you’re at least collateral damage this time though.

Just don’t push her. The Crown chastised you for not doing more for her last night, but it was you that reassured her that your beloved Crow must fly on her own path in times like these, and when she is hell-bent in flying into a storm… she will.

And all you can do is be there for her when she needs you. You were prepared for something like this for when she finally broke free. You wish somehow it would’ve been different, but you knew it wouldn’t be easy.

Maybe there is some hope for you.

Good thing. Because you won’t stop dreaming of being with her anytime soon, no matter what.

Hold Fast.

You don’t know what role the Crown has to play, but if you are ever meant to fly with the Crow, you know neither of you are ready for now.

But the Crown….cares about your friends. She has suffered for hers as well, and is just as much a caring soul as you are. No matter where things go, be thankful she’s in your life as well. You’re going to need her.

Take comfort in Wisdom, and that those wheels are finally turning. And when she wakes up tomorrow it will be with something other than the cancer that has plagued her.

Long ago, when her divorce finally reached your ears, you drank and wrote. A preview of what was to come. What she was going to do to you. Why you needed to go through it. What you needed to learn.

You never shared that with her. It might make good reading tonight.

Your beloved Crow. Even you don’t realize how thankful you really are to have her in your life – no matter what.

* * *

Hold her in your arms, Lord. Every second I can’t hold her in mine.

Keep her safe.

Let her be happy.

She is Sacred to me.

And always will be.

She has the time. For a few more weeks. The money is available. You’re single.

Though now there is someone that’s now on record as wanting a next level with you… and you really need a resolution soon.

It’s honestly not fair to ask for anything from the Crow. And yet… you have to; logistics being what they are… 😔

Just a simple friendship visit would require you being single; Any woman you were with that saw her visit you would become tragically insecure within seconds, and truth be told, you didn’t want pressure for anything past a friendship visit anyway because you understand she’d need time.

The only thing standing in the way is her stubbornly keeping a relationship that she knows has no future, with someone she knows will never change.

There is literally no downside. And yet… she waits. 

What terrifies you is the idea of all the stars aligning except the one that won’t last, and the opportunity vanish.

Then for it to fall apart later and you still not get your chance.

Why? Because it never works for you – and you can already see it coming. The disappointment. The regret afterwards just like the regret she had for inviting him back in two weeks before you visited.

Oh well, missed your chance – yet again. Yet fucking again, as the universe shrugs with that eternal shit eating grin.

Even with the Crown here desiring you to hold her, the universe taunts you… 

Just like Match, eHarmony, that friend your friend was going to introduce you to before the trip got canceled, and literally every single time a door opened and got slammed in your face.

Everything is in place but the splinter that just won’t go away, even when it is slowly going away.

Sigh… No negative vibes. No pushing. But this is the chance. You can live with Yes or No. But this Question Mark is a noose around your neck.

Now is the time. The Timing is as close as it will ever be – for both of you… but it’s razor thin.

May she use any excuse she needs, and just have the courage to do what you did in January. Take the Leap.

Think outside the box. Be decisive. Take a chance. It’s not like he’d kick her out of her house. It’s not like she owes him anything, especially at this point. He’d be right there at the airport when she got back, begging for her to go back to paying his bills.

You need to be strong though. If she goes back to work without having come to see you, just accept it. And just hope and pray that if she ever is interested in visiting you haven’t found someone else.

Because that would be… devastating. And you’re really not sure what you would do.

Hope is a jackass.

There is no greater virtue than Truth.

All of the strength, knowledge and wisdom in the world are meaningless if Truth is absent.

Falsehoods substitute illusion for reality, and damage those who hear them because their actions become misaligned with reality.

They sing songs that comfort when one needs to act, and songs that foment discord when one needs to keep a level head and calm heart.

Lies ruin the harmony of the world around us. Like viruses they can only exist by multiplying, as more and more lies must be told to keep the truth hidden.

If one lies to a friend… the illusion is more important to them than the friendship.

If one lies to a loved one… the illusion is more important to them than their love.

But by far the most destructive kind of falsehood is the kind it takes a willing party to believe. If someone else lies, that lie can be found out. The record corrected. Truth restored. The wound healed.

The worst falsehood…is to lie to oneself. The illusion is so destructive because the wounded prefer an illusion to healing. Reality itself shatters around them as lie after lie compounds and they soon are swallowed up by them. The longer it goes on… the more painful the realization is… and the harder it is to dig out of the pain.

And regret is as tenacious as truth – and it will have its due, whether in the conscious mind or a far deadlier battlefield…

Spent the night and most of the weekend with a really nice girl. Smart, funny, attractive. Now it’s Monday, and plagued by a tinge of sadness. Not just because it’s Monday. You don’t know why. And you really don’t want to ask.

Just go to work.